elainegrey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
elainegrey) wrote2011-03-05 06:32 am
elainegrey) wrote2011-03-05 06:32 am
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I have pills stuck in my ... esophagus, i guess, right behind the tip of my sternum. I went to sleep last night trusting they'd free themselves on their own. Surely my body would figure out how to handle this? Not so much. One pot of hot tea and some very soft corn bread later, the lump still feels there.
What is interesting is the dissociation between my mental state and my body sense state. Mentally, i am mildly annoyed: i expect that after some time the stuck things will dissolve or become unstuck. It could be a variety of pills: vitamin D, or B, or iron -- and i do wonder if the iron would dissolve under simple fluids or if i should drink -- i dunno, vinegar? It feels HUGE so it could be fish oil, although, i suspect the tiny iron pill would feel huge. It doesn't seem to be obstructing. Then there are actual meds, the prozac and the antihistamine. Those i trust will dissolve in time.
Basically, i think the worst case would be the iron supplement. And i think worst case is that it will just take into next week to dissolve. There's nothing like aspirin in the mix which would worry me that the dissolved substance could damage the lining of the tube.
Physically, i feel panicked. I don't think i would have been aware of my body state some years ago, but my somatic experiencing therapy seems to be effective. There's an odd quivery tension on the side of my thighs and in my arms, as if i'm tensing to spring into action. My jaw is clenching: this counts as discomfort. It is revealing to me to have this dissociation so acute.
Reflecting and feeling, asking my whole self what i need to do to resolve this, i find in the dissonance that i don't feel safe to be injured. I recall a young, small me, refusing to let my father remove a splinter, a rare memory of actually requesting comfort from my mom when i had a terrible eyestrain headache. I don't think it matters why i felt i couldn't trust my parents with my pain, just that i acknowledge this extremely strong mental reaction is a trauma-trained strategy, getting me through the dysfunction of my childhood. I don't need to have it deny the sense of panic now.
What is interesting is the dissociation between my mental state and my body sense state. Mentally, i am mildly annoyed: i expect that after some time the stuck things will dissolve or become unstuck. It could be a variety of pills: vitamin D, or B, or iron -- and i do wonder if the iron would dissolve under simple fluids or if i should drink -- i dunno, vinegar? It feels HUGE so it could be fish oil, although, i suspect the tiny iron pill would feel huge. It doesn't seem to be obstructing. Then there are actual meds, the prozac and the antihistamine. Those i trust will dissolve in time.
Basically, i think the worst case would be the iron supplement. And i think worst case is that it will just take into next week to dissolve. There's nothing like aspirin in the mix which would worry me that the dissolved substance could damage the lining of the tube.
Physically, i feel panicked. I don't think i would have been aware of my body state some years ago, but my somatic experiencing therapy seems to be effective. There's an odd quivery tension on the side of my thighs and in my arms, as if i'm tensing to spring into action. My jaw is clenching: this counts as discomfort. It is revealing to me to have this dissociation so acute.
Reflecting and feeling, asking my whole self what i need to do to resolve this, i find in the dissonance that i don't feel safe to be injured. I recall a young, small me, refusing to let my father remove a splinter, a rare memory of actually requesting comfort from my mom when i had a terrible eyestrain headache. I don't think it matters why i felt i couldn't trust my parents with my pain, just that i acknowledge this extremely strong mental reaction is a trauma-trained strategy, getting me through the dysfunction of my childhood. I don't need to have it deny the sense of panic now.
no subject
For a while, my acid reflux was bad enough that it would irritate my upper esophagus while I slept, and slosh back into my vocal chords, which made the whole works all swole up. Swallowing pills under those circumstances was agonizing, and they really did get stuck. I don't know if that's something you might be at-risk for, as far as the reflux, but thought I'd toss that out there.