elainegrey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
elainegrey) wrote2011-04-21 07:06 am
elainegrey) wrote2011-04-21 07:06 am
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I'm sorry i'm not replying to the comments that are bolstering me these days. Yesterday, my sister and i shared our grief and then i slammed into the workday. As i mentioned, i was restless with low energy in the afternoon: honestly a fairly common state for me, except my energy was far too low to withstand the desires for nibbles and such. (I should take carrots today to work along with the usual bundle of snacks.)
One of the things i'm struggling with as "caretaker" is that i don't feel i'm taking care of Christine so much as having to take care of me. While we'd evolved the patterns of who does what over the years based on our different energy levels during the day and our different patterns of work, what i feel now is the awareness of how much time Christine gives me for myself. How could i possibly let myself whine? Every whine comes out as "i'm not having this done for me," it seems. One thing that is easier is that since i know i'm responsible for cleaning and clutter, there's less leaving things for someone else to get at some other time because i'm too busy. We both picked up after each other: now i do the picking up (after myself, mostly). I suppose the one way i do provide care is making sure she's stocked and supplies are out where she can see them. I don't want her running out of things while i'm away.
And now, the kitty litter, which i shoulda done yesterday. At least one box.
One of the things i'm struggling with as "caretaker" is that i don't feel i'm taking care of Christine so much as having to take care of me. While we'd evolved the patterns of who does what over the years based on our different energy levels during the day and our different patterns of work, what i feel now is the awareness of how much time Christine gives me for myself. How could i possibly let myself whine? Every whine comes out as "i'm not having this done for me," it seems. One thing that is easier is that since i know i'm responsible for cleaning and clutter, there's less leaving things for someone else to get at some other time because i'm too busy. We both picked up after each other: now i do the picking up (after myself, mostly). I suppose the one way i do provide care is making sure she's stocked and supplies are out where she can see them. I don't want her running out of things while i'm away.
And now, the kitty litter, which i shoulda done yesterday. At least one box.