elainegrey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
elainegrey) wrote2010-03-26 06:45 am
elainegrey) wrote2010-03-26 06:45 am
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Yesterday i called a friend (JH) as i drove home who'd been on my and off and on for a bit. It was good to just chat and hear where she was. We talked a little bit about saying yes and no to requests, and she commented on how much i do for people.
It's hard for me to hear that, oddly, even as i recognize that conscious care for others (while putting my oxygen mask on first) is a value, a goal of mine. Part of my difficulty is due to the dysfunction of my mother: how she cares for others is a great deal of doing and making. Part of it is the messages i got as i grew up, messages i know are inaccurate, but stick with me nonetheless.
To talk about yeses and nos was a gift from JH to me (Thanks, if you're reading!) In my personal email that i was just able to get to as i drove home was one message from a meeting member working on the issue of the US's dependency on torture and cruel incarceration (read about the conditions of ICE facilities, this article just a random pick from google news). I had tried to put her off gently earlier -- that morning? I care, but i care about too much: this is not my calling. But wouldn't i be involved? Christine and i agree, no - no - no - no. Too much on my plate. I am making sure i have access to oxygen by saying no.
I'm feeling oddly lonely, and i think it's the seeming quiet of LJ. I can't tell if the seeming quiet is truly quiet or not. The temptation to go through my friends list and compare posting frequency now against last year against a couple years ago is tempting. There was always the awareness that the camaraderie could be an illusion: as a rare commenter and someone who rarely got comments, i never really knew if the folks whose entries i read and attended to were similarly holding me with similar regard. I've tried following some of the practices i saw others using, and i feel a little more clear about how likely it is that i'm heard.
The city sidewalk rush of Facebook is no match to the connections i felt in the salons of LJ-land.
Care Check-In
Some of the mental state and pacing tools seem impossible to use. Yesterday evening what i was mainly aware of was my clinched jaw. I tried using genealogy research to distract me, but it was not sufficient. I'm trying to sum up the good things to not focus on the sense of being stuck.
√ care for physical health - supplements, treatments, adaptions (1): Mostly on track and got more evening primrose oil to see if the psoriasis on my wrists declines with that back in the system.
√ exercise or "work break walk" daily (1,4): And squats in the evening, too. Not perfect, but more.
√ ruthlessly delete cruft (1,4,6): I am definitely giving this a go, even if it is in small ways. I am drinking my way through miscellaneous teas -- mostly gift teas and teas Christine picked out on a whim.
It's hard for me to hear that, oddly, even as i recognize that conscious care for others (while putting my oxygen mask on first) is a value, a goal of mine. Part of my difficulty is due to the dysfunction of my mother: how she cares for others is a great deal of doing and making. Part of it is the messages i got as i grew up, messages i know are inaccurate, but stick with me nonetheless.
To talk about yeses and nos was a gift from JH to me (Thanks, if you're reading!) In my personal email that i was just able to get to as i drove home was one message from a meeting member working on the issue of the US's dependency on torture and cruel incarceration (read about the conditions of ICE facilities, this article just a random pick from google news). I had tried to put her off gently earlier -- that morning? I care, but i care about too much: this is not my calling. But wouldn't i be involved? Christine and i agree, no - no - no - no. Too much on my plate. I am making sure i have access to oxygen by saying no.
I'm feeling oddly lonely, and i think it's the seeming quiet of LJ. I can't tell if the seeming quiet is truly quiet or not. The temptation to go through my friends list and compare posting frequency now against last year against a couple years ago is tempting. There was always the awareness that the camaraderie could be an illusion: as a rare commenter and someone who rarely got comments, i never really knew if the folks whose entries i read and attended to were similarly holding me with similar regard. I've tried following some of the practices i saw others using, and i feel a little more clear about how likely it is that i'm heard.
The city sidewalk rush of Facebook is no match to the connections i felt in the salons of LJ-land.
Care Check-In
Some of the mental state and pacing tools seem impossible to use. Yesterday evening what i was mainly aware of was my clinched jaw. I tried using genealogy research to distract me, but it was not sufficient. I'm trying to sum up the good things to not focus on the sense of being stuck.
√ care for physical health - supplements, treatments, adaptions (1): Mostly on track and got more evening primrose oil to see if the psoriasis on my wrists declines with that back in the system.
√ exercise or "work break walk" daily (1,4): And squats in the evening, too. Not perfect, but more.
√ ruthlessly delete cruft (1,4,6): I am definitely giving this a go, even if it is in small ways. I am drinking my way through miscellaneous teas -- mostly gift teas and teas Christine picked out on a whim.