Correspondence about the coming weeks

[elainegrey]

This time next week i suspect i will be pretty frustrated as i wait for the 12:30 beginning of visiting hours. Do spouses have to follow visiting hour rules? Grr.

Anyhow, i've written two letters to different communities about the coming adventure for Christine and i. As i'm intentionally writing for an audience, these are a hopefully more complete in sharing details, more so than i am in the reflections i record here.

Y'all are part of my support network, so i'm sharing these more detailed messages with you.



To the Friends community for FLGBTQ concerns:

Friends,

i wrote last autumn as i was struggling with how heavily i was carrying my work. I don't think i mentioned my health problems, but maybe i did. With love, and a good therapist who helped me admit the deep resentment i was carrying, and the assistance of prozac to push back the sense of being overwhelmed, i feel on a much more even keel at work. And with a fist full of iron supplements, the painful ulcers in my mouth have disappeared to my usual background experience of them.

I enjoyed being at Midwinter with those of you in person and those of you in spirit. Since returning i've had intense work planning the next fiscal year and business travel for the global planning sessions.

That has now ebbed a bit, and i turn with my spouse Christine to prepare for her gender reassignment surgery next Thursday. All in all, i think we're well prepared and at ease going in. As Christine has been living as Christine for eight years, we don't have a built up anticipation, and i think we're both pretty realistic about what changes it will bring to us. We joke that i'm treating this like one of our road trips, down to using Google Maps to examine the approach to the hospital. I've made communication plans, support plans, and know folks are prepared to help if help is necessary. The main question i have is who will get up and put the kettle on in the morning when i am trying to cling to a few more minutes of sleep when Christine cannot: i'll probably buy an electric kettle and set it up with a timer.

I suppose the most difficult thing is the privacy Christine wants. I've told my siblings about the surgery, but not my parents. Some folks just know Christine is having surgery, but not what the issue is. Christine and i have spent time negotiating our different needs: my needs to know i have a supportive community available if something goes wrong, her need for this not to get blown out of proportion (as The Surgery is so often made the apex of external narratives about the transgendered experience ).

I see myself "regressing" into bad habits, the most pernicious of which is one i think of metaphorically as leaving yams on my plate until they are a cold congealed mass. I know yams are so good for one but , blech, i just can't stand them. So instead of getting simple little things done (paperwork, correspondence, little commitments, and money matters) they linger and i avoid them and then they seem to get bigger and even less appetizing and so on. I'm not eating my yams, right now, but i'm aware of it, and i will get around to it! Right now, i just am taking it as a sign that i'm reserving my energy and resources for the six weeks of Christine's recovery.

So we're well and in a good place. I anticipate the good place continuing, but i am preparing for unexpected needs in the weeks and months ahead.

In Love,

[me]

To our "first responder" support network (sisters, for example, and the woman who will be taking care of the cats in the evening the first week):

We had our pre-op visit with the surgeon, Dr Davis, about a week ago, and are looking ahead to surgery on the morning of 31 March. We've got a pleasantly busy week between now and then, including Christine moderating a panel discussion on open source GIS software in Fresno on Tuesday.

At the moment, we expect to be arriving at Sequoia Hospital at 9 am; the surgery is scheduled for 11 am. The surgery should take five or six hours. Since i can't predict whether i'll have any focus or not, i plan to stay at the hospital and do some simple work on project management on the hospital wifi, but i'll be prepared to dive into a novel or sit and crochet if i just want to be distracted. Dr Davis let me know it could be quite late in the day before i'll be able to see Christine post op, and we're to expect she will be rather groggy.

I'll try not to send emails every hour alerting you to all the amenities of the waiting room, but i might not be able to refrain.

Visiting hours are 12:30 pm – 8:30 pm http://www.sequoiahospital.org/Patients_And_Visitors/Visiting_Hours_And_Guidelines/index.htm
Parking information: http://www.sequoiahospital.org/Who_We_Are/Sequoia_Rebuilding/053938

Sequoia Hospital
170 Alameda de las Pulgas
Redwood City, CA 94062
(650) 369-5811

I'll be bringing Christine her laptop, DVDs and such on Friday. Once we see what her room situation is, i'll pass on her room number and direct phone number and any details about contacting or visiting her. We expect she'll have an internet connection and her cell phone available once she's in recovery, and she will probably take over with sharing news.

She'll be in recovery for five days after the surgery (five night stays), and most of her stay she will be on a very restricted diet. She won't be able to appreciate any food treats during this time! Her first two weeks at home she will be staying in bed or reclining most of the time. She's off caffeine for a month after the surgery, and is not to do anything that might raise her blood pressure for six weeks after the surgery, 12 May.

One set of dates that i'm watching is 26-29 April, when i will be in the office every day for some training. My expectation is that Christine will be fine at home alone by then, but if not, we'll make arrangements with local folks.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and support,

In Love,

[me] (texts welcome)

Comments

[wordweaverlynn]

I'll pray for easy healing for her.

I was thinking of you and Christine last night; I went to Girl Talk, which was wonderful.

[elainegrey]

Thank you.

Girl Talk sounds fabulous: do you know how i would best find out about it when it happens again? I think Christine and i would enjoy it, too!

[cynthia1960]

Will keep you two in my thoughts. Good healing!

[elainegrey]

Thanks you!