elainegrey

My week off, part 1 (f&f, dad, observe, garden, preservation, road trip)

2024-08-12T10:39:34Z

3 -11 August my week off by the numbers:

Reread five novels and two novellas from the Miles Vorkosigan series from Lois McMaster Bujold.

We had three power outages, but i was away for the Thursday morning one.

2024-08-03 Sat 16:44 - 19:14 "caused by fallen trees or limbs damaging our equipment."
2024-08-08 Thur 06:55 - 09:04 (During Debby) "was caused by fallen trees or limbs damaging our equipment."
2024-08-09 Fri 06:50 - 08:38 (During Debby) "was caused by fallen trees or limbs damaging our equipment."

6.01 inches of rain (recorded 9:45 am Sat .97+.68+.99+.86+1.0+.77+.74 mostly clear, sun just coming over the trees)

15.58 ft height of Haw River at Bynum 2024-08-09 09:45

Gathering of twelve family members to inurn my mother at Arlington National Cemetery on Wednesday

Dinner on Wednesday and a visit to the National Cathedral on Thursday with ten family members

Lunch at a Richmond deli with six family members.

Around ten hours of I95 and I85 travel.

Eleven pounds of apples, at least two pounds of figs, 20 plus figs in organza bags on the tree, and lots of fruitfly and wasp infested figs to deal with. (Yay, the green organza bags don't stand out. Um, oops, i am now hiding the figs from me, too.)

Three 12 oz jars sealed of spiced apples in syrup, two failed seals, one quart i didn't even try to seal.

One sealed quart spiced pickled apples. Around three cups leftover sweet spiced vinegar brine.

One quart fermenting mixed fruit for vinegar. One quart apple cores with champagne yeast fermenting for vinegar. Third quart jar collecting apples cores and really ripe figs, with champagne yeast, to make more vinegar.

Four spice packs, a gift for Christine, two floor mats, a steam canner, and an electronic posture monitor ordered.

--== ∞ ==-- My week off so i could join with family in DC to inurn my mother's ashes at Arlington Cemetery is about up. It was a week well marked by Hurricane/Storm/Depression Debby. Tuesday morning i bought and installed-ish a sewer pipe to get one drain spout that is on the uphill side of the house routed around to the side. I hacked through one large root with my mattock in the rain -- i'm pretty sure this root is associated with the sweet gum stump that, years after cutting down the good sized tree, still isn't dead. (I also cut back all the saplings that had shot up from the stump.) There are more roots, these from the black cherry, that are in the way of a properly graded drainage, but it's better than the shorter run of downspout extender i installed back there many years ago, since crushed.

Wednesday i arrived at my Dad's at 6 am and rode with him to DC. My sister's family passed us at the Virginia border, we passed them when they took a long break, and we arrived within minutes of each other to my brother's hotel in Roslynn, the area just north of the cemetery. Christine and my niece S. were absent - all Mom's other children and grandchildren were present. S was recovering from covid, and C was absent to care for the pets -- and so i could focus on Dad.

After an hour or so of catching up, we went to Arlington and met up with my aunt and her husband. The chaplain and "Arlington Lady" were warm with and caring of my Dad as we waited in the blessedly air conditioned "family room". We processed to the site, sat under an awning and heard the chaplain memorialize mom from the obituary i had ensured was tribute to her, and then we placed the urn and flowers where it is going to be buried among the forest of white markers. The Washington Monument and National

While the clouds from Debby were threatening, we managed to stay clear of rain. My sister got a wonderful photo of the urn, flowers, field of gravestones, and the grey storm clouds.

My aunt and her husband had just flown up for the inurnment so we took them back to the airport, and then continued south (with my brother N) to the suburb where Dad had got a hotel room for us and where we were gathering at Maggianos, a chain Italian restaurant. It's the same chain at which we hosted my parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary. We sat in the lobby a bit as Dad and N recovered over coffee, then went to the restaurant bar and hung out there for a while. Eventually, my sister's family and my brother's wife and sons arrived and we had a lovely meal. I sat with the three grandsons and had a lovely conversation about the kit they use for their hobbies (music, fishing, soccer) and the various quality vs cost dimensions.

Back at the hotel Dad fell asleep quickly and i went to the lobby with my phone plus monitor & keyboard kit. It was nice to see full screen websites for weather and power outages; i didn't catch up much before playing two games of Gin Rummy with Christine via cardgames.io . Then i was tired and ready to sleep.

The next morning Christine let me know our home was without power. Dad and i had a hotel breakfast then headed to the National Cathedral. It was a place that Mom loved to visit, and Laura had planned to go, weeks ago. Since everyone had their own hotel breakfast, ...

--== ∞ ==--

and i'll just post now, since i've been working on this for a good long while.

--== ∞ ==--

The first weekend and Monday were restful -- i read novels and we had a friend over.

Yesterday i picked eleven pounds of the tiny green apples from the front apple tree. Before i left, i'd collected a pile that had fallen from the tree. Those i placed where i thought critters would easily find them. Harvesting on Saturday morning was miserable with the high humidity, even before the sun began to steam up the day. I was using a harvesting basket on a twelve foot pole -- it wasn't hard work -- but i and my clothes were sodden because it was 96% humidity. That's not rain: it was mostly a clear blue sky. Ugh. I think most are ripe and the balance of underripe apples will just add tartness.

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(f&f, dad, work, therapy notes, health)

2023-11-11T18:52:54Z

Wednesday: Therapy. Assignment is to schedule a pleasurable activity every day, something that can be used as a reward or incentive. Fifteen minutes seemed like the minimum duration. It's a little longer than i really want for a sort of "Spend an hour on the project management work and then you can do X" type reward. I spend so much time in this edge space of doing things that are a pleasure but also good for me, like reading your journals and writing my own. This is my social interactions, i can't not do it. I don't want to say this is contingent on something else. But it's also a pleasure (except for the part where i want to write a comment and don't know what to say, or when feel i need to reply to *your* kind comments and it's hard to think of the words with which to interact).

I explained my breathing misery and my plan to see if i could get into a specialist: it turns out the clinic needs a referral. And then i was explaining how hard it is to see my primary care, but i'd put in a request for a referral. The land line rang from my doctor's office with the option of a 7:45 am appointment on Friday (telepresence was OK!).

Thursday: After work i spent 15 min petting Edward, which he pretty much appreciated. I will admit to looking at my watch. I think i needed more distraction right after work than that, because my mind went to some work questions i needed to tease apart.

I also spent two hours hanging out and talking with the team about what we were committed to doing, various technical design issues, trying to help them organize releases. It was a bit draining to be on. I recognize i say extreme things ("Feel free to tell me i'm stupid") that stem from my discomfort in talking. It's not helpful. I need to find a way to be more grounded as we go forward with me being more active with them day to day.

Friday: Visit went well with primary care, on the same page. He sent me for an x-ray (negative), and will be making a referral. I am fuzzy about how magically the referral will work: i will send questions about next steps Monday evening if no other information appears.

At lunch i found myself in tears over my overwhelmend feelings with respect to facing holiday planning.

Another change at work: i'll be attending standup. It's been so long: i feel some stress about the visibility and the hyperawareness this will trigger for me about my effectiveness. Another place where i will need to be more grounded.

My after work reward/incentive was to read one of our many art books, Clifford Ross: Landscape Seen & Imagined. This was better in that my mind could have other things to hold onto, and i did not look at my watch.

Last night & this morning: read a novel, then stalled. Novels are hard for me to use as an incentive because i don't stop. It the complete binge that happens and then the fact i did not intend to spend all my time reading but needed to do other things that

Just had a trigger to my overwhelmend feelings with respect to not being outside and my stalled sense. Frustrated at the planning fail for my brother's visit. Dad wants us to be together tomorrow, didn't realize my brother will also be here Monday and that i have taken time off work for it. All very nebulous..... and sister L called, we've come up with a visit schedule, and [insert trenchant observation about who does the labor of coordinating schedules here].

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(dad, road trip, work, new director, health)

2023-11-08T02:11:06Z

Monday: Dad called to confirm he could go on my eclipse trip with me. It was such a relief to have him commit. I was feeling increasingly aware of his self-centered conversation style: he never asks more than "how are you" at the beginning of a call and assumes that you would launch into something if you wanted to share. Both my sister and i have tried to draw attention to it, and the decades of my mother's anger with him can be partly explained by this behavior. (She had her own communication issues, which certainly didn't help either of them to ever grow away from the rut of arguments.) I pointed it out to him at the end of the call on Monday, in a clear unemotional way. It was after i had launched in and talked over him to share how sick i'd been, so the advice to remember that simply asking how someone is at the beginning of a call, getting "fine" and then launching in to your own ask had an indirect context without being accusatory. He thanked me -- which is nice, but nicer would be seeing some follow up effort. Which -- he does try. One call he said, "i asked you how you are, how is Christine?" so an awareness to ask after others, but since my "fine" was followed by coughing while talking -- piffle. I passive aggressively said Christine was fine, too. I think this was after he had snapped at me for beginning to explain how he would solve his technical problem while he was driving. I was mad.

Anyhow, feeling better about that.

Meeting with ExecDir J went well. He'd been told i'd rather die than manage so, yeah, i confirmed that -- and also let him know i had already reached out to the team to provide support. I think he got the message i am willing to help and make sure the team feels supported.

Today, this evening: prednisone has not yet knocked the cough out. I was feeling somewhat disenheartened -- my primary care provider is so hard to get into. So, i decided to see about whether there is a pulmonologist i could try and see. Lo! UNC Health Care has an asthma clinic in my small town. Well, i'll call them in the morning and try to get an appointment as soon as i can.

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(health, f&f, dad, work, new director, adhd)

2023-11-03T11:39:04Z

This past week

Saturday: a chat with Dad as he's driving off to play poker at the American Legion. Background: He's been seeing the same person for almost a year, she's introduced him to all her friends and family members. He doesn't know "where things are with her". I think, she's in the bleeping twenty-first century Dad and you are in the 1940s. "She's in a relationship with you, you 'have' her," i tell him. Does he really need her to wear a ring to signify that she's (cough, cough) "his"? During this call he says he's thought about it and yeah, it's probably true. (I've not met the woman, my sister has only glanced at her. My brother did get to have lunch with her.)

Sunday: lovely, mad at Dad because he was rude when he called for tech support and i started explaining the fix and he cut me off. Also stressing about Monday.

Monday: long hard workday using up all my focus on tiny details and stay on task energy for the week (exec function)

Tuesday: Because i understand what i used up on Monday, i can watch myself and how it impacted on Tuesday. I also know Tuesday's work schedule will not need much of that capacity, so it all works out.

Tuesday: another colleague announces departure. For keeping score

* 2022 Spring New Exec Dir T hired
* beginning 2023 Exec Dir T moves to another division
* March 2023 New Exec Dir J hired
* June 2023 my manager goes to T's division
* Early Oct Director for the teams i work with goes to very different company - he's been passed over for the exec dir twice.
* Mid Oct Principal Engineer for the team i work most closely with (eg the leader for the team in engineering) goes to T's division
* Oct 31 Manager for the team i work most closely with goes to the same very different company

The team i work most closely with is probably shell shocked. I've reached out to them and said, i would help, how do they want me to support them on their support job? And feel free to ask me about anything they would have their manager, i have managed before.

Exec Dir J wants to talk to me about the team. I'm am trying to figure out how to be very clear. No, i do not want to be a manager, and i cannot provide the benefit to the organization that i do now if i try to also do that job.

Tuesday: provided Dad tech support. Still mad. He knows how to ask people about themselves, he does it with strangers etc. He doesn't know how to do it with his daughters.

Wednesday: I dress in a good mood. Look at me, putting on colorful hair extensions just because they will look good with the sweater, and earrings, and necklace! By end of day, feeling dreadful. Headaches. Asthma flare really bad. My sister is back home from a road trip with her family, i call and we rant about Dad. She shares his boorish behavior over the past week. I share a little about work situation. We plan to get together the next morning. Feeling even worse after grocery trip. Possible it's hair extensions pulling + asthma + a lunch of full grain barley and cabbage?

Thursday: Meet up with sis at co-op for breakfast and herbal tea. Talk about her trip, a little more about my work. Bought buckwheat and water for health equipment and other impulse buys. Home, spent a few hours reflecting on the future and came up with guiding statements that sort of say where i want to be in the next decade, and some more questions to think about. Back to work after lunch.

I'm actually peopling this week, having some social (and quasi social) zooms. Which is novel-ish. A sign my depression is fading! On the other hand, i'm leaning into "asthma flare so i can't" a lot. I tried reading about asthma advice and i can't tell if i am recalcitrant or if i should really get checked for COPD. I really don't feel like exercising or doing things that require exertion. You should exercise, says the asthma advice, but all the advice seems to be for people with regular asthma. Not "i've been coughing for a month."

I'll try to get in a walk down the hill today.

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(f&f, quaker notes, depression, adhd, dad)

2023-02-20T18:18:14Z

I pulled out of that work depression, focused on communicating "I am over committed: this is what i can do," which STILL over committed me, but maybe this week will be more focused.

This coming work week is intense.

The past four days have been an online gathering of queer American (mainly) Quakers. The connection has been good, although i remain clear that i am not called to return to a community at this time. The worship sharing today had a question about relationships and resources. It made me think about ADHD and friendships, and how i feel when i read content like https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-make-friends-when-you-have-adhd-20402 On one hand i recognize myself, on the other hand -- not really helpful. Another person who has been friend-diagnosed as having ADHD, spoke and so much of what he said resonated with me. It wasn't a hopeful resonance but shared frustration.

I've spent other times reflecting on the questions that have circled around here: how to ask for help, how to ask for needs. I made a little progress thinking about what i want from Dad. I am imagining making him a 3x5 card on it with questions he can ask me.

I've gardened in the gaps. Potatoes are delivered today at the local farm store, i can pick mine up tomorrow (when i am back to work). I am trying to have a bed ready for them in the island circle, which is guarded against deer but not rabbits, and has some very rich, loamy soil because of wood chips through the ages. It also has lots of gravel, because of rerouting the driveway.

Earlier in the long weekend i planted the edible perennials i bought. It might not be shady enough for the ostrich fern: we'll see. Also, the very inexpensive plants ... well, the ostrich ferns seemed ... hardly plausible. Hopefully the two nicest root systems will make it. Maybe i will be surprised. The solomon's seal had nice sprouts, so those look likely to make it.

I've got a bunch of old pea seed and fava beans planted. I didn't take time to soak the seed. I found one last old packet of pea seed -- i can plant those if the planted ones don't sprout. I'm just as interested in what the peas might do for the soil as eating peas. I never

I have planted Green Mountain Potato Onions that were languishing in my cabinet. I apparently bought 3 in 2020. It's possible i harvested them in 2021, but i suspect it was 2022. They all seemed viable so i planted them all, a nice multiplication from the original 3. This year, i hope i will actually *use* many of them.

I have done a pretty good job rescuing (that is weeding) beds in the garden. Three beds remain needing significant attention, although all of them are beds where some self seeding may have happened. I just remembered the wireworms -- and that was part of the reason for moving the potatoes to the center of the drive, but i just put onions in the middle of wireworm central. Oy. I will have time to get the nematodes in once i get back from my work travel.

I hope to get some more seeds in to the beds i cleared today.

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Fie (coe, trans, quaker notes, advocacy, depression, work, dad)

2023-02-13T22:27:14Z

Work depression. Well, maybe it's not work. I just didn't get anything done but opening browser tabs.

I have some heavy ally work to do and i am not looking forward to it. Someone i know from twenty years ago popped up as a registrant at the virtual retreat for a Quaker queer community. They suggested they wanted an interest group to talk about the challenge of using "they" as a pronoun for a single person. This promptly raised alarms with other planning committee folks: people who are challenged by every time they are misgendered or dead named or all the other signals that respecting a person as they present themselves has less priority than making an attempt to remember a change.

I wrote, underscoring this community would focus more on the challenge of not being respected and would ask for her to rise to the challenge of using people's pronouns as they request. I offered to talk, and lo, the offer has been accepted.

"...for me, it is a serious communication impediment to use plural words for single people. I fear that this 'requirement' causes a wide-spread barrier for trans and similar people who yearn to be better accepted into the dominant culture."

Having watched people be challenged by calling Christine by her name or her correct pronouns for, eh, twenty years now i really don't think that using "they" in a singular sense is the important barrier.

And i am not entirely sure accepted *INTO* the dominant culture is exactly what the people i know want.

I remembered that George Fox had some pronoun rant that lead to Quaker's plain speech. I found that his explicit complaint (well, that part that was excerpted in someone's article) about the formal "you" was not the formality of it - the rank and class part - it was that "you" was a plural pronoun, not a singular. My correspondent did use "you" in the email to me, but i don't think that's where i should go.

I think my correspondent is probably honest that using "they" (for their grandchild) is a challenge for them. I think i will focus on their challenge, and not be dragged into quibbles over the use of "they" in the singular context -- plenty of grammar scholars willing to point out the hundreds of years of precedent, and plenty of style guides advise "just give up on 'he or she' and say 'they'." And i don't think i am going to be dragged into telling women that wearing pants is inappropriate and makes it harder to ... wait, no... telling Blacks that having natural hair is ... wait, no... No, i'm not going to discuss whether it's appropriate to tell people that they are asking for respect wrong. I think if i sit with my focus on their personal challenge, i can not redirect red hot rage at them when they derail.

Dad called and i spent an half hour with him playing therapist. He does have a therapist now, yay. I don't know how to ask for what i want, and i suspect he can't give it. I do feel he always calls for help, though, and never to give.

OK, my condition of enoughness is getting trees planted. And maybe getting tools in out of the weather.

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