Godzilla and the Critical Voice

Yesterday's anonymous comment on my not being down was " 11月4日、ほんとうに東京に来るのですね" is translated by the Babelfish as "Because November 4th, it comes to Tokyo truly, the shank." And then there was a follow up comment, "It comes unless with, it is to say?"

I now imagine my blues, my depression, as a Godzilla creature, a monster created by not hubris but some other human sense of excess, out of my mother's rigid perfectionism, her anger now swallowed and learned by me. ( Practice notes from my therapist )

Anger, Guilt, and Faith

Much of my belief about my relationship with the world, including my relationship with the electoral process, is grounded in a deep belief that the actions of one person, including myself, matter but that i am unlikely to know or observe the outcome. It's a sense of being mindful about my actions but not being attached to the observable results.

I struggle with the "not doing enough" sense -- in almost every aspect of my life, including civic and community participation. That struggle means i am particularly sensitive to other's anger regarding the results of the US election. I'll be trying my best to balance in that anger that i see here and know others in my daily life will be expressing.

There's a struggle in being open to change and renewal, and being open to the wrong influences. The struggle of how one knows one's leadings are good, right, and from the right source is addressed in one of Thoreau's works. The Society of Friends had to address it early on in the context of James Naylor's acting out, and the question surely drives the stories humans have told each other throughout the ages. It's uncomfortable, and many go to texts and tradition and authority to resolve that discomfort. It's not the path i take, which means that self examination, alone and in community, needs to be continual.

There's a balance though: to be caught up in self doubt is to paralyze. One needs to connect with one's convictions and move forward with courage, not deaf to correction, but not swayed with every voice either.

Today i'll struggle with guilt about the past, and try to remind myself it's the present and going forward i need to attend to with right action.

I may question my work, again, consuming and demanding this week. But i will also remind myself there's a balance of time and season, and remind my guilt that i participate in community so that we can share the work of changing the world.

FML, no, MLF

I only recently learned the abbreviation FML. Today, i've been completely drained by FML! reactions to work politics that leave me wrangling details and other people's work and leave many us dangling because there haven't been people to manage swaths of work. And decisions! Ha!

My product person and i actually stopped work on something where it was "urgent" (except no one had noticed it wasn't done until i asked what the priority was). There were too many details that were not my details and i did not want to muck through them when the "owner" was AWOL and the other "owner" didn't exist. I've been bridging vacuum.

Anyhow.

So, at 3:30 i quit, which is reasonable when the first call was at 6:45. Working at home means, for me, i work more intensely. The bathroom isn't a long wander off. I'm not going to the break room to get water or tea but have a pot at hand. No sociable interruptions, just urgent issues...

The autumn light, those long golden rays, are filling the living room. The deck is warm and the scent of lemon blossoms fills the space. The yellow rose has three fully blown blooms: you can't tell some critter ate half of the bud of one of them! Christine called and reminded me to exercise and eat dinner: make one of your sardine dishes, she suggested, as she's doing tech tutoring tonight.

MLF: My Life is Fabulous.

Mr M came home from the vet with steroid pills we think will make him more comfortable. (He has a terrible rash.) He still purrs wonderfully when one comes near. Greycie Loo is spry and pert and vocal and more than adorable. Haven't seen Edward. My sister called. Since i have to travel to the east coast for work in December, i'll be visiting family, too.

MLF: My Life is Fabulous.

I don't know how i'm going to get the presentation done for Friday and wrangle all that must be wrangled.... But so it goes. MLF: My Life is Fabulous.