elainegrey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
elainegrey) wrote2022-12-24 02:23 pm
elainegrey) wrote2022-12-24 02:23 pm
From midday Christmas Eve
Hoping those of you who want to celebrate are having a lovely time.
For those of you who don't want to celebrate but have committed to some sort of festivity you can't back out of, my sympathies.
That would be Christine.
Meanwhile, i am tired. I'm grieving, not sure that i'm grieving *Mom*, but i am having waves of self pity.
My Dad says this is the happiest, and most relaxed he's ever been. He doesn't have responsibilities (he had tough teen years and had a lot of responsibility then). He's distracting himself dating a bunch of women. Tomorrow morning he'll probably crash into a bunch of grief while my sister and i are there to catch him. If he does dump on my sister and i on Christmas morning, i might just be a little bitter. (There's a glimpse of my self pity.) [Note: my sister's family joined us before we could get into any reflections that might lead to tears.]
My sister had a miserable birthday proper. I'm glad i made my Dad make plans with her and that i took her out and a friend of hers took her out, because her kids and husband did not do anything special for her. (And it's hard for her without her mom.)
My brother just wrote my sister and i noting he forgot for a moment mom was gone and thought to get her a gift. And then remembered.
He's definitely in the workaholic space, so he is probably not giving himself time to process. Although i do wonder about his relationship to Mom. He was outside the emotional drama of Mom, Dad, and i, and in some ways neglected (compared to me, always in trouble). I know once he was a father he acknowledged that he always saw Mom's side when he was a child, but he understood Dad far more at that point. And he had some bitterness. This was... i dunno, thirteen years ago? So things could have changed.
I weep when i think of my sister and brother grieving. So, second hand grief?
For those of you who don't want to celebrate but have committed to some sort of festivity you can't back out of, my sympathies.
That would be Christine.
Meanwhile, i am tired. I'm grieving, not sure that i'm grieving *Mom*, but i am having waves of self pity.
My Dad says this is the happiest, and most relaxed he's ever been. He doesn't have responsibilities (he had tough teen years and had a lot of responsibility then). He's distracting himself dating a bunch of women. Tomorrow morning he'll probably crash into a bunch of grief while my sister and i are there to catch him. If he does dump on my sister and i on Christmas morning, i might just be a little bitter. (There's a glimpse of my self pity.) [Note: my sister's family joined us before we could get into any reflections that might lead to tears.]
My sister had a miserable birthday proper. I'm glad i made my Dad make plans with her and that i took her out and a friend of hers took her out, because her kids and husband did not do anything special for her. (And it's hard for her without her mom.)
My brother just wrote my sister and i noting he forgot for a moment mom was gone and thought to get her a gift. And then remembered.
N--: Walking through Granville island shops in Vancouver had a flash moment of seeing a spice pack and thinking mom would like it ….
Me: Wish I could give you a hug.
L --: Awe, N--. Love you. I’m wearing her Christmas blazer right now. Thinking of how much she loves Christmas and wanted it to be special for all of us.
He's definitely in the workaholic space, so he is probably not giving himself time to process. Although i do wonder about his relationship to Mom. He was outside the emotional drama of Mom, Dad, and i, and in some ways neglected (compared to me, always in trouble). I know once he was a father he acknowledged that he always saw Mom's side when he was a child, but he understood Dad far more at that point. And he had some bitterness. This was... i dunno, thirteen years ago? So things could have changed.
I weep when i think of my sister and brother grieving. So, second hand grief?
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*hugs*
I hope today brings you comfort and something to smile about
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