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I am impressed with how inadequate i felt before the working group meeting i was chairing, and how relieved i am after. Even though the inadequacy is with a different project.
Huh.
Huh.
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I "compacted" some mail folders yesterday and my computer seems to have new life breathed into it. Hmm. I know the slowness of the machine has been frustrating: i wonder how much more ease i'll feel if this tool is easier?
I'm still going to ask Christine to get memory added to it while i'm in Ohio.
--==∞==--
My anxiety has been on my mind: why am i anxious? ( self therapy )
I so needed this long weekend. I should probably just go ahead and plan to take time off at Christmas just to rest.
I've taken this lowest stress moment to look at what i need to do this week and try and line up my plans. If i get my work Conditions of Enoughness done today, i should be OK for the week.
--==∞==--
Christine says, "Hello, future Blondie," to the me who reads this in the future.
--==∞==--
Yesterday i was terribly blue. A friend at meeting asked how i was doing as i cried through the first half and i shared that it was simply depression. I managed not to cry through the second half of meeting by having a very concrete grounding meditation. Just as i have other times i have clerked Meeting for Worship, i focussed on a plowing metaphor, thinking of preparing the ground. Yesterday, i was very conscious of my feet in the soil, imagining the texture of clods of clay and sandy soils and humus-filled soils. (Meditation gardens need not be in rational landscapes.)
Christine took care of me in the afternoon: we got laundry done. I took a long soak and read a Terry Prachett book and then we watched two series episodes together. I didn't get in the exercise i'd managed to get the rest of the holiday. And maybe the escape of the evening is what i needed to break the hold of the blues.
This morning i'm mostly aware of the sense of putting on my armor, girding myself to go back into the whirl of email and meetings and so on. I tear up as i think that. My body therapist offered me strong affirmations about how strong i am, how i can cope and focus and manage.
Part of myself screams out how unfair it is, but then part of me has to acknowledge that this shouldering of the harness is something humans have been doing for millennia. That doesn't make it more right, but it does remind me that this is nothing special. (I reflect on my father's reflection that "At least we're not face down in a rice paddy" -- a glimpse into his mixed feelings about not being called to serve in Viet Nam as he had served earlier.) And i can, and do, put the harness down. I'm not my mother, who doesn't seem to know how to stop or relax. As harnesses go, it's not so bad. We are working to create work environments where the clock doesn't drive the harness, but meaning and value drives the harness.
So, off i go.
I hope you find meaning and value in your day, that if you harness up, it is done with respect, and that joy surprises you and lightens your burdens.
I'm still going to ask Christine to get memory added to it while i'm in Ohio.
--==∞==--
My anxiety has been on my mind: why am i anxious? ( self therapy )
I so needed this long weekend. I should probably just go ahead and plan to take time off at Christmas just to rest.
I've taken this lowest stress moment to look at what i need to do this week and try and line up my plans. If i get my work Conditions of Enoughness done today, i should be OK for the week.
--==∞==--
Christine says, "Hello, future Blondie," to the me who reads this in the future.
--==∞==--
Yesterday i was terribly blue. A friend at meeting asked how i was doing as i cried through the first half and i shared that it was simply depression. I managed not to cry through the second half of meeting by having a very concrete grounding meditation. Just as i have other times i have clerked Meeting for Worship, i focussed on a plowing metaphor, thinking of preparing the ground. Yesterday, i was very conscious of my feet in the soil, imagining the texture of clods of clay and sandy soils and humus-filled soils. (Meditation gardens need not be in rational landscapes.)
Christine took care of me in the afternoon: we got laundry done. I took a long soak and read a Terry Prachett book and then we watched two series episodes together. I didn't get in the exercise i'd managed to get the rest of the holiday. And maybe the escape of the evening is what i needed to break the hold of the blues.
This morning i'm mostly aware of the sense of putting on my armor, girding myself to go back into the whirl of email and meetings and so on. I tear up as i think that. My body therapist offered me strong affirmations about how strong i am, how i can cope and focus and manage.
Part of myself screams out how unfair it is, but then part of me has to acknowledge that this shouldering of the harness is something humans have been doing for millennia. That doesn't make it more right, but it does remind me that this is nothing special. (I reflect on my father's reflection that "At least we're not face down in a rice paddy" -- a glimpse into his mixed feelings about not being called to serve in Viet Nam as he had served earlier.) And i can, and do, put the harness down. I'm not my mother, who doesn't seem to know how to stop or relax. As harnesses go, it's not so bad. We are working to create work environments where the clock doesn't drive the harness, but meaning and value drives the harness.
So, off i go.
I hope you find meaning and value in your day, that if you harness up, it is done with respect, and that joy surprises you and lightens your burdens.
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joedecker has written about the invasive, punishing patdowns being done to travelers who refuse the invasive backscatter scanners. With Christine traveling, i'm worried, and this morning the worry has gotten out of hand. I wish i could trust that TSA would be well educated about the varieties of bodies and would be able to treat everyone with dignity and preserve their privacy, but ... exhale. Worry.Christine writes, "I'm glad to know about these possibilities, but I'm not going to fear or worry about them. I am OK with who I am before and after surgery.... I am real. Deal with it!"
I hate to think how worked up i had apparently gotten. I think i've always wanted to protect Christine from folk who might not treat her with dignity, and i forget how strong a person she is.
--==∞==--
Meanwhile, i am developing a wish list of "nice to haves" that surprises me. I want a Saris Bones 805 2-Bike Trunk Mount Rack, a Xootr Mg, and Freedom Pro Bluetooth Keyboard. The temptation to just order it all sits there, an unfamiliar companion. Usually if somethings over $20 i hem and haw over ordering it until a long digestion takes place. But i really miss the bike rack, and who knows, maybe a bike rack would make commuting by bike more appealing (in that it would be easier for Christine to rescue me if she had the car). Right now i have a mental stop about commuting by bike, and that's why i want the Xooter. And i suck at typing on my phone, and that's why i want the keyboard.
I suppose January 1 and the change in my commute options is fast approaching.
--==∞==--
I really don't want to eat the last of my sardine pie. I'm not quite sure what is such a turn off. I think the great big beef steak tomatoes really aren't that delectable cooked, and there's something harsh about the onion. The sardines are, surprisingly to me, not the concern.
( day notes in possibly tedious detail )
I tried watching The Fountainhead (Gary Cooper as Howard Roark), but i was apparently far more tolerant of wooden dialogue when i was a teen than i am now. I had a brief fling as an Ayn Rand fan as a senior in high school. Youthful indiscretion, i'd claim now. I gave up when Dominique appears at the quarry, knowing i couldn't stand to see the bizzarre presentation of the romantic relationship begin.
Then i tried watching Constantine, which i think i had seen before. Sigh. Not really what i wanted. I was back in Portwynn for Doc Martin for a little more of the evening.
I did up a toe and had it shaped wrong, frogged it, and did up the toe again.
Now to get off to work.
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I wound myself up with far to much stress yesterday. I managed to face a few things i was worried about, but i've built the quarterly report into a monster. I think, though, that a great deal of yesterday's hyperstress was hormonal, and that i should be able to face things on Monday (or earlier). I left work early to go to the dentist, and despite a few hours left in the day, didn't return after. It seemed more honest to plead sick.
I have decided, after much wondering whether i should go to a dentist who has a hygienist to perform cleanings, that i am satisfied with the dentist's cleanings. She managed to be extremely gentle, knowing of the discomfort i was in. ( Sensitive mouth. )
My dentist did notice from my face (all she could see, sitting behind the high reception counter) that i'd lost weight, which surprised me a little. ( Long comments about my weight, stress, eating. )
After visiting the dentist, while still feeling wound up over the work day, and worried that my mouth was going to become so ulcerated i could only eat soft foods again, I watched another couple hours of "Cornwall Exposure" (British sitcom Doc Martin) and went for a sunset walk with Christine out in the baylands. We took care of our cats and a neighbor's cats, ate our dinner, watched a documentary on submarine disasters, and i fell asleep before 9 pm.
I'm feeling decidedly better this morning: while i woke early, i think i stayed relaxed. I've smiled at Christine and the cats sleeping near me, cosy communion this cool morning. I feel brighter and lighter and far more hopeful. Is it simply the weekend? (When that brings Christine's departure closer?) Or balancing of hormones (i feel like my body was holding its breath much of last week)?
I'm off to the farmers market in a little bit. We bought organic, hand shelled, dried beans at $8/lb last time we were there, and made up some of them yesterday. They did have a rather different taste than the beans we're used to, pleasantly so. But yikes!
I have decided, after much wondering whether i should go to a dentist who has a hygienist to perform cleanings, that i am satisfied with the dentist's cleanings. She managed to be extremely gentle, knowing of the discomfort i was in. ( Sensitive mouth. )
My dentist did notice from my face (all she could see, sitting behind the high reception counter) that i'd lost weight, which surprised me a little. ( Long comments about my weight, stress, eating. )
After visiting the dentist, while still feeling wound up over the work day, and worried that my mouth was going to become so ulcerated i could only eat soft foods again, I watched another couple hours of "Cornwall Exposure" (British sitcom Doc Martin) and went for a sunset walk with Christine out in the baylands. We took care of our cats and a neighbor's cats, ate our dinner, watched a documentary on submarine disasters, and i fell asleep before 9 pm.
I'm feeling decidedly better this morning: while i woke early, i think i stayed relaxed. I've smiled at Christine and the cats sleeping near me, cosy communion this cool morning. I feel brighter and lighter and far more hopeful. Is it simply the weekend? (When that brings Christine's departure closer?) Or balancing of hormones (i feel like my body was holding its breath much of last week)?
I'm off to the farmers market in a little bit. We bought organic, hand shelled, dried beans at $8/lb last time we were there, and made up some of them yesterday. They did have a rather different taste than the beans we're used to, pleasantly so. But yikes!
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I let myself rest as much as i could yesterday. After journalling i was to go meet with friends, then Meeting, then Meeting for Business. As i burst into tears *again* i decided i did not want the added strain of "behaving appropriately." If i were grieving (something specific) or if something were wrong (other than my immune system's flaring signals in my mouth), it would be easier to cry publicly. I could not face a "how are you doing?" question though. And i thought back to some of the Meetings for Worship where i had spent so much time in tears. I didn't want to do that again.
It was easy to label the work stress as the cause when i was teary a month ago. ( A more objective summary of work issues since June. ) All in all, the crisis that i was directly involved in has been resolved, and i understand more clearly what i am missing in my current work. There remains a larger issue, but "it's not my fault" or responsibility, and it might even be in the process of being addressed. Some larger management issues above me continue to make it hard to work well: it seems possible that these will be resolved.
However, having been caught up in crisis mode, i need to "stand down," but i take a long time to leave the reactive state.
Meanwhile, my body has, under the stress, been in a long term flare. Between the stress and the feedback cycles with my body, i'm a nervous wreck. I think the tears are mostly the delayed response to the previous three or four months. I wish i could explain to my body and my deep emotions that it's over, the threat is gone, get back to our regularly scheduled program. But the trauma patterns i have make standing down very difficult.
So it's going to take a while, i guess.
Instead of going out to meet friends, we walked downtown to our local farmer's market. The bright sun made me feel overheated rather quickly, but we got the exercise in. I had still held out hope of going to Meeting for Business, but while i sat in the deck chair eating brunch, i felt so tired. I spent the time i would have been in Meeting for Business meditating on the deck. I rested the remainder of the afternoon, and managed, too, to get laundry done and fix dinner. Psychologically, it's hard for me to let go of the "getting things done" measure, so to have something done i'd planned to do for a week helps.
This morning i already have my "right hand self" on, the self that gets me through and holds back the expression of my vulnerable self.
It was easy to label the work stress as the cause when i was teary a month ago. ( A more objective summary of work issues since June. ) All in all, the crisis that i was directly involved in has been resolved, and i understand more clearly what i am missing in my current work. There remains a larger issue, but "it's not my fault" or responsibility, and it might even be in the process of being addressed. Some larger management issues above me continue to make it hard to work well: it seems possible that these will be resolved.
However, having been caught up in crisis mode, i need to "stand down," but i take a long time to leave the reactive state.
Meanwhile, my body has, under the stress, been in a long term flare. Between the stress and the feedback cycles with my body, i'm a nervous wreck. I think the tears are mostly the delayed response to the previous three or four months. I wish i could explain to my body and my deep emotions that it's over, the threat is gone, get back to our regularly scheduled program. But the trauma patterns i have make standing down very difficult.
So it's going to take a while, i guess.
Instead of going out to meet friends, we walked downtown to our local farmer's market. The bright sun made me feel overheated rather quickly, but we got the exercise in. I had still held out hope of going to Meeting for Business, but while i sat in the deck chair eating brunch, i felt so tired. I spent the time i would have been in Meeting for Business meditating on the deck. I rested the remainder of the afternoon, and managed, too, to get laundry done and fix dinner. Psychologically, it's hard for me to let go of the "getting things done" measure, so to have something done i'd planned to do for a week helps.
This morning i already have my "right hand self" on, the self that gets me through and holds back the expression of my vulnerable self.
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I wrote to someone that i was hoping i would learn to carry things more lightly. It's a paradoxical image: it's not the carrying that's light or heavy but the thing being carried, right? Yet the burden of a concern, a worry, an emotional reaction isn't some fixed characteristic: the effect of carrying a concern is a dynamic relationship between the mind-body system and the abstract thing. One *can* worry one's self sick, and one can take the same concern and learn to "carry it lightly." From the Christian tradition, there's the serenity prayer. From Pop Christianity, "let go and let God." The Buddhist tradition has a strong focus on making the shift away from suffering. I suspect there are productivity experts who have their own frame for this.*
Right now, i'm going to think of it as carrying things lightly. (It's surely not original, but i can't identify the source(s).)
--==∞==--
I think the quality Friends refer to "clearness" really helps one carry things lightly. There's an issue that i keep addressing with inaction. I think i need to ask for help in clearness over this because every time the issue comes to my attention, i question my inaction. I also feel less than competent at discerning what the right action is. Driving to work this morning i realized that i did have a resource to help me work through this: i may contact the resource tonight or tomorrow morning.
--==∞==--
It occurs to me that last night -- i think it was last night -- i fell asleep imagining that i was smashing the earthen oven (an adobe horno) that i have been visualizing when contemplating fire energy. Yes, the oven was a way to envision both the creative and destructive aspects of fire energy; yes, it seemed nicely domestic, in the same way as i envisioned clearing a hillside seep to make a little grotto where the water bubbled up, (that a metaphor for the energy which refreshes and replenishes me). But, no. As i was dozing off, i was taken with the sense that the stove tamed that energy too much. Smash, smash. I'm not sure what comes next. More transformation?
--==∞==--
Yipee! Work has a subscription to the *full* Safari Online. I promptly read the next chapter in Mind Performance Hacks, something i left off in 2007 or so. Chapter 3, on creativity, was interesting but generally not addressing a problem i'm worried about solving. (I am more interested in filtering the creative ideas to work on what is going to be most renewing/rewarding.)
SInce i was at All Consuming, i removed Letters Across the Divide: Two Friends Explore Racism, Friendship, and Faith by David Anderson from my list. I wish All Consuming let you mark something as abandoned, not simply making it disappear when you choose to "give up."
--==∞==--
* Oh look, "Hack 30. Hold a Question in Mind"
Right now, i'm going to think of it as carrying things lightly. (It's surely not original, but i can't identify the source(s).)
--==∞==--
I think the quality Friends refer to "clearness" really helps one carry things lightly. There's an issue that i keep addressing with inaction. I think i need to ask for help in clearness over this because every time the issue comes to my attention, i question my inaction. I also feel less than competent at discerning what the right action is. Driving to work this morning i realized that i did have a resource to help me work through this: i may contact the resource tonight or tomorrow morning.
--==∞==--
It occurs to me that last night -- i think it was last night -- i fell asleep imagining that i was smashing the earthen oven (an adobe horno) that i have been visualizing when contemplating fire energy. Yes, the oven was a way to envision both the creative and destructive aspects of fire energy; yes, it seemed nicely domestic, in the same way as i envisioned clearing a hillside seep to make a little grotto where the water bubbled up, (that a metaphor for the energy which refreshes and replenishes me). But, no. As i was dozing off, i was taken with the sense that the stove tamed that energy too much. Smash, smash. I'm not sure what comes next. More transformation?
--==∞==--
Yipee! Work has a subscription to the *full* Safari Online. I promptly read the next chapter in Mind Performance Hacks, something i left off in 2007 or so. Chapter 3, on creativity, was interesting but generally not addressing a problem i'm worried about solving. (I am more interested in filtering the creative ideas to work on what is going to be most renewing/rewarding.)
SInce i was at All Consuming, i removed Letters Across the Divide: Two Friends Explore Racism, Friendship, and Faith by David Anderson from my list. I wish All Consuming let you mark something as abandoned, not simply making it disappear when you choose to "give up."
--==∞==--
* Oh look, "Hack 30. Hold a Question in Mind"
When we get frustrated, we are usually in a complex situation. Questions regularly have complicated answers, and it's not unusual that we find ourselves lost in complexities. But complexities can be frustrating.
Confidence and believing that an answer will come can help cut through all that. This hack is simple. By reminding yourself that "all you have to do" is hold the question in mind, you can relax, perhaps put active investigation (or worry) on hold, and let the mind and the world do whatever it needs to do to help you answer the question. Don't give up on the question, but, rather, just look at the world freshly, holding the question in mind. Sometimes just that little bit of relaxation helps a lot.
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Last night a crash of pot lids in the kitchen, just as i was drifting off, woke me to Worry Mind. The abruptness of the change from Getting Better Mind has made me very aware just how misleading Worry Mind is. Worry Mind worries about both Christine and I and can probably go further if i let it. It's not that Worry Mind is completely useless: it's like a hound that's ready to follow any scent, no mater how frail, to the edge of catastrophe.
In general, it's good for me to have Worry Mind around. Worry Mind caught the scent of my Dad's worry: Dad has eye surgery on Friday and worries he may loose his sight. Dad only let slip his worry for a moment, but my Worry Mind caught the scent and brought the concern to me. "Good boy," i praised my worry mind, "Put it down and sit." And Worry Mind curled up at my feet, and i could hold (can hold) my Dad's worry in the Light.
I'm using jargon in that last sentence to cover up my inability to clearly explain the Practice i've pieced together, a bit of a tightrope walk for my mind. The Practice has gotten easier, but Worry Mind -- now that i imagine it as a big dog -- pulls me off balance in crazy ways, chasing off after things i have no control over, or, worse, runs me around in circles when there are things i do have control over.
So, i worry about the things i meant to do the past week when, sluggish, it was hard to do much at all. I worry about Christine; many are old worries that i'd made peace with in the past, but Worry Mind seems to have dug up the carcass.
Worry Mind is exhausting, and then Worry Mind goes chasing after the "i'm so tired" worry with a vengeance.
SIT. STAY.
It doesn't have to be this hard.
Worry Mind has learned to behave over these years; it's essential for me to have Worry Mind alert me to concerns. Worry Mind, just like other parts of me, is feeling better, feeling frisky, but one night and one morning of antics is enough. Be a good boy, Worry Mind, sit here and Trust. All is Well in the World (in that world i can directly affect).
What i need to find is the part of my mind that makes the good calls, can figure out the right strategy for the competing priorities. I mainly have a magpie mind to help me decide what's next.
Ah well, to the day.
In general, it's good for me to have Worry Mind around. Worry Mind caught the scent of my Dad's worry: Dad has eye surgery on Friday and worries he may loose his sight. Dad only let slip his worry for a moment, but my Worry Mind caught the scent and brought the concern to me. "Good boy," i praised my worry mind, "Put it down and sit." And Worry Mind curled up at my feet, and i could hold (can hold) my Dad's worry in the Light.
I'm using jargon in that last sentence to cover up my inability to clearly explain the Practice i've pieced together, a bit of a tightrope walk for my mind. The Practice has gotten easier, but Worry Mind -- now that i imagine it as a big dog -- pulls me off balance in crazy ways, chasing off after things i have no control over, or, worse, runs me around in circles when there are things i do have control over.
So, i worry about the things i meant to do the past week when, sluggish, it was hard to do much at all. I worry about Christine; many are old worries that i'd made peace with in the past, but Worry Mind seems to have dug up the carcass.
Worry Mind is exhausting, and then Worry Mind goes chasing after the "i'm so tired" worry with a vengeance.
SIT. STAY.
It doesn't have to be this hard.
Worry Mind has learned to behave over these years; it's essential for me to have Worry Mind alert me to concerns. Worry Mind, just like other parts of me, is feeling better, feeling frisky, but one night and one morning of antics is enough. Be a good boy, Worry Mind, sit here and Trust. All is Well in the World (in that world i can directly affect).
What i need to find is the part of my mind that makes the good calls, can figure out the right strategy for the competing priorities. I mainly have a magpie mind to help me decide what's next.
Ah well, to the day.
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I just tried to craft a 140 character post describe this weekend for the world: family, other members of meeting, work colleagues. What i really want to do is whine about why do folks seem to think you're supposed to come back rested from these things? FEH. I'd do it again, but it was awfully intense for me. I think back to the somatic experiencing lessons i learned and i feel that the rhythm of some of the sessions had me staying in the deep, intense, feeling space too long.
( trying to work through some of the weekend )
( trying to work through some of the weekend )
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