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Saturday, September 20th, 2014 07:14 am
Let's see: hives are gone. Around 11 am the itching was beginning up again, so i called off work, took a claritin, and called the doctor. Actually Christine called the doctor. I was feeling a bit befuddled about what to do.

Saw the same internist who went after my cough and cold with a sledge hammer, she did the same with the hives. (No steroids, too soon after the last.) Next time i'll know what to do -- which seems to be essentially what i did but with More Antihistamines. She proscribed benedryl and a subscription antihistamine that the pharmacist said was close to zyrtec: zyxal. I can't take that sequence of letters very seriously. Z Y X? Should be zyxab. And the inverted molecule should be baxyz.

I probably didn't NEED to call off work, but work was pretty intense this week and i had a dental visit planned for the afternoon as well. After the dentist i bumped into an opportunity to do a good deed, something i wouldn't normally have felt ease in addressing. I was happy not to have an excuse, sad that the good deed was available, and was rewarded with a hug. Normally i would have had to return to the work trance, and i would have forgotten the opportunity or missed my chance.

I'm volunteering at the registration desk for the Native plant society horticultural workshop: this is networking. Off i go.
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Friday, September 19th, 2014 07:03 am
complaints )

When was iOS 8 announced? I just heard about folks having trouble downloading it. Just curious: how big is this rock i'm under?
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Monday, September 1st, 2014 06:27 am
Christine had a bit of elephant herding to do yesterday, and i realized that she was carrying her stuff plus the sense that she also had to make sure i got my meals. I do get distracted, and often she will fix my lunch to make sure i eat. This is something i can address, unlike most (if not all) the elephants. It is so lovely to have her taking care of me, but, i reminded her, i CAN take care of me: she isn't required to. I know some of the ways she fixes meals for me falls under rituals of love, like my making sure she has a warm cup of tea in just the right mug to wake up to. As soon as it becomes a chore and not a gift, though, i told her, stop!

Meanwhile, on planet Stupid Cough: "Let that be a lesson to you [me], Mucinex! Your reign of terror [coughing] is over!" the regent cries, as Mucinex is tossed into the dungeon [under the sink].

I can feel the difference this morning. Admittedly, my sinuses were happier while i was taking the Mucinex, but the sense of lung irritation is far reduced while my sinuses feel familiar. If i hadn't found the Mucinex in a tablet form, i wouldn't have taken it. I hate cough syrups.

I won't try to get two weeks worth of work and chores done today. I promise. I hope to make way for an easy transition back, though.
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Sunday, August 31st, 2014 11:23 am
So when do i consider myself well? I am still having a productive cough, although it's more often phlegmatic clearing of the throat. Is this well? Do i stop mollycoddling myself yet?

[Insert exasperation.]

Moving on to a query instead of dwelling on that, i type, "jot -r 1 1 27" at the command line, and have 6 as a result. On to my list of queries for journaling and....

Dear random number generator,

Your choice of query for me, "What has caused frustration in the past day (week) and how may i go forward?" is disturbingly close to my own query for me. My superstitions are reinforced by your selection.

Cheers,

me


Well, YES, how may i go forward? Or, you know, When?

You don't need to read this about chronic rhinitis and my thinking by wrtiting. )

There. Hope. A plan forward.
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Saturday, August 30th, 2014 06:53 am
Image from page 365 of "Hill's album of biography and art : containing portraits and pen-sketches of many persons who have been and are prominent as religionists, military heroes, inventors, financiers, scientists, explorers, writers, physicians, actors,Waking with a sore throat. CURSES.

Delighted to hear of this Internet Archive project, one which excerpts images from digitized books & posts them to Flickr with surrounding text. I've used the scanned books at Google for clip art for a while now: it's nice to have some assistance in finding the images.

The Mission Blue project wants to set aside 20% of the oceans as preserves. E.O. Wilson apparently thinks that's thinking small. He is proposing 50%, Half Earth, be set aside. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/can-world-really-set-aside-half-planet-wildlife-180952379/?no-ist

I love the idea of working wild landscapes, of corridors of parks from that article.

And i would love to roam through longleaf pine woodlands. I've driven through them and admired them from the car window.
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Friday, August 29th, 2014 06:31 am
Whine )

I *am* getting better. I just resent this week.

One silver lining: being sick has allowed my ankles to continue to rest from the sprains earlier this summer.

--==∞==--

Last night we watched Netflix documentary Mission Blue: both wonderful and heartbreaking. http://mission-blue.org/ Sylvia Earle's life is amazing to ponder: a marine botanist and one of the first to use scuba gear, one of the first aquanauts, pioneer for women scientists, and witness to what may be the beginning of one of the great extinctions.

50% of coral reefs gone?

My recent reading has led me to spend time thinking about how the oceans probably have incredible evolutionary information. While plants may be the extremely long lived creatures of the land, underneath the waves animals live for a very long time:


There’s a 2,742-year-old Gerardia coral, and nearby, the 4,265-year-old Leiopathes, a
black coral related to sea anemones, both discovered in exceedingly deep waters off
the Hawaiian archipelago using a submersible vehicle—approximately 1,200 feet
down. Older still, in Arctic waters off the Norwegian shelf lives the 6,000-year-old
Lophelia pertusa coral, around 330 feet down.

The oldest animal on the planet could be the 15,000-year-old Anoxycalyx joubini
volcano sponge off the McMurdo shelf in Antarctica. I’m not sure of their exact depth,
but no one has visited the oldest among them face-to-face, in fact, as they were
found using a SCINI ROV—that’s “Submersible Capable of under Ice Navigation
and Imaging Remotely Operated Vehicle.”

Sussman, Rachel; Zimmer, Carl; Obrist, Hans Ulrich (2014-06-03). The Oldest Living Things in the World (Page 265). University of Chicago Press. Kindle Edition.


I tell myself that shallow coral reefs are unlikely to harbor ancient individuals, what with sea level changes and so on, but the species could have been ancient: ecological niches effectively and efficiently filled since the niche was discovered now empty?

And the fish stocks plummeting?

What heartbreak. What blindness. Sylvia Earle's eyes are wide open, and this documentary helps us all see.
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Thursday, August 28th, 2014 06:46 am
Media Wednesday slipped by, but i wanted to note that...

... i am playing iOS game "Swords and Sworcery" as i rest. I enjoyed it at the beginning, but the coordination to fight off the trigon's lightning bolt attack is annoying me. The training mode is civilized. So far I'm not feeling stressed but as soon as that happens, i'll start ignoring the game again. I think i got the game in some "free this week" offer in the IOS store. I'm not much of a game player, but we'll see if this pulls me in.

... i read Schild's Ladder by Greg Egan on Overdrive on Saturday. I did not take the time to pay attention to the science fiction unification of gravity and quantum mechanics with my critical mind, but let the the device move forward. I found the layers of world (and universe) building and narrative nicely interwoven. Having been thinking about biochemistry since starting the Great Courses Biology: The Science of Life by Stephen Nowicki, i appreciated the effort to evolve a novel form of life. I just have an itchy feeling the writer got to a point and some one said "Wrap it up" and a chunk of discovery, explication, and resolution was skipped to, well, wrap it up.

On the other hand, sick reader.

... i'm reading http://openstaxcollege.org/books Biology text. It's a little rough (terms used before introduction), but it's providing me a foil for the MOOC and the Great Courses. I'm also poking around in E O Wilson's high-school level free iBook text. All these feed into the ANKI flash cards. (Note - there's a whole EO Wilson-developed high school Biology course in iTunes University.)

... i finished Coursera's Learning How to Learn. It reinforced some things i had picked up over the past decade: oh, if i had learned these things BEFORE grad school! The newest point was that exercise is also useful for learning.

... i started Coursera's Preparation for Introductory Biology: DNA to Organisms. I decided i am not interested in participating in the peer engagement part. Since my goal is understanding plants at the ecological level, i try to keep my focus on the keys details for that. One of the TA's helped me find a text that explained relative densities of ions in solution in plant cells to contrast with the human bias presented in the lecture.

I suppose many people taking biology are en route to the medical profession. Hrmph.

--==∞==--

In exciting genealogy news, i've been contacted by relatives on my Swedish great-grandfather's side from Sweden. His history, prior to getting married, is not well documented and there is little in our family records. My earliest documentation had been a census record after the first children were born: no idea when he was married, immigrated, etc.

I spent some time on google earth translating his mother's and father's moving about from the email narrative to a map. It was a little while before i realized that the movement from HOUSE TO HOUSE was being passed on, all within no more than 5 miles square. From that history, to crossing the Atlantic, moving around the eastern seaboard, to Wyoming, to Florida -- what a change!

--==∞==--

Things on my mind:

* Coughing when i sit up and talk for a while. Saw the doctor yesterday and was told keep resting.

* Family dynamics are in a holding pattern. I'm still looking for resources and have no idea how fast this needs to move -- but right now we're letting my Dad call the shots.

* Haven't heard from HR about the resources for my staff member.

* Christine's therapist was even less impressed with the psychiatrist's behavior because the three word "diagnosis" was first just sent to the therapist and then sent to Christine with therapist cc'd. Therapist has disabused Christine of the notion that it is a reasonable "diagnosis." The previous night's (American) murder mystery tossed the same diagnosis around for the suspect.
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2014 01:55 pm
SATURDAY


Prednisone seems to be leading the side-effect race, particularly with wakefulness. Awake late, awake early. I dozed through the mid morning, and i am somewhat out of it now. I decided to eschew caffeine, which may be part of this splitting headache.

We watched Gravity Friday night, which had me pondering whether the debris cloud issue was real (very plausible, it seemed) and whether we could effectively lock ourselves in our planet with our debris. Today i find the description of the Kessler syndrome. The original article presenting the issue describes a belt, so i presume we are far more likely to just make particularly useful and inexpensive orbits unsafe than totally deny ourselves access to space (barring that intention). It also seems that the cascade of collisions would not occur over the timescale of the movie.

The lake, it turns out, is Lake Powell, rendered unrecognizable with greenery from computer graphics.

SUNDAY


Last night's ride woke us up, and i could hear buildings shaking. I tweeted promptly, remembering the first medium sized quake i experienced in the bay area. This time, even with the very massive Edward, there was no way to mistake that shaking for a cat jumping on the bed. My goal was to get back to sleep as soon as possible, so after filling out "Did you feel it," i did my sleep ritual and managed to even sleep in.

I am looking for any notes of the 2007 5.4 Earthquake. I remember it vividly. I seem to have no notes in LJ, none in my elainegrey twitter account, and i can't go back that far in my elaine grey twitter account. Ah! The date is in UTC: here's my LJ entry.

--==∞==--

I've received several emails from my distressed staff member. He's concerned about how he can't remember what he said, and is clearly obsessing over the event. He's been dealing with something he has identified as a health problem for several months. I am impressed at how it seems no doctor has said, "do you think you might be depressed?" to his presenting symptoms of low energy and lack of motivation. On the other hand, i think he would dismiss that all together: he seems to be very dismissive of emotions. With his concern over his mental gaps of the conversations on Thursday he's now reporting he's going to see a psychiatrist.

--==∞==--

I continue to rest. But i'm having tea this morning since i got plenty of sleep overnight.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2014 07:43 am
My yam was downed pretty quickly and proficiently yesterday morning. It's made me think: i've had many fewer early meetings (is my new boss glowering at folks for me?) and so i'm wondering if i can now begin to set aside morning time as Work-Yam time when i am working from home.

In other work news, my new boss has offered to "make it happen" for me, where "it" is a rather nebulous new job that is not management but more product direction oriented. I am very curious as to what he has in mind for "it" but it sounds very good.

--==∞==--

We did some shopping yesterday morning, culminating in a stop at a glorious Italian bakery where we splurged on a half dozen cannoli. They sell Amarena Fabbri Wild Italian Cherries: i wonder if that's the cherries that at the end of the cannoli. Christine hasn't eaten her share yet. I think i can hold out on eating my last one for perhaps 90 minutes more.

--==∞==--

After we got home both of us had some variation of being down, low energy, something. It was odd. I read the following and pondered about whether i should mention last week's fever to the doctor:

Five residents of Santa Clara County have been infected with the West Nile virus … Those with the virus in the county live in areas where the highest concentration of mosquitoes carrying West Nile were found this year, including Mountain View….

Symptoms: http://www.cdc.gov/westnile/symptoms/


I collected our share of the farm box in the early evening and loved the look of one of the huge beefsteak tomatoes. I had a vision of a dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches with the tomatoes and, yes!, it was decadent and delicious.

I really need to make the salad niçoise and ginger roasted apples and beets i planned last week. The beets and apples are sad relics at the bottom of the fridge. So, that's on today's to-do list

--==∞==--

I created a Twitter list to consolidate the streams of many of the journalists (plus Alderman @AntonioFrench and @Felonious_munk) in Ferguson, Mo, and started reading it yesterday. I checked in for a half hour before curfew last night, watching the live stream from VICE news, but *cough* my bedtime meant missing the post curfew events. I generally believe getting caught up in the news cycle is a bad idea. There's a term from postmodern discourse that describes the way we humans can get caught up and own a story that isn't ours. Various school shootings, various tragedies get picked up by national media, and it seems to me people consume them emotionally without critically examining the news. They are, truly, stories, and not news. How aware are we of our own local shootings and tragedies?

So, i do try hard to keep news as news and not as story: to look for news that informs and doesn't inflame.

Why am i reading the twitter feeds? Because the injustice in this country isn't localized to St Louis, and because the feeds are giving me the insight into the pain of those who live subject to the injustice. I think of the transit police's shooting of unarmed Oscar Grant: why didn't i get up and do something. (Probably depths of depression at that time? Or in the long downward slide?) No one in Meeting talked about it.

I may talk about it today.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cases_of_police_brutality_in_the_United_States#California seems helpful, although there's the recent issue of the older woman... Marlene Pinnock.

--==∞==--

OK, that cannoli awaits.
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Sunday, August 10th, 2014 07:31 am
This morning's dream ended with a rocky beach shore landscape, with the tide far out, and instead of fascinating tide pools, there was junk junk and more junk. Earlier in the dream the landscape was very cold, a village of some sort, with horses in a corner lot and a handful of us standing at that corner, when a white colt jumped cleanly over the fence and went running about in the joy of being young and coordinated. A great deal more in the dreams: a code written in playing cards? But little beyond impressions left. Foreign coinage. Something about the arctic. Hotels. Public transportation on carts or backs of trucks.

--==∞==--

I was reminded yesterday of my intent to journal in response to queries (mucking through my inbox), so this morning i have "rolled" for "Do I let people in power (politicians, large companies, influential organizations) know of my concerns? Do I follow that up with action such as voting, shopping or donating differently?" This comes from a list a queries a friend wrote up for allies.

Christine has lead us in one direction: due to the seal hunts we boycott Canadian fish. I don't write letters as much as i would like, though. I'm happy to say that yesterday i spent some time reading an environmental impact statement and wrote the City of Cupertino of my concerns about how they were progressing with project approval. I think the alert email i received was a little too ... overwrought, but it is a sensitive and critical habitat.

So, other than a few choice points of evidence, the answer is no. I sit in the morning gloom and wonder what i will, could, do about that. What do i want to do about that? I can imagine what i can do, with joy and skill, about the project in sensitive habitat: i'm putting time and energy into developing those skills. Advocacy in the face of injustice: first i need to open myself to being exposed to the injustices, and i fear being overwhelmed.

--==∞==--

Meanwhile, i'm pretty sure the fever has passed and i'm mostly back to myself. Some evidence in hindsight comes to mind, and i wonder if i caught the bug at the aquarium where all those vectors were screaming and running around. When i was feeling my worst, Christine subscribed to the Consumer Reports website and did research on what was the best thermometer, and then went out and bought it.

I've subsequently found myself with up to three degree variations in temperature measurements over five measurements. Sometimes throwing out the outlier can help, but sometimes not. I don't know what i'm supposed to think, but a baseline seems required. The thermometer instructions note that one has a lower temperature in the morning than the evening and that there can be a difference of .2 degrees due to slight differences in measuring: neither explains a three degree difference.

The last time i had a mercury thermometer, i was in college. I dropped it on the terrazzo floor of my eighty some year old dorm room, and the environmental team showed up in hazmat suits to clean it up.

I wonder if you can buy them on ebay? Ooooh! You can.

Hmmm.
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Friday, August 8th, 2014 04:15 pm
Fever yesterday, today.

Bah, humbug.
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Friday, July 18th, 2014 06:53 am
I am considering not seeing my current psychiatrist again, as well as contacting the health care company.


Dear [health insurance]:

It has come to my attention that you are auditing the records of the psychiatrist who is managing my medications, Dr M. I am aware because he called me one evening this week to ask me my weight, height, blood pressure, and waist size, data he has never enquired about in the past. Discovering that i do not know my blood pressure or waist size, he decided to make something up and that was the end of the call.

This reinforces my belief that he is not a particularly capable professional.

Why do I continue to see him? Because your organization has very few options for me. When i was looking for care in late 2012, the first professional I saw was not particularly a good fit. I had used your filter to find someone with experience in cognitive therapy, and it took several calls to people who were no longer taking patients or no longer with [health insurance] before finding someone who would see me. That professional did not use cognitive therapy. As my depression continued, that professional did recommend attending to my medication, and so I turned again to [health insurance] to find a prescriber.

This time, i called over five providers from your list to find them not taking [health insurance] or not taking patients. I then contacted you for help, and your organization found this provider for me.

While i am happy to discover you are auditing your providers to determine if they are competent and keeping the records they should, I hope you will work with skilled providers to bring them on to your program. At this time, my spouse is seeing a provider outside of the network and we are paying out of pocket. It is more important to us that my spouse see someone well recommended by other professionals than it is to find someone in plan. In discussion with my HR colleague, i discover i am not the only staff member in our office to have complaints about the providers offered by [health insurance].

Sincerely,

me
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Thursday, July 3rd, 2014 06:46 am
On Tuesday i posted to the Common Nature group some photos from Sunday, and here's one of the three.

Helminthotheca echioides

One lesson i've learned is flowers can droop quite quickly, between one focus and the next. That means the focus stacking -- using multiple images to get different parts in focus and then creating a composite with only the focussed parts -- can't use many images or there's blur from the movement.

I'm still working on jigsaw-like edits where i pull best pieces together and edit out the motion before applying the focus stacking.

Here's a different member of the asteraceae family, taken a month before:

Chondrilla juncea

I can see a significant improvement in my technique. I'm happy about the improvement in lighting and focus.

--==∞==--

In other news, wow, blue foot. But the swelling is down, and i'm going to give going into the office a go today. Traffic should be sane and i can get a baseline for next week. The office may be EMPTY, of course, but there are things i can do there, like look for some lost paperwork.
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Saturday, June 21st, 2014 05:49 pm
Yay, the cut tag worked!

Last post was from urgent care where i was waiting to be seen. X-rays happened, nothing broken or torn, but -- wow -- this hurts more than any sprain i've had before. Also, the left is sprained and swollen as well, but doesn't hurt nearly as much.

Christine has bought me a cane.

The number of spoons it takes to do anything that requires movement is surprisingly high: i feel like a big baby.

Anyhow, i am now fed and rested and washed, and i hope the photos from the walk turn out well. The camera seems to have survived, yet again.

I wasn't wearing ankle braces when walking. The podiatrist i saw a year or so pronounced my ankles strong but loosey-goosey.
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Sunday, June 8th, 2014 08:06 am
Healthwise, the ear ache seems to be almost gone, huzzah. I have some other complaints this morning, though, but none is a discomfort that affects my mood or thinking. So yay! (But i ponder not going to Meeting this morning.)

I spent much of yesterday failing to identify an asteraceae that i have documented in excruciating detail - except for how the leaves grow away from the blossoms on most of the plant. There are some features that are extremely obvious: glands on stem, leaves and the green cup at the base of the flower (the involucure). The strong aromatic scent. The parts that make up that green cup (phyllaries) have a golden, translucent papery edge to them (scarious). I feel i have really good images to answer almost all diagnostic questions, just missing the way the leaves behave all over the plant and any root questions. Fie! I'm hoping it's a landscaping plant that has just gotten out of control in this one spot.

I have demonstrated to myself that the way i had been taking macro images may have had a deep field of focus, but the image was "soft." I've found out how to adjust the f stop on the camera when i'm using tubes (jam piece of paper into the little mechanical lever), and now, with a more shallow depth of field, i need to use focus stacking to get the depth i want.

Unidentified Asteraceae

No focus stacking here as the image is in the plane of focus.


I had meeting responsibilities as well as a concert in the evening. I was home late for me and stayed up even later to watch Fargo the TV series with Christine.

--==∞==--

I've happily sold the liner of Christine's motorcycle jacket on eBay for more than just shipping; my goal next is to try some old tech tools. If they don't go on eBay, i'm certain they'll go locally on Freecycle.

--==∞==--

I'm trying not to get myself in a rant over how the painters carelessly moved my plants around on the deck. I'm not sure if we had warning. If we did, perhaps Christine tried to protect me (as i was exhausted and unwell earlier in the week). She said she had let them know she could move things and they told her they could handle it -- and they stacked plants on top of plants on top of plants.
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Wednesday, April 16th, 2014 06:45 am
Some weeks ago there was an upgrade on my phone that nuked half my applications. The phone had behaved oddly since, not connecting to the 'net, culminating in a refusal to download email. I reset my phone to factory settings on Monday, and have (1) carefully purged a great deal of Samsung and Sprint software and (2) refused some of the "security" features. I do trust Amazon's store, and i don't download many apps anymore. The ones i download, i would like to keep, k thx bye.

I find myself wishing the phone had more magical, ooh, ahh effects. When it comes down to actually configuring it to be that way, i balk. Clutter. Distraction.

My phone is currently practical: weather, email, note pad, calendar.

However "S-Voice" is quite cool (the Samsung voice control interface), and i am depending on the voice control more and more. I love asking it questions as i drive, and yesterday was able to ask the phone to pull up Safety Dance (there, you have the earworm) on Youtube without looking at the device.

--==∞==--

Weariness continues. I'm not entirely sure what is going on but i am not feeling any bounce. The craving for sweets and coffee and boost keeps happening, and so yesterday i had an evening binge on donuts. Sugar to have enough energy to ... well, not much.

I'm sure there's some level of flare going on. The burning sensation on my face has migrated from the left to the right side, but it's very mild. It's not contributing to a headache, although i do seem to have a sinus headache. I wonder about arthritis as one knee -- the one i bashed in late December -- aches and one knuckle aches. I think i bashed that while dealing with the couch in late March. Arthritis or just clumsy?

I could not manage to stay up for the eclipse, and enjoyed it through Christine's sharing.

--==∞==--

The weariness -- it doesn't exactly feel like depression -- will pass. But ugh.
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Saturday, February 1st, 2014 11:20 am
Yesterday was a long work day, a visit to the optometrist, a King Tide neglected (the thought of carrying tripod reminded me of my back's ache), and a forgotten California Native Plants event (which was about photos folks had taken over the year -- oh how i felt it was important to attend, but i was wiped by the end of the day and forgot!)

Optometrist's conclusion: any change in my prescription is within the uncertainty of measurement from my current prescription. Huzzah, i'll keep these and save the bucks, although i wonder about whether what i really need is a full pair at my reduced strength for reading.

This morning i have hunkered in bed, reading the Internet. Medium had some nice articles and my reading list had a number that sent me on some research threads. One, in particular, about the zones of focus have made me ponder making a little booklet or slide rule to carry with me, in order to simulate the guides that used to be on camera lenses.

I should reflect on the threshing session Meeting had three weeks ago to report to Worship and Ministry tomorrow, and to prepare for Meeting for Business next week,

Loose ends are at work: i may follow through. The week was frustrating with a delayed install, performance issues pointing at my team's systems although finally attention zoomed in on the component on which my team's systems depend. Then, Friday, at 3:40 or so, a terrible bug was found. There's a possibility that our tester made testing errors, but i am horrified that we hadn't been testing this particular aspect -- given it was the first failure in the August install debacle (and, ah! yes! that is when Christine was last back in North Carolina).

I wanted to take Monday off, and i will stay at home.

My asthma is pretty irritated thus there's an edge of exhaustion to everything.
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Monday, October 28th, 2013 06:02 am
My GI system doesn't seem to like me at all. Fiddlysticks. Saturday was so uncomfortable that Sunday i felt very out of it. The whole weekend seems a haze of grumbles.

I did, however, mostly tidy the deck, moving plants around, deadheading and whatnot, so the seasonal color of mums and verbena are more prevalent and the lingering veggies have a better chance of sun. Green beans dangle, and one tiny green globe has set on the tomato. Go figure. I swept, even under pots, and i feel ready for long rains and grey days.

That's about all i feel ready for.

Ah, and here are my blood test results. A surge in my cholesterol over last year.

I really must exercise: i'm sure that's part of everything. Now that i have shoes that i can walk in without causing pain, i must get back to the exercise that worked for me. That was walking around the pool and reading after dark.
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Sunday, October 27th, 2013 07:07 am
Sorry to leave everyone with my Friday morning angst: after having blood drawn and my flu shot i was allowed tea and a breakfast, and my mood returned to equilibrium. My conclusion is that given what was on New Manager's mind -- it was a meeting to build his relationship with the team -- relationship building was probably what he was thinking about. I need to let him know that the technical parts of my work are important to me and double-check whether he felt he was presenting my job description or if it was just talking. It may not be all about me but possibly all about him: i have a long relationship with these folks and he may be concerned about how quickly he can build a rapport. There was also something he and i had been talking about over the week, our poor but improving working relationship we have with the DBAs, that may have been on his mind.

The strength of my reaction does say much about microaggressions and about how much hope in which i had wrapped the New Manager. I have felt so dismissed technically by New Director and the VP that receiving this small signal sent me off into to end-of-the-world thinking.

I don't think i've networked enough to find a new job that i would like, the first version of the app isn't done, i'm not ready to say "take this job and shove it." All the sense of being trapped that had me in such despair a year ago had overwhelmed me in the reflection time i had yesterday morning.

--==∞==--

I had scheduled Friday as vacation, but there's a huge pile of Stuff Not Done. The pleasure of not having to worry about morning meetings and to ignore the morning panics, though, led to Friday morning still being quite relaxing.

I worked with email off as much as i could. I still have plenty of progress to make. (And worked on some of the tedious tasks during Saturday's World Series game.)

I had a visit with the psychiatrist at 5 where we established that, in general, all is going quite well. I had been thinking that with new manager - despite my morning's angst - i may not need the antidepressants as much as i have. I can't be sure of that (see Friday morning's angst), but when i think back to all the distress about my job, the worst parts all had to do with New Director's incompetence. What remains to be seen is if the competent New Manager can function with the dysfunction. (Or if he gets fired in January because the install went poorly.)

The nice statement i can make about the psychiatrist is that he happily agreed that we could consider a dosage reduction. My observation that i wouldn't consider a reduction in the winter was met with an, "Ah you are a product of [my ivy league graduate school]!" that continues to rub me the wrong way. Apparently, dosage reductions are best managed in the spring.

After that i joined the native plant group until a production install issue called me home.

Saturday, i went out to join the friends i usually see on Sunday morning. Christine was blue before i left. She was working when i returned: i went on the deck to build my hanging planter. I had bought tubing and a funnel to water from the center of the hanging bird feeder cage. I might have been a little rough with the native California fuchsia: i hope it survives. I also put the bunchleaf penstemon in the hanging planter, along with a bunch of random geranium stalks. I planted the rest of the native plants, attempting to separate what i thought was a clump of sea thrift and splitting its main stem. I will hope that plant is hearty.

I also finished digging out potatoes -- there were hardly any more -- and i'll replant with some potatoes picked up today at the grocery. I also put rainbow chard in the top of the potato basket.

At the end of all this work i was quivery and felt like i had really strained my body physically. I'm not sure why -- it may have been stooping a great deal. I also had missed lunch, so i ate some things i thought would address low blood sugar and would balance out. Instead i managed to give myself horrible cramps. The rest of the day was shot as i dealt with the discomfort.

After watching a couple PBS episodes about super heroes, Christine joined me and we started listening to the World Series game. We were rather proud of ourselves: the mlb website no longer offers the game visualization. It's only on the iPad app. We found a program that would allow the iPad to send its content to our monitor that we use as a TV, and we "watched" the game with the projected visualization and the local sports radio broadcast. That was quite satisfactory up to the final play of the game: fortunately there are lots of highlights of that very last play.

This morning i am feeling all sorts of new muscle groups in my legs, so however i was squatting and stooping in the garden was probably a Bad Idea.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, September 16th, 2013 08:08 am
I've just declared comment bankruptcy and filed all your supportive comments in my received mail, out of my inbox.

Triage.

It was a good weekend, if a bit intense.

It began with getting the archive of my craft blog -- June 2003 to Nov 2010! -- returned to the internet. My other blog also needs to return, which apparently needs to be done carefully as the "just upload it all" method results in many file names but 0 bytes at Amazon.

Christine and i discussed my social presence and i think, for the time being, i will "blog" in evernote and use twitter etc to link to the note. I do these notes as it is, but i use inter-note links, that don't work unless one is in the notebook frame. I might be more intentional about getting that link as time goes on, as well.

I wrapped it up with a bit of weekend botanist and photographer social networking on Google plus, linked in, and twitter, as well as posting a set of photos of the herbarium visit on Sunday morning.

After the furious week at work, an intense weekend thinking about my alter-life is a balm.

--==∞==--

I think i'm having hot flashes. The thought of the herbarium visit brings up the memory of the sudden sense of melting. This seems to have started in the past month.

--==∞==--

Sweet gum aka liquid ambar are beginning to turn. The 101 Rengstroff interchange (i think) has a very red stand; the one at the end of our sidewalk is quite green. Plane trees have that tinge of gold to the green. Ducks fly over at night. It's dark when i wake up.

The equinox here will be Sunday afternoon. I ponder observing.