elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
elainegrey ([personal profile] elainegrey) wrote2010-08-24 04:13 am
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Tired. I'm in a flare and i'm tired of being in a flare and my mother has turned into my dad's mother. What does that mean? My Dad's mother was a Christian Scientist for some years (she's now in some awareness of mind group), and thus one can never be sick. Mom's pretty much the same, just her source is from a Doctor and a Professor. If i mention a discomfort i'm feeling it sends her off in a spiel about relaxation and the CDs she's bought and how careful we have to be about how we tell ourselves things.

And i know she thinks she's found some great benefit that she wants to evangelize, but i am mildly annoyed by her consistent belief in a One True Cause as opposed to a systems view that can recognize genetic, environmental, as well as mental and emotional components. There is clearly something about my bod that takes the stress -- yes thank you, i am stressed and i'm working on clearing it but my practices weren't quite as robust as i would have liked before the July wave of stress hit.

And my mental health needs me to acknowledge pain.

I think that's the part that's i'm really frustrated by. The repression of so many feelings growing up, and i think one really was pain and discomfort. My family has a story they like to tell of toddler-me, when i was trying to tell my Grandmama i was sick and she was responding with the correction that "You are a child of God a child of the Universe...," i apparently reacted assertively and indignantly, "I'm sick i say!" But i learned to ignore discomfort and that meant sutting off listening to my body.

Somewhere there should be a gentle dialogue, where one accepts the discomforts and acknowledges them and is able to settle the mind so that instead of being distressed by discomfort the mental practices to soothe and -- yes -- i do believe that mental and emotional practices can assist in healing.... But the messages i hear from my mother (and i'll admit that she may have a more sophisticated understanding than the one i *hear* from her) sound more like, "If you breathe right and stay relaxed and don't get stressed all your health problems will go away."

The "don't get stressed" piece burns me because she spends so much time blaming my dad for making her stressed -- if she practiced a true acceptance of the power of her mind to shape her experience of the world, she would understand she chooses to be stressed by Dad.

Just like i choose to be stressed by work.

And this is the sophistication i'm missing from her, and where i need to lear: i need to learn to keep the balance, learn to be lighter in my experience.

I also need to accept my body's pain and discomfort and the canker sores in my mouth are incredibly distressing.