(Long comment, I think about this a lot. Hope that's okay.)
I agree that it's healthy to give ourselves the opportunity to stretch, but we still get to feel inside for what our boundaries are. I've gotten away from trying to decide if behaviors are abusive, and instead I look at how they work for me.
When someone starts telling me what to think or feel, or twists what I say, or argues with me when I speak my truth, I get away from them immediately, because otherwise I get lost in a swamp of confusion. I am just beginning to be able to push back a little ("Did you just argue with my decision about my next step?!" "Oh, no, I just meant...") but if someone continues past a pushback, I look for the exit. That's what works for me.
I even had to use this with a therapist who kept saying, "How do you benefit from your pain?" in the first session. I told her I can't go there, please use a different tool, no REALLY I can't GO there, it twists me up inside. Apparently she didn't have any other tools (or had bad intentions). I never went back. And of course spent a bunch of time wondering if I'm wallowing in my pain somehow, *sigh*.
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I agree that it's healthy to give ourselves the opportunity to stretch, but we still get to feel inside for what our boundaries are. I've gotten away from trying to decide if behaviors are abusive, and instead I look at how they work for me.
When someone starts telling me what to think or feel, or twists what I say, or argues with me when I speak my truth, I get away from them immediately, because otherwise I get lost in a swamp of confusion. I am just beginning to be able to push back a little ("Did you just argue with my decision about my next step?!" "Oh, no, I just meant...") but if someone continues past a pushback, I look for the exit. That's what works for me.
I even had to use this with a therapist who kept saying, "How do you benefit from your pain?" in the first session. I told her I can't go there, please use a different tool, no REALLY I can't GO there, it twists me up inside. Apparently she didn't have any other tools (or had bad intentions). I never went back. And of course spent a bunch of time wondering if I'm wallowing in my pain somehow, *sigh*.