(no subject)

[elainegrey]

Some years ago, in October, i deeply examined whether i wanted to raise children and decided not. For some years after that, around All Saints and All Souls, i let myself mourn the might have been. Not all potentials can be fulfilled, and i only late came to the realization i *could* be a mother. (That is a story of my relationship with my mother and what i'd been told i could and could not do.)

Last night i dreamt i was looking for a way to have a child. Some of the looking involved riding on horseback through forests and a decaying cityscape where concrete roads above subways and conduits were crumbling, leaving patches of just rebar to support passage. Conference-like meetings and then looking for people directly to ask for help, including looking for someone to be a sperm donor.

I can't help but link the dream to the anniversary, but i suspect the symbolism of bearing a child stands for some other process. The dream mainly had the feeling of sorting out a problem that did not have a strong emotional motivation. What should have been treacherous and frightening -- passing over crumbling concrete -- was more of a tactical puzzle than a risky situation, the meetings were tactical negotiations.

Dear Subconscious, thanks for the memory of what you were up to, but could you be less cryptic? Thanks, the curious self

Comments

[laughingrat]

Huh, that's pretty interesting. I wonder if you sort of quietly put it aside for a few days, would understanding spontaneously arise?

[elainegrey]

I dunno, many of the dreams i remember (not a large number there) all have this sort of landscape navigation, tactical puzzle feel to them, and tend to be impenetrable for waking me. Moving stuff from room to room. Leading someone through a city scape. Crossing a river (i swear that was the Schukill), back and forth. Wandering the countryside, wandering along a rocky coast. I always wake up feeling my subconscious is working really hard -- and have no clue what it's doing.

Someday, maybe, i will begin to sort them out. I have more details in memory this time!