2011-09-06

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
2011-09-06 06:03 am

(no subject)

The last two days flew by with social engagements and family and Meeting.

Sunday Meeting had a threshing session around how the meeting should budget given a suggested minute from Peace & Social COncerns that we double our contribution to Quaker organizations this year, discussing outreach through other Quaker organizations and, in this time of reduced return on investments[1], providing rescue funding to AFSC (the service organization founded by Friends), FCNL (the national legislative lobby organization), and FCL-CA (California legislative lobby). I went in feeling like a reed that would lean the way whomever was speaking leaned. The need for reserves to maintain the building seemed responsible. The need to not put people at fixed income in a place where they would feel they can't keep up with their responsibilities seemed important. But i'm not convinced that we should double the contributions some how, and if it comes out of reserves it's ok to take that risk. The convincement took place as i listened to three Friends, one after another, speak of being led by joy, speak of not knowing just how big an impact we might make. Tears ran down my cheeks as i felt the certainty that taking the risk and giving was right action, that prudence was responsible in "normal" times, but these are not fiscal normal times.

As the threshing session began i read the queries, one of which asked, "Are we doing all that we can..." and i began trembling in indignation. We would never be able to corporately have a clear any easy "yes" to any question phrased that way, and i don't think it's right action to pour all energy and resources in one direction. So i spoke first in the session, critiquing the question, and reading from the advices for simplicity and living from a Center.

[1] i'm forgetting the word for the chunk of money nonprofits often fund their work from....

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I'm a little cranky about Ritzpic's (Wolf Camera's) 6x6 soft cover photo book. Yesterday i made four with photos from our camping outings for Christine and i to share with our mothers and for me to send to my grandparents. The "soft cover" are identical in price to the hard cover, but simply a stapled together chapbook. I suppose the hard covers are negligible compared to the printing time. Ah well, lesson learned. It's probably less expensive to post the chapbooks and easier to stick into an existing album (for my Mom).

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no time to write about my brother and his family. Sigh. Good times with them, wonder at my parents' and sister's critical reactions to the boys. The boys are different - -far more physical that we were -- but i'm not seeing any Problem.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
2011-09-06 04:53 pm

Resuming Prozac

Message to my new doctor about returning to prozac.

Three days of happy weekend. Tears several times today. Work apparently makes me depressed, although, more subtly, my expectations of myself and my inability to meet those expectations is what makes me depressed. Work just doesn't have any tool to help me manage those expectations.

The division's management meeting with the VP is tomorrow: New Director, his other two managers, and random tech leads. New Director and i have spoken, what, once? since our last meeting with the VP. Monthly report meltdown was last Thursday.

The thought that i am now working a job that requires medication to be tolerable makes me feel like a failure (which ALSO is framing that plays into the downward spiral). I left physics partly because i didn't see how i could participate in the physics community without this same sense of debilitation: i wanted to find a way of living where i could thrive in my natural way of being.

And you know, i have. Amazingly, even those years when i was on-call 24-7 and the Minnow had no money to hire reasonable support and we couldn't get the database quite tuned for load and so on: i was exhausted, but i wasn't crying every time i turned. I was fierce. (Exhausted and sleep deprived.)

What's happened to undermine me so?

I also have therapy tomorrow: yay!

Email to doctor )