elainegrey

(morning writing)

2026-04-13T11:46:15Z

Worried my comment about yay for low humidity seems heartless. We are in a severe drought and other parts of the state are in extreme drought. The low humidity just makes the fire danger worse and dries out the environment even more. So, yeah, the low humidity and heat are working together in a problematic way. I cut back two young redbuds yesterday i suspect of loosing significant woody growth due to the drought.

https://www.wpc.ncep.noaa.gov/exper/ndfd/ndfd.html -- see where temperatures are likely to break records
https://www.ncdc.noaa.gov/cdo-web/datatools/records -- how many records have been broken (the high min points to not cooling off over night)
https://yaleclimateconnections.org/topic/eye-on-the-storm/ -- coverage of extremes with recent headlines "The world just had its second-warmest March on record" and "The year so far: hottest and driest in U.S. history"

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(morning writing)

2026-04-13T11:33:27Z

I spent much time on Saturday trying to figure out why over ten hours on Friday there was a cancelled order for a $2000 Amazon gift card, three gifts of a Max account on a service i use to myself (charges pending at the bank), and my instagram account alertement me to suspicious activity and was forcing me to change my password. The all used different emails and authentication patterns and it's a struggle figuring out what happened.

It became clear that there is no way that you can get anything out of Amazon or the other company's security people. Amazon kept resetting my password when i attempted to get IP address, payment method, and what purchase system (website? app (which i don't use)? alexa(which i don't use)? I found a stack of others on reddit who had similar exploits around gift accounts

In the end i at least excluded some vectors of attack, added MFA to many more accounts and Christine will take on disputing the bank charges this morning. This morning i woke to find Facebook had changed my password because of suspicious activity.

--== ∞ ==--

I did call my dad and talk to him; it had been a week since i waved off his last minute Easter restaurant lunch. Between feeling sick and the combination of depressing venue and no reservation i couldn't bear the to join them.

--== ∞ ==--

Mowing mowing mowing all Sunday. Thank heavens for the low humidity with this ridiculous warmth. And thank heavens for the leaves now on the trees because i was generally able to be in the shade for my efforts in the afternoon.

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(morning writing, work, fascism, rant, 5.home)

2026-04-11T12:36:48Z

Moving personal notes above the ranting:

Accidentally got all my hair dyed pink (magenta) on Wednesday when i imprecisely asked for the usual pink highlights. Anyhow, it will be fun. And it is a good color for me, so i'm pretty confident i can carry this off. My worry is maintenance, but I can always buy some temporary dye for my roots if it grows out badly.

Replaced our range this week after the one stove eye we mainly used on the previous range died at what the internet tells me is about the lifetime. Hoping that this one, which replaces the previous "fast boil" (aka "fast burn") eye with with a grill accessory will use the elements more evenly. Also, the split oven now has a split door which seems likely to be an improvement. Need to acquire a third oven rack, though.

Also have a new weed wacker that hopefully will be better about adding new line. I was willing to switch battery systems for this promised improvement.

Must mow weeds today. The invasive false hawkweeds are about to go to seed. Then back to digging. Worked late the last two days.

--== ∞ ==--

The Artemis II mission has been a delight to monitor. I will admit joking as we watched the work to extract the astronauts that they were all catching up on the news and refusing to leave the capsule and demanding to return to space. Or that the three Americans all were applying to become Canadian citizens. When Christine muttered that there had to be a better way, i noted that if we still had a shuttle -- or the commercial projects were reliable -- the crew could have docked at the space station and been returned to earth with a landing in Florida and a dignified exit. While the shuttle did have a few "rapid unscheduled disassembly" events, that was two out of 135 missions, over thirty years. Why we couldn't build on successful work....

I note that there's less reported delight here than pointing at my great dissatisfaction and bitterness.

--== ∞ ==--

Work continues with intensity, but different focus. Work wants us leaning into AI (sigh) so i have been using AI to review existing code and document the constraints and controls that have evolved since 2007. I've learned things that are concerning already, so i will continue. It's been frustrating, as my standard for documentation is different than the agent's, probably because my purpose is less usual. "Concise and precise," i keep lecturing as i encounter rambling comments and descriptions that are redundant with the documentation. I keep thinking that i'm almost at a point i might be able to stop obsessing, and then it spits out content that drives me nuts. I finally built enough of a body of documentation that i thought it could stand as an exemplar. Unfortunately the agent then added all its new work to the exemplar. When i sputtered about it failing its review against the exemplar, the response was, "But it says exactly this!" It inferred it was to keep the two in sync. That was late last night.

I have also learned some things about "prompting": It thinks an appropriate response to a process question is to begin working. (I am at the edge of f bombs.) I also need to tell it explicitly that it is to assume i want it to do the whole prompt and not stop in the middle to check if i really meant it. (Oh, the cursing.) Not that i believe any of these instructions are going to be persistently effective, as i have evidence it will ignore instructions. The guidance document begins with "Agents do not edit this file," and the agent keeps editing it. When i last asked, "What does the file say about editing it?" the agent edited it to say it could edit it under some rambly conditions i didn't care about because NO. Maybe with the instruction that questions do not mean to go work, Socratic questions won't trigger revisionist behavior. (Is this hope? Lying to myself? What?)

Also i didn't add the production code to the change management for the documentation work because (1) it's not changing and (2) it's managed elsewhere. I lost track of the number of times the agent quit work (or made up stuff) because it thought it didn't have the code. I think it's finally documented where it is enough, but it still stopped and raised the concern that the code might be moved away. (More cursing.)

Given that this is the database design and the code for the application that calls the database, it is the hard foundation work. There's lots of code debt where the database design and the data model no longer really match. But then there are three additional applications that call the database and, for Reasons due to various nonsense in the early years, all manage and validate the data differently, and variously represent data in currently preferred manners that get translated before being pushed to the database. Two more applications also push data into the database through even more specialized flows, also with lots of hidden business logic. I hope i can get the scaffolding complete so those applications can be reviewed and documented in an truly automated manner.

The motive for this work is that another team wanted to be able to create and edit the records without going through all the guardrails of the existing clients... in May. So there is some urgency that we know what the cursed guardrails are ASAP.

In some ways, this is making way for my retirement. I am getting stuff documented in detail so i am not the validation engine before changes.

Entertainingly, on Tuesday i announced to colleagues that this introvert finds talking to AIs all day just as exhausting as being in a meeting all day with people. On Friday, a colleague from that meeting commiserated with my AI complaints by noting they had read this week that introverts find working with AIs just as exhausting as with people. I just bit my lip and nodded enthusiastically.

--== ∞ ==--

The whole genocidal fascist in charge thing is also an escalation of distress that i wasn't good at verbalizing to begin with. Perhaps noticing the number of fascists who think it's wrong is encouraging? Is it no longer an Overton window but a Overton retractable roof over a mega-coliseum? I glanced at images of damage to the Golestan Palace. It has been clear to me that the racisim that underlines the attributions of Western Culture is a type of intentional ignorance. I know enough to know so much of what is considered Western Culture is indebted to Persian culture to be horrified. Ah, a quick search indicates that Iran celebrated the 2,500th anniversary of the founding of the Persian Empire in 1973. I just... https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctt1w6tbv4 Ooh look, America is 250 years old.

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(morning writing, f&f, health, garden, cats)

2026-04-05T12:56:36Z

It's been a couple social weekends in a row, in March, and i've come tumbling down to a sick weekend. Spring Equinox i have observed by trying to get dirt moved before the 80+degree days get too entrenched. I am feeling a little guilt today for not being more connected to my community of family in the ritual greetings at holidays.

The weekend of the 20th, my niece was in a play and the next day we had a big family meal with my nephew who was heading back to college. There were some Christine porcupine moments but we got through. The next weekend i needed to get plants in the ground and so took off work early to make progress. All Saturday was given over to more social things: my brother and father came to the No Kings protest with my sister and I, then that evening my sister's family, my brother, and Christine and i went to see Hail Mary. Christine went home (and my brother-in-law wanted to go but missed that ride) and the rest of us had a late dinner.

Then there was more digging on Sunday, Monday evening, and Tuesday evening. The raised beds are almost full as i get 50 cubic feet of soil from old compost piles and the moldered pile of wood chips that has languished in the drive for a couple of years, rich with worm castings and mycelium. I'm layering in some clay , hopefully making a good home for these plants.

Wednesday was the Artemis II launch, and then Thursday and Friday i was out of it with a head cold. Yesterday, too.

I planted the Thomasville citrangequat on Monday along with three different shrubby native mints - wild rosemaries or calamints: Clinopodium coccineum 'Amber Blush', Clinopodium georgianum 'Desi Arnez', and Conradina canescens 'Gray Mound'. I've a Clinopodium arkansanum from last year that has overwintered happily, but it's a low growing form - not a shrub. These plants aren't commonly used for landscaping, but are not attractive to deer and do have flushes of flowers like rosemary and savories. I am terrified i will kill them all because they are all sandy soil, sand hills, beach, limestone natives, but i have read they (like so many mints) adapt fine just fine. So i sprang for them and they are in the 10x10 bed between the drive and the garden plot, with the northwest corner anchored by an old apple tree.

This year was the second spring, i think, since planting that bed with the first wave of plants. The waves of cold have confused some of the daffodils and narcissus, but it's greening up nicely. The Vernonia gigantea, a type of ironweed, a tall fall blooming member of the Asteraceae with purple flowers, worries me that it hasn't survived or isn't thriving. It dies back in the winter, so i just trust it takes a while to send back shoots. (But the droughty year past makes me worry it hasn't rooted itself well enough.) The "Sunburst" St Johns wort -- a woody shrub -- was pruned by the deer last year, but i think it was to its benefit. I'm hoping the shrubby mints survive and help give some winter structure to the area.

Two more plant orders are out there, being queued for delivery. One is for the companions for the citrangequat: a yuzu and two pineapple guavas. They probably should be planted further apart, and the chestnut is rowing so fast this might not be a sunny spot soon. Worry worry and second guess. The other order has much more highly bread and hybridized plants: two colorful yarrows and "Homestead purple" verbena as ground cover for the 10x10 bed (admittedly when yarrow blooms it is taller), a hummingbird mint, "Morello" also for the 10x10 bed. Then two monarda with very similar colors, but different bloom times, for ... well, i am not quite sure at the moment.

Work continues OK at the moment. An intense two weeks digging into some details.

Bruno and Marlowe continue to slowly come to terms with each other. Bruno is clear that he gets to sit with me in the living area in the morning while Marlowe is outside or escorted to a sleeping Christine. The doors separating them are open more often, even overnight. There are hissy fits, and Bruno still flits like a silent shadow to safety, but a future where we aren't negotiating seems possible.

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(morning writing, rest, garden)

2026-03-25T11:47:40Z

In glad-i'm-not-a-farmer news, we hit freezing around 4 am this morning. While we aren't going low enough to harm the blueberries (no fruit set yet) the king blossoms on the apple tree will be harmed. Fortunately apples have a small defense in that they don't open all the blossoms at once.

This year i do have multiple pawpaw blooms on multiple trees so i could go do some hand pollination. Apparently, very few blossoms get pollinated and with the asymmetric flower count on trees and the need for cross pollination, i think a little help would be wise.

--== Rest ==--

Yesterday i think a few things triggered me at work: i'm using a new to me database tool and i was getting odd SQL failures. I suspect that's just the sort of thing on a project i have procrastinated on to trigger more procrastination. I don't think i had quite gotten to self blame, but i definitely hit the "this is what happens when work goes stale" thought - one step from self blame. I don't know why the error indicating i don't have permission occurs but using a different pane in the app works. I don't know that i need to sort out the difference.

The other was a discussion with legal, where i apparently surprised them with the existence of an application and -- while this may make my design work trivial -- who wants to surprise lawyers (except, of course, opposing counsel).

Then the dermatologist appointment needed me to reveal my skin again in places i wasn't excited to disrobe, and the trainee doctor kept repeating my "twice a week" dosing schedule as "twice a day on weekends" which, wtf. I haven't checked what was recorded. Also, freaking impossible to pronounce meds.

Yay me, i got to the end of the workday without too much avoidance, but i had no energy for anything else. So after work i didn't feel like setting an intention and i acknowledged i needed rest.

I finished reading a fantasy novella which, yes annie_r, bon-bon. Then opened instagram and next thing i knew it was dinner time with no time to make the planned meal.

Did i feel rested? Pffff. Maybe? But the spikes of ... regret ... about dinner, and then when i looked at my list and email (oh no, forgot about X and what is this email about Y? Do i need to respond right now?) offset any rest. And while my instagram account is furniture refinishing and potters and woodworkers and now sewing tips -- it soothes but i certainly should have set a timer.

--== ∞ ==--

I can't begrudge authors but the trend of shorter books sold as a serial instead of a big fat fantasy tome does have budget implications.

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(morning writing, garden, executive function)

2026-03-24T11:43:50Z

As the temperatures swing here, from uncomfortably warm (i had to stop the HVAC from cooling last night, despite it being welcome) to chill (no frost warning yet), i wonder if our average is... average? Probably not. The warm is far too warm.

The "king bloom" of the apple blossoms opened yesterday. The other apples seem quite behind: the shade of the pines makes a difference. Somehow the tree has pollinated in previous years: i hope the bees can make it work this year. Blue berry blossoms are opening and inviting bees as well. I should probably give hand pollination of the paw paw a try.

Yesterday's executive functioning went well, remarkable after a month of flailing a bit. I might be on the edge of figuring out something. I did realize my image of what rest looks like is remarkably dim and fuzzy. For Other People it is the lounge chair by the pool or the ocean. There wasn't much rest in my growing up: the morning coffee my parents shared with each other on the weekend inevitably exploded into an argument as they tried to plan what they were going to do that day, a weird lesson in intimacy, communication and, i realize, rest and doing. For me, i think of when i was really sick as a child and spent the time in bed with scissors and construction paper.

I'm suspicious i rested on Sunday, and it didn't look like rest at some angles. There were lists and check boxes and time boxes. On the other hand, there weren't any intentions that lasted longer than ten minutes or maybe twenty. There was laundry. (The air while filled with pollen is dry. The Bruno bed pads and rags dried so quickly!) There was acceptance i was tired from the physical labor on Saturday.

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(garden, adhd, executive function, f&f, cats)

2026-03-22T22:50:04Z

Bruno was no where to be found on Saturday morning, worrying me, and acting as a small delay on my plan to be out before it got too warm. When Christine got up, we closed Carrie off and Marlowe out, and hunted. On the fourth or fifth check under the bed he was there. He is such a shadow. He seemed much more normal this morning. We've let Marlowe have more access to him, but maybe he needs the next few nights to be closed off.

I made a great deal of progress on the raised beds on Saturday. The French drain is under the 3x6 bed, the gravel screened off with hardware cloth and then either pea gravel (where visible) or reused tiny gravel (found when digging out the area) over the screen. The 3x6 bed is in place, mostly level, mostly back filled on the outside and filling begun on the inside. (This morning i assembled the two halves of the 4x8 bed. I want just halves to help in managing as i continue to clear out the foundation and dig the French drain that will also act as a reservoir. Today was too bleeping warm for digging.)

I found a Dekay's brown snake and a marbled salamander: they eat earthworms and slugs so, yay, healthy ecosystem? Also found some earthworms but left them to the work they were at. I do need to relocate some to the worm bins.

Also on Saturday, we had lunch with my sister's family and Dad. Christine said she wasn't coming and i was both understanding of some reasons: my dad can be awkward and indeed didn't wear his hearing aid and misgendered C at a moment when he was distracted and speaking to me. I think i was the only one to hear. I was also frustrated -- because i think she needs connections and we don't have many. She ended up coming, and i don't think it was too hard on her. She hates the family photos, and this time i had the sense to suggest SHE take the photo. I hope i can remember that in the future.

Today i was tired and achy. I've tried setting up some tools to help me with my intentions. One is a ten minute focus tool that reminds me every ten minutes to stay on focus, with a half way, a 2 minutes remaining, and a 1 minute remaining marks. I really don't have a good sense of ten minutes, i found as i used those. I also had another for less focus for another ten minute time block with just the half way, a 2 minutes remaining, and a 1 minute remaining marks. I decided i wanted to buy a new tea infuser because mine, well over ten years old, has become encrusted with tea residue, reducing the flow through the nylon mesh. I used the last 5 minutes of the ten minute focus there, and it definitely helped me refrain from getting distracted.

Continued thinking about the time that passes that isn't intentional has added a few more classifiers for a list of avoidance, escape, distraction, urgent-unplanned (not quite an emergency). I still need to find how to refuel myself, rest. I've tried resting today, too.

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Happy spring! (morning writing)

2026-03-21T11:54:31Z

The small multi-flowered yellow narcissus are still blooming, while the later narcissus in pale butter yellow and white haven't started yet. It has not been a good spring for daffodils -- yet? It's finally time for the native flowers: violets are rioting, the red buds are beginning to shimmer with color. One red bud i had transplanted some years ago on the south berm has blossoms. The volunteer at the other end of the berm seems strangely inert. The surviving dogwoods are opening their white bracts to the sky. I've lost some creeping phlox to a combination of weeds and drought. The spice bush blooms seem to have been lost this year, overwhelmed by the grey-green leaf-out of the invasive autumn olive and possibly their own leaves. The Chickasaw plum had so many flower buds, but i think rain and freezing weather limited the show. A juneberry in the woods by the driveway has a few high blossoms. The one i have planted still waits for the right time: perhaps it still needs a few years.

We have been in "severe" drought since January, the longest since we moved here, and the most severe since a terrible "exceptional" drought in 2007-2008. (None of this like California drought, which was "exceptional" from 2014 to the end of 2016.) No indication of any frost chance for the next ten days, barely any rain. I've probably wasted all the money i have spent on grass seed.

It was overcast last night so i missed the moon-Venus conjunction and any chance of dim aurora.

I am intending to see some family at lunch today, and to dig and assemble my new raised beds. I hope to get the complicated parts -- assembly, leveling the site, trenching the French drain and adding coarse gravel, a screen, and finer gravel mostly done this weekend. Then i think smaller efforts trundling fill from various sites will be easier.

The Thomasville citrangequat has been ordered; tabs open for two pineapple guavas and a yuzu. I've ordered seeds of goat's rue (Tephrosia virginiana), a native legume with showy flowers, as a nitrogen fixing cover crop. I am imagining adding a few artichokes to act as a cover, too, until the trees fill in. Maybe a lavender.

My performance at work this week was not good, much frittering, and that needs to pull around.

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(morning writing, adhd, executive function, f&f)

2026-03-20T17:04:09Z

Yesterday was far more peopling than usual: a day of meetings and then went to see my niece play the protagonist in Mean Girls: the High School version -- that goes on forever. (I think it's the full theater version but with softened innuendo.) It might be less painful if someone knew how to set the gain on the mics. My niece and the antagonist both have powerful voices. I wish i liked musicals but recent exposure because of my niece has not improved my opinion of the format.

I continue thinking about my relationship to "doing", and refocused on time not intentionally spent. I've realized by "intention" i have excluded things i will do anyway, which historically included journaling (although for a number of years that has not been as true as perhaps i need). And meals, and relaxing with Christine. Time dealing with physical irritations and discomfort. Digital irritations: application forced upgrades and restarts. There are many other things in that category, but i think i generally accept that they exist. The solution isn't adding more overhead -- more decisions about priorities and mucking about with lists -- but allowing for the time in intentions and valuing it.

I'm recognizing there are (at least) two other types of time not intentionally spent: avoiding and escaping. I think once upon a time i was "better" with my avoiding time. When work was so hard for me i believe i spent more time journaling and understanding my feelings, framing my frustrations, and clarifying why i was upset -- and then i could move forward. There were also more of the classic "procrastination" behaviors of doing X instead of Y, which i seem to have subverted in some ways. Now neither of Y or X get done.

I think some of the weight -- disappointment? dissatisfaction? -- i am carrying lately is more about how much time i spend in avoiding and escaping. I may be in a viscous circle where having become more aware of intentional vs avoiding vs escaping time i cannot become unaware. As the avoiding feels increasingly out of my control, my frustration escalates, feeding into the emotional demand to escape. In the past, it seemed i could just escape into one novel, and then feel "reset" and get back to business as normal, but that sense of reset seems far less accessible now. All 11 novels in a series later, still not "reset," rereading a trilogy still not "reset."

Ah yes, another type of time not intentionally spent is distraction, which is possibly a variation on avoiding and escaping, but i think its another class altogether.

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(executive function )

2026-03-11T21:56:05Z

I have a general frustration of "I want to have done X but i am not doing it." And just writing that down has illustrated something for me. I am not sure i have desires about actually doing, but i have desires i want done. That's.... interesting.

Monday's therapy raised something for me, which is the frame i have for doing things. At a very large scale i think i have values driving things. But when i get closer in, i have more "i'm not doing this because how-Mom-framed-her-activities or how-Dad-framed-her-activities or how-the-dominant-culture-frames-doing" than my own reasons or frames.

Phrasing that i want "to have done" something does help a little, because i think it helps me see that i am not engaging with the doing, really, and the doing is the next step. So if i want to have grafted the scions i bought to the crepe myrtle and fig before they scions die, i need to start thinking about wanting to be outside (yay) with a sharp thing (erm) maybe on a ladder (erm x2) figuring out how to try something i can only try once a year and that the success feedback comes very slowly, sigh, and that i may not succeed because i am still learning. Hmm, maybe i could just graft the current fig onto the current fig to have more practice. And i don't need to get all concerned with "is this really the best place" for the purchased scions, just graft them SOMEWHERE and see if it takes. If they take and i want to move them, that's OK.

Another change in my being is that i am a little more aware of the specific feelings/emotions that i am escaping from (generally to novels). Over my vacation, there was shame/frustration/anger of misplacing tomato seeds. I was aware of wanting to avoid those feelings and thinking about it. Yesterday, Christine was upset about something and also i wasn't ready to really face the outcome of Monday's therapy. So i read.

I am frustrated with the reading because i have a hard time stopping and there are all the things i want to have done that won't happen while i am reading. But i am also frustrated with my constant (it seems) inability to have done things. And that's .. ah, there, that is still a heavy emotion that will be hard to address except in little bits.

Monday i was very very tired after therapy, and i still feel tired today. I am in the muddle of why: am i sick (coughing more - -because pollen? or cold? or?), in a fatigue flare? Or emotionally tired and maybe i would feel better if i actually did something, anything?

I had a virtual visit with a health care provider and have an OK on doubling up on antihistamines. We'll see if that hits this lethargy.

Meanwhile, insane weather. The saucer magnolia is a cloud of pink. Maybe the rain tomorrow will somehow protect it from the frost/freeze on Friday morning.

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(morning writing)

2026-03-07T15:21:07Z

There is a little bitty spider on the ceiling of the front room where Bruno spends most of his time. It's so small even i am not distressed by it. He is FUSSING at it.

Horrified by the continued attacks on Iran, the demands for surrender. (And the continued Russian attack on Ukraine, and Israel's expanded attacks on Lebanon. I'm sure there's plenty in Gaza to continue to be horrified about: it's just not on the front page right now. And the continued internal ICE aggression, the concentration aka detainment camps, the anti-trans legislation, the rolling back of any attempt to prevent increased global warming....) Sorry, just it's so right there.

I was up late last night, first experimenting with our new smart telescope, then reading. I awoke coughing at almost 5 am, and decided to get up since an accursed time change happens in the US tomorrow. It is a grey gloomy morning and my mind wanders agressively.

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(morning writing, observe, retirement, cats, garden)

2026-03-04T12:22:35Z

I was obsessing with retirement through much of February because (1) approaching birthday (2) colleague on Big Project retiring (3) my uncertainty about what happens with Big Project when i retire. Not that it won't happen without me, but more assumptions that i will be there.

I took Friday through Tuesday off, partly as a birthday, partly to practice for retirement. I don't know when i will retire. I've decided i don't need to really think about decisions until the end of this year and that's if i want to give very graceful notice. Things i am considering though are how well i am ding at work and how well i can manage myself without the big stick of work expectations hanging over me.

This long plus weekend was less than ideal in some ways. In ways it went well, i got outside on the two nice days and made significant progress in the north end of the garden plot. I cleaned most of that end up last year, held back stilt grass. It's now very mulched between the rows and some greens planted. I also set some time aside for birthday celebrations - Friday night with family, Sunday brunch with a friend.

But, broadly a good bit of the time was reading or sitting and poking at my digital stuff. My todo list is in worse shape now. My gardening data is a little better off: after making something complex, i turned around and simplified it so there is a prayer i can keep up. I didn't make progress on any of the miscellaneous to dos cluttering (like installing the new rain gauge). I shopped for new things to do, like some raised beds with my Dad's birthday gift to me that will then have some feijoas (pineapple guava, an evergreen to screen the heat pump compressor and all the power boxes on the wall) and a yuzu in it. Christine has bought a smart telescope for us, which will be very fun because it has an equatorial tracking mode that looks very easy and will make using it in our back yard easy. Watching people do astrophotography on Tokyo rooftops was amazing; our skies are reasonably dark: Bortle 4, "rural suburban transition" which one of the Dutch astrophotographers described as what he would travel to get.

In really good news, Bruno asked to come out of his room a few times in the evening and all of us sat in the living room together in the evening. Marlowe was indignant, but there were long peaceful stretches. Bruno and Carrie are getting more used to each other: Carrie is still excited to see Bruno, but settles. Bruno relaxes around a relaxed Carrie. Did have a bad pee event on the couch on my proper birthday, and i think the foam might still be drying out. Piffle.

Back to retirement thoughts: i have lots of vacation banked. I need to practice setting intentions and following through without work acting as the structure and the excuse for not doing things. Plants offer a touch of motivation as they at least have certain unstoppable issues, and the scion wood i bought to graft on the crepe myrtle and the fig is waiting for me in the fridge.

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(morning writing)

2026-02-19T13:11:13Z

Glad i showed myself i could follow through and -- over the past week and a half -- did get grass seed down in orchard in time for rains and warmth to help get it started. Pruned the fig and blue berries, pruned two apples and have attempted training some branches (probably using inappropriate materials). Two apple trees and the persimmon remain, well, and the elderberries but the elderberries have leafed out and they grow like weeds.

Then had 36 hours of executive function vacation.

I continue to fear whether i am productive enough, competent enough at work, which yes, evidence says yes i am, but plenty of evidence that people who seem competent and productive and critical to understanding things get laid off. On the other hand, no big layoffs seem promising. The fear makes me look closely at retiring sooner rather than later: two years and a month and a few more days is the earliest i could sensibly retire and receive what appears to be a reasonable health care benefit from my employer.

So part of my mind is saying: just hang on and then .... what.

Admittedly, part of my mind remains amazed that all the economic engines continues as they have for decades. Climate forecasts for 2030 made when i was in college were missing -- as the scientists noted then -- factors that would offset the warming the models predicted. Which was pretty dire. And peoples around the globe have made efforts to slow our impact, and the models refined and we found -- for example -- the ocean had even more capacity to be a heat sink. Nonetheless, I suspect though that i will always feel a distrust of planning for the future: particularly trusting investment income as a stable foundation.

Another part of my mind makes a loud echoing "tick" when i take my morning and evening pills and i feel the time pass. I didn't contact any family members, haven't done anything to include myself in a community that takes care of each other. Yesterday i read the yoga center in town is shutting its doors (and selling its property to be redeveloped). I know the people who make the community there, who i felt might be local community i could connect with, aren't going away, but the locus of an intention has dissolved.

I see something that i think would trigger Christine's elephants. I know she is working on her elephants, i see her improving coping skills increasing capacity. I watch the news of more anti-trans efforts come in from Erin in the Morning and can't imagine the day to day toll that puts on Christine. And i know that the anti-immigrant, racist, anti-gay, anti-women energy is there, too.

I now i can do that thing, have grief and worry and frustration and still hold in my heart the beauty of the early Crocus tommasinianus and Iris reticulata and anticipation of a Chickasaw plum (Prunus angustifolia) covered with flowers. I also appreciate my colleagues, my friends here, and my friends across the country.

May we all find the capacity to hold our personal grief and our global worries at the same time as appreciation and gratitude, that we find joy as we also open ourselves to witness others suffering and have compassion for all living things. Maybe not stilt grass in North Carolina. Nope, not sure i can find compassion for that plant. It's always something.

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(cooking)

2026-02-14T17:10:57Z

So i have some no-fat ricotta that i no longer need for the original reason. I figured maybe i could make something a little sweet and maybe it could satisfy my sweet tooth -- and it seemed like a good use for my dehydrated mulberries. I found some spice bush berries from 2024 in my pantry, preserved in sugar, and thought that might be a lovely combination. So: ground the mulberries, ground about a teaspoon of spicebush berries, and tossed the sugar from the jar in. Then spooned ... maybe half the small container into the bowl. I mixed, tasted, and ... brain churned, tastebuds argued, and... ah. It wasn't sugar, it was salt the spicebush berries were preserved in.

Oh my. So i mixed the rest of the ricotta in -- still really very salty -- and i read the internet. Apparently there is a drained, salted, and "aged" cheese called ricotta salata. So, i have put it in a filter bag and the tofu press and maybe it will be nice in salads?

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(meme)

2026-02-08T13:53:18Z

H/T [personal profile] https://sparkythegeek.dreamwidth.org/profilesparkythegeek https://sparkythegeek.dreamwidth.org/

1. What did you want to be when you were a kid? Writer, scientist... teacher probably came to mind.

2. What is your proudest accomplishment so far? My inner transformations.

*3. What is your dream job? *To survey and map properties for native and invasive plants, documenting the seasonal change and wild life, and helping the stewards understand the history and natural communities of their place.

4. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I hope i am thriving with Christine in retirement, involved with local community -- native plant people? spiritual (yoga? Quaker?) community people? -- creating, caring for my body, stewarding home and yarden,

*5. What does it take to make you happy? *Awareness and looking up from my complaints.

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(meme)

2026-02-08T13:44:52Z

H/T [personal profile] https://cmcmck.dreamwidth.org/profilecmcmck https://cmcmck.dreamwidth.org/ and [personal profile] https://minoanmiss.dreamwidth.org/profileminoanmiss https://minoanmiss.dreamwidth.org/ (hope that works)

1 what's your favorite kitchen appliance? My immersion blender with chopper and processor attachments

2 do you have a collection of anything? North Carolina made pottery. A small mask collection. I have large accumulations of books, plants, seeds but i'm not sure accumulation has the intentionality of collection.

3 what's the best job you've ever had? My current role is very satisfying.

4 what's the worst job you've ever had? It was the manager, not the role, that was miserable.

5 what's your favorite piece of furniture and where did you get it? I do not have a favorite piece. We have Christine's grandfather's quarter sawn oak craftsman desk that is meaningful, and the previous owner made a kitchen island with concave front, a cherrywood top and some other wood for the curved cabinet and drawers. It is a gorgeous piece no matter how many times i catch my hips on the corners which arc out.

6 what's your go-to recipe when you want to make something that requires minimal effort?

Bread and cheese isn't a recipe.... The "minimal effort" is confounding me. Minimal effort for one person is a muchness for another: i think nothing of cutting up fresh veg but it's a barrier for Christine. She makes things that require stirring which -- look if i have to do something to keep it from burning, it's not minimal effort.

7 are you married or do you intend to get married? Married for 35 years this year.

8 do you have kids? do you want them? No. "Want" seems weird to me in this context, although it seems a common enough frame for most people.

9 are you on good terms with your parents? It was very complicated with my mother. With my Dad, for a basic understanding of good terms, yes.

10 do you have siblings? do you hang out with them? My sister is near and we spend time together when we can; my brother is far and we try to make time to video conference.

11 do you vote? YES

12 what's the biggest purchase you've ever made? Our home.

13 what are your hobbies? Currently various yarden activities that are hard to delineate between hobby and maintenance and stewardship.

14 what's a hobby you'd like to get into? I'd like to return to photography, fiber arts (crochet and sewing and fabric dyeing), and visual arts. I wonder if poetry and writing are still interests.

15 do you collect anything? I am not currently collecting pottery as i have boxes that are not on display, and my mother's collection is in a little limbo. The masks and the art we have is not hung. I suppose i am collecting things that would make living comfortable if the power goes out for an extended time and yard, forestry, and gardening tools.

16 how long have you known your oldest friend? Over forty. Not doing math.

17 are you a member of any clubs or associations? The professional group IdPro. The NC Botanical garden and the NC Native plants society.

18 have you ever changed fields in your career or education? Not during education, but i have gone through a number of changes in specialist knowledge.

19 how many wisdom teeth do you have and have you had any removed? I think they are all removed.

20 what's your favorite beverage? Keemun tea.

21 do you have any living grandparents? No, but my paternal grandmother made it to 104.

22 do you have nieces/nephews/godchildren/other kids in your life that aren't yours? Niblings are in my life, more or less. I'd welcome them more in my life.

23 what's the coolest place you've visited? Is this temperature? Or hipness? Because when i was in Ohio last week is was 0°F (-18°C). But only a few places i've been to in Ohio seem cool.

24 what's your most recent degree and has it been useful to you? I have not used my certificate in GIS, but would like to.

25 would you rather own a dishwasher or a laundry machine if you could only have one or the other? Er, dishwasher, but there are not many laundramats where i live now. One five miles away, and if that didn't suit, one fifteen miles away.

26 do you make a list before going to the grocery store or just wing it? List

27 what's your favorite household chore? Erm....

28 what chore do you hate the most? Erm....

29 do you have houseplants and how are you at keeping them alive? I bring plants in for the winter, and this year they are not doing so well.

30 what's your living arrangement? who do you live with, in what kind of building, do you own or rent or other? My spouse and i live in a what i will call a cottage, although it lacks traditional cottage style elements. The weathered cedar siding inspired our front porch rework to have raw cedar log posts and live edge, rough cut slats in the railing, with "stone" facing on the masonry. Inside is cozy, cluttered, and comfortable as opposed to stylish. We "own" it, and will really own it hopefully in less time than the ten years left on the mortgage.

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(morning writing)

2026-02-07T13:55:24Z

HOME! I am home home home home.

This business of feeling feelings: so glad to be home. I think i loathe air travel. Thank goodness for e-books, enabling me to dissociate from the experience. There was a period when i was flying cross country and crocheting when audio books and crochet were my flight go tos, but between there being more of me and less room i can't imagine doing much than holding the phone. Between NC and Ohio with stops at a hub were just tiny hops in the air and back down and long stretches of sitting or lugging.

Work went well. We had an all staff meeting where our president cheer-led us in this year's theme of courage under pressure, and i think i needed to hear it. This project will take much courage. It will also be very engaging between now and retirement, and i wonder if it will exhaust me or engage me.

And there was some speaking of retirement. Our product person DH is retiring... soon? I thought it was next year but some chatter made me suddenly wonder if it's this year. I discussed that question with the engineering manager BC as he drove me to the airport. (We both thought it was further off.) BC said he was planning to retire at 60 as our employer has a health care benefit that continues then until Medicare. (He said it as if it was a long way off. Rummages in LinkedIn: hmm, he graduated from college 9 years after i did.) He thinks our employer will pay the same into our health care as they do now after retirement. I just thought we could buy into the same negotiated plan. I can take the benefit on Friday, 2028-03-31.

I don't know if it will be fiscally wise to retire then, but right now i hold that out as conceivable retirement to myself when my sense of energy flags. Working until 62 or 63 would have some financial benefits. I just don't know if i can i develop practices to take care of my physical body.

--== ∞ ==--

I did take double doses of my morning meds yesterday, unintentionally. Last day, i thought, and downed all the remaining pills, forgetting that the trip was a day shorter than planned. I found a pub med review of 400+ overdoses for the med and decided i did not need to call poison control. There's a one percent chance on paper of a bad reaction, and i am a larger person, so the impact would be diluted. I reduced caffeine, crossed my fingers, and all was ok. I have lots of other physical complaints and whining, but nothing worrisome.

Christine says she's feeling stronger and can tell she's healing.

I should move my body today, something in the yarden. Unpack. I probably have a long list of todos.

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(morning writing)

2026-02-03T12:30:12Z

Made it to Ohio! Since my passport card is my real id, i left my drivers license. It was very last minute after taking the shuttle to the car rental place, and picking out a car, and driving to the gate when i realized.

At least there are things such as cabs and delivery dinner (salmon salad!) and colleagues with cars -- this should all work out just fine.

But argh. This is why check lists. Lessons learned can accrue on them.

Dublin, Ohio is far to the west of this timezone. The sky lightens up fairly late compared to what i am used to. That and the latitude, i guess. (It's north to me! 40° instead of 35.8°; y'all who live in real north can just laugh.)

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(morning writing)

2026-02-01T15:07:00Z

Friday, i managed to get ice off much of the deck and sidewalk. Deck's gonna need repainting and i think i will do it myself this time and address the issues that were not by the professional. (Eye roll). It was physically engaging, and i felt i'd had a real work out. The salt was impressive: while i didn't get rid of some of it in the driveway, i could rake and roughen the surface in a wa where i'd scattered salt that i couldn't elsewhere. Seeing the rusty salt on the white sleet-creet did give me opinions about my seed spreader: it definitely is not even. (But more even than hand casting.) I just disappeared into a book after all the effort.

Yesterday morning Other Places were snowed in and we were in the "dry slot." My feelings churned around the changing travel, but around 12:30 snow started. By 4:45 pm we had 1 7/8" of snow (measured using the recommended white board, which was then swept off), and it kept coming. This morning we have an additional 2 5/8" on the board, so that's a nice even 4.5" total

I hope i can relax today and also prep for the trip. I got a cancellation notice for the Sunday flight i had changed to Monday, but i've confirmed that i am booked Monday.

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(morning writing)

2026-01-30T12:45:03Z

And déjà vu: Sunday flight to Ohio has been moved to Monday. This time i really need to go (or give up). At least the forecast for Ohio temps next week isn't quite so arctic. Never above freezing, yes, but one can see the balmy temperature of the freezing point from the forecast.

Our north slope shaded house still has plenty of ice about. The clumping clay litter for traction ... well, better than breaking a neck. So glad i covered our steps last weekend. Expect this weekend will have Real Snow that can be shoveled instead of Sleet-crete, the accumulation of sleet welded together with freezing rain.

I had a meeting with my product people where i set Worry That We Are VERY AMBITIOUS at their feet to think about.

Christine is getting better but it's still soon after surgery.

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(morning writing, work, weather, fascism)

2026-01-28T12:52:51Z

Yesterday after work i just escaped into a book. I finished Rachel Neumeier's Death's Lady trilogy. The first book felt complete and stand alone, and i found the in this world with a mental institution housing a distressed person from another world to be different and engaging. Would real therapists and psychiatrists approve? I dunno, but i enjoyed it. The next two books are one story that i was impatient with -- just as likely a me problem as that of the text, as in retrospect i regard it with some pleasure. The fourth book, last night, was of redemption. The lovely aspect of these books is the alternate world has recovered from a long traumatic time of cruelty and the young leader has an instinct for healing.

And i escaped there again.

I am privileged in that generally we can sit out the ice and snow and enjoy looking and walking in it. The stretch of road we are on retains the ice long after it clears elsewhere, our north slope grounds are shaded by tall pines and we keep the snow for a long while. I suspect that once we get round the curve i will, as usual, be surprised at how different everywhere else is.

"KEY MESSAGE 1...Confidence continues to grow in at least measurable snowfall in central NC Fri night into Sun morning, but considerable uncertainty remains with an incredibly wide range of potential snowfall amounts and related impacts.... This pattern is favorable for at least light snow with a high snow/liquid ratio within central NC, but also brings an incredibly difficult forecast challenge.... The likelihood ... remains a point of considerable uncertainty and may not be ironed out until 1-2 days before the event begins. However, the top analogs and latest suite of ... model guidance highlights at least the potential for significant snowfall totals somewhere from the Carolinas into the Mid-Atlantic. There are a few failure modes for this setup which would result in less precipitation over central NC. "

I like reading the local NWS (RAH) area forecast. The above is essentially how i skim the text. Whole paragraphs of technical air masses and troughs and poetic phrases like the "stronger synoptic ascent overspreads" i consume to produce some abstract impressionist concept of weather maps in my head, but i am on the look out for the process. These forecasters speaking to other forecasters focus on certainty and uncertainty and the basis for claims. The meaningful weather maps right now focus on what the probability is that warning or watches need to be issued -- not how much. The graphical ten day forecast i look at has no way to condense in all this uncertainty, except for the numbers to jump around as new models are run.

The Weather Channel is apparently naming it Winter Storm Gianna.

Meanwhile, the project planning for which i am scheduled to fly to Ohio this weekend -- exhale, it will be what it will be -- gripped my heart yesterday with dread. I am feeling inadequate as i look into some cryptographic technologies and consider the chuzpah with which we undertake this planning. I think i had forgotten the depths of some of the issues facing us in this work, and yesterday it all came back to me. I am ... thankful ... for the pause that means i have this complexity in mind as we head into the planning.

Meanwhile, i read one of my Republican senator's statements critical of ICE and fume at the wishy washy way he weasels his critique to "protect President Trump's legacy." The press has carried stories about the fear these politicians have of getting in the crosshairs of the MAGA and Q faithful who have shown themselves willing to assault and attack. The attack on Paul Pelosi, on judges, on governors, even the attempted assassination attempts -- yes, i can understand the fear. But there are people on the street in Minneapolis who are brave and are also facing violence and attack and no doubt MAGA and Q faithful are doxxing people who have made themselves visible -- can this senator not be brave enough to do more?

The number of deaths in ICE's custody has shot up this year and part of it is the ignorance in which they bring people into custody, the lack of support for the people who have chronic conditions, the utter lack of care. Funding of DHS should also be contingent on hiring the medical staff and translators and custodial staff, and buying supplies to support the people in custody. If ANYONE is in custody, the state should be meeting their physical and legal needs.

ICE needs to be held accountable for those deaths, too. Not just the terror they are causing on the streets, but the tedious quiet horror of neglect in custody.

Argh, there is so much wrong with the whole horrible, racist process.

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(weather, fascism )

2026-01-25T19:22:43Z

Yesterday i could just feel all the stress from the week, the worry about travel, draining away. Some distress over not starting the generator, but it was cold, and cold gas engines are PITA. We have the propane heater and could heat the garage, and then could probably get the generator going, if that was needed. Or let the engine sit near the jeep exhaust for a while. We've done that to the wood chipper. At some point we need an electrician to come help us sort out the power: the previous owner had some way to plug the generator into the house, but it couldn't manage all the circuits. Then the solar panels and the interconnection to the grid was set up. What i would love to knoe is how we could power the pump or HVAC or fridge with the generator. The fridge at least i could theoretically get to the plug, and then plug that into an extension cord (for some hurricane driven outage when the heat and humidity is punishing). But there's a pretty big fridge outside right now.

Today i have been still and dull.

Gas engines frustrate me so. Once upon a time, i resolved i would learn how to maintain and manage them, then our car was stolen and we used the insurance to buy our first computer. I feel so careless of the engines i am responsible for. But the meta-care is more bandwidth than i manage. I want the tools to use to care for the property; why do the tools need so much care.

So i watch an interactive weather map: wind, temperature, radar -- watch the warm, wet air from the gulf be pulled up in a thin wedge, the temp gradient at the front so dramatic.

Then there was the news out of Minneapolis of the shooting, execution of Alex Pretti, and - there is no justification. There was no justification for shooting Renee Good. And there are others who have been shot, and people suffering in custody, and it is all so wrong.

I have nothing eloquent to say, just to recognize how the harm Trump causes is to the whole world, people and the environment, to systems of law and commerce and science. There's been no reported ICE activity in my county (other than someone being picked up at their parole office visit). I wonder if the conservative politics of the western part of that county shielded the Hispanic community there when the Triangle was targeted.

Here, https://bionicandthewires.com/ . Listen to mushrooms play synthesizers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbP2DgDp890

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news (work)

2026-01-23T23:27:01Z

NOT traveling this weekend; work meeting moved to next week.

Major relief.

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(weather, therapy notes)

2026-01-21T00:59:06Z

So weather is forecast this weekend, and by weather i mean DOOM SNOW for North Carolina. Because 3 inches is end of world, what is 12 inches? And then an inch of winter mix on top?

So i'm looking at the weather and my Sunday evening flight out of RDU through Charlotte and i'm just certain, that ain't gonna work. And i'm just dreading the chaos. (And then i begin thinking of Christine and her surgery recovery and snow and....) So, as i churn, i asked my colleague if he could change the schedule so Monday isn't so important for my presence. It turns out there's something called a weather waiver where airlines give you a chance to reschedule your travel instead of waiting for your flight to be delayed. I figured i would have to wait until Thursday before there would be a chance to change.

But no. I got the email this afternoon that my flight would be impacted. I've rescheduled for a midday Monday departure, a long layover in Chicago O'Hare/Orchard Field, then on to Columbus landing at 7 pm. That is far more relaxed.

So, tomorrow is grocery day, and i think we need a dump run so i can do that lifting, and then i need to wrap the well with heating tape (the next days are sub freezing and i just want to make sure things are prepared for Christine on the off chance the pump freezes). Oh, we need to keep the water filtration system from freezing too. And i guess moving the generator and trying to start it..... And check the weight of the salt to make sure it's in a range she can lift.

--== ∞ ==--

I'm a little drained from therapy. I'm realizing i didn't have any reassurance, "Don't worry, it will be OK" growing up and i need to hear that from my inner mother more. I lean a lot on my faith: believing that i only see a small part of all the things and i might not ever see t that i am helping the world be better place. But there's something different about the "Am i doing it right?" i constantly feel with respect to ... everything. And maybe giving myself reassurance more will help.

And this snow event and travel: 100% waves of am i doing it right, how do i make sure it's going to be OK, ....

--== ∞ ==--

Waffles with yarden blueberries for dinner! Maybe not weight wise, but yum.

    If you’re traveling to / through / from:

Albuquerque, New Mexico (ABQ)
Asheville, North Carolina (AVL)
Atlanta, Georgia (ATL)
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Springfield / Branson, Missouri (SGF)
Tulsa, Oklahoma (TUL)
Washington Reagan, Washington D.C. (DCA)
Wilmington, North Carolina (ILM)

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(morning writing)

2026-01-19T15:34:18Z

Bleep Marlowe. She attacked my ankle -- just a few stinging claw punctures -- as i went over to the cat barrier where she'd confronted Bruno. I hope he learned that the barrier protects him. Ugh.

I am so easily distracted.

I feel a little guilty having today off work and nothing more than "try and get myself moving" as the order of the day. Plus tomorrows walk out protest and my conflict in attending (because work, which is whole point, i get it). Plus [deleting incomplete list and replacing with] all the other distressing issues with the slide to fascist government in the US.

Time passes

I have attended the Pendle Hill hybrid worship. There was a moment of clarity for me: a sense that released the guilt, a wave of grace, a sense that it is right to engage in zest in living. Not much more clarity than to turn my attention to my usual forward.

And then looking at the temps for Ohio as my travel dates begin to show up in the ten-day forecast: yikes. So far a high of 21°F and a low of 8°F. More concerning is the snow event on the day i need to get to the airport. I know better than to trust the call for 7" of .. snow? But....

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