elainegrey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
elainegrey) wrote2009-06-08 06:31 am
elainegrey) wrote2009-06-08 06:31 am
Entry tags:
Retreat Review
I just tried to craft a 140 character post describe this weekend for the world: family, other members of meeting, work colleagues. What i really want to do is whine about why do folks seem to think you're supposed to come back rested from these things? FEH. I'd do it again, but it was awfully intense for me. I think back to the somatic experiencing lessons i learned and i feel that the rhythm of some of the sessions had me staying in the deep, intense, feeling space too long.
I struggle with feelings of being Bro-ken, a word i hear in my head in a sing-song taunting voice, as i struggle not to flee the games that are supposed to warm people up and break the ice. The implicit "you should enjoy this" and being in close proximity to a woman who seems to be a professional extrovert, a storyteller who loves games, who believes in Play! gnawed at my sense of security in my own way of being. (SF was the convener of the worship group, the small group where we answer Queries out of silent worship.) My mind wanders as i ponder Open Space model, an un-retreat: how different would it be? I think the simultaneous immersion in social vulnerability and emotion space is the main thing that drains me. I realize that by thinking of an un-retreat, my mind changed to a speculative more intellectual space, a comfortable retreat from recognizing how vulnerable i felt much of the weekend when i was with people.
I imagine being open and closed something like a tidal rhythm, but it's not just open and closed, but something more subtle -- there's being open to other's deep sharing and open to your own deep sharing. One of the sessions was about sharing anger, grief, emptiness, and fear. Hearing each person speak from the depth of that emotion was very powerful. There was both a touching one's own feeling and being open and receiving all the other feelings. I think that i probably brought more depth and openness to the concentric circle story telling, where one faced another, shared a prompted story, listened to the other share their story, and then moved on to another pair. The need to be grounded and connected was challenged by the noise of all the other sharing, the short time, the "now everyone in the inner circle move two chairs to the right." Maybe other folks don't open up as much as i do in that process? Maybe they keep it light? I'm not sure how to throttle in this situation: the sharing and face to face call for one level of connection but the rest of the context calls for another and i have a hard time keeping it light.
I value my intensity but i'm not sure how to shift it down in a context like that.
I did keep from sharing in a few of the activities: one had us take three paper disks of decreasing size and rank how we spend our time. My ranking was reading & writing, interacting with people, and making things. Other folks had "work" and "family" and similar. Then we were to label a second set of disks with three things that refresh us. Mine were making & nurturing things, reading & writing, and walking. Listening to others share, i just didn't feel like lifting up my different taxonomy. It might have been a good gift to share, but i was tired. So i honored my weariness and stayed quiet.
Honestly, i think we could have stood some more intellectual taxonomy discussions: what's the difference between worries and concerns? How does despair relate to the emptiness, grief, fear, and anger? Should pain have been in that group?
And i watch myself here, moving back and forth between my raw vulnerabilities, my guilt at not finding this "retreat" the bestest thing ever, my grief that i feel different, my frustration with the personal energy cost of the retreat* -- and then an intellectual mode. Something missing in my morning's micro-tides that i learned in the somatic experiencing sessions is the looking up and around action: moving my attention outward into the present moment. So i listen now to the birds, a low bass hum of a massive truck passing on the highway.
* I may be approaching a nadir in my monthly cycle too, so cause and effect are hard to tease out.
I struggle with feelings of being Bro-ken, a word i hear in my head in a sing-song taunting voice, as i struggle not to flee the games that are supposed to warm people up and break the ice. The implicit "you should enjoy this" and being in close proximity to a woman who seems to be a professional extrovert, a storyteller who loves games, who believes in Play! gnawed at my sense of security in my own way of being. (SF was the convener of the worship group, the small group where we answer Queries out of silent worship.) My mind wanders as i ponder Open Space model, an un-retreat: how different would it be? I think the simultaneous immersion in social vulnerability and emotion space is the main thing that drains me. I realize that by thinking of an un-retreat, my mind changed to a speculative more intellectual space, a comfortable retreat from recognizing how vulnerable i felt much of the weekend when i was with people.
I imagine being open and closed something like a tidal rhythm, but it's not just open and closed, but something more subtle -- there's being open to other's deep sharing and open to your own deep sharing. One of the sessions was about sharing anger, grief, emptiness, and fear. Hearing each person speak from the depth of that emotion was very powerful. There was both a touching one's own feeling and being open and receiving all the other feelings. I think that i probably brought more depth and openness to the concentric circle story telling, where one faced another, shared a prompted story, listened to the other share their story, and then moved on to another pair. The need to be grounded and connected was challenged by the noise of all the other sharing, the short time, the "now everyone in the inner circle move two chairs to the right." Maybe other folks don't open up as much as i do in that process? Maybe they keep it light? I'm not sure how to throttle in this situation: the sharing and face to face call for one level of connection but the rest of the context calls for another and i have a hard time keeping it light.
I value my intensity but i'm not sure how to shift it down in a context like that.
I did keep from sharing in a few of the activities: one had us take three paper disks of decreasing size and rank how we spend our time. My ranking was reading & writing, interacting with people, and making things. Other folks had "work" and "family" and similar. Then we were to label a second set of disks with three things that refresh us. Mine were making & nurturing things, reading & writing, and walking. Listening to others share, i just didn't feel like lifting up my different taxonomy. It might have been a good gift to share, but i was tired. So i honored my weariness and stayed quiet.
Honestly, i think we could have stood some more intellectual taxonomy discussions: what's the difference between worries and concerns? How does despair relate to the emptiness, grief, fear, and anger? Should pain have been in that group?
And i watch myself here, moving back and forth between my raw vulnerabilities, my guilt at not finding this "retreat" the bestest thing ever, my grief that i feel different, my frustration with the personal energy cost of the retreat* -- and then an intellectual mode. Something missing in my morning's micro-tides that i learned in the somatic experiencing sessions is the looking up and around action: moving my attention outward into the present moment. So i listen now to the birds, a low bass hum of a massive truck passing on the highway.
* I may be approaching a nadir in my monthly cycle too, so cause and effect are hard to tease out.