elainegrey

Yesterday after work i just escaped into a book. I finished Rachel Neumeier's Death's Lady trilogy. The first book felt complete and stand alone, and i found the in this world with a mental institution housing a distressed person from another world to be different and engaging. Would real therapists and psychiatrists approve? I dunno, but i enjoyed it. The next two books are one story that i was impatient with -- just as likely a me problem as that of the text, as in retrospect i regard it with some pleasure. The fourth book, last night, was of redemption. The lovely aspect of these books is the alternate world has recovered from a long traumatic time of cruelty and the young leader has an instinct for healing.

And i escaped there again.

I am privileged in that generally we can sit out the ice and snow and enjoy looking and walking in it. The stretch of road we are on retains the ice long after it clears elsewhere, our north slope grounds are shaded by tall pines and we keep the snow for a long while. I suspect that once we get round the curve i will, as usual, be surprised at how different everywhere else is.

"KEY MESSAGE 1...Confidence continues to grow in at least measurable snowfall in central NC Fri night into Sun morning, but considerable uncertainty remains with an incredibly wide range of potential snowfall amounts and related impacts.... This pattern is favorable for at least light snow with a high snow/liquid ratio within central NC, but also brings an incredibly  difficult forecast challenge.... The likelihood ... remains a point of considerable uncertainty and may not be ironed out until 1-2 days before the event begins. However, the top analogs and latest suite of ... model guidance highlights at least the potential for significant snowfall totals somewhere from the Carolinas into the Mid-Atlantic. There are a few failure modes for this setup which would result in less precipitation over central NC. "

I like reading the local NWS (RAH) area forecast. The above is essentially how i skim the text. Whole paragraphs of technical air masses and troughs and poetic phrases like  the "stronger synoptic ascent overspreads" i consume to produce some abstract impressionist concept of weather maps in my head, but i am on the look out for the process. These forecasters speaking to other forecasters focus on certainty and uncertainty and the basis for claims. The meaningful weather maps right now focus on what the probability is that warning or watches need to be issued -- not how much.  The graphical ten day forecast i look at has no way to condense in all this uncertainty, except for the numbers to jump around as new models are run.

The Weather Channel is apparently naming it Winter Storm Gianna.

Meanwhile, the project planning for which i am scheduled to fly to Ohio this weekend -- exhale, it will be what it will be -- gripped my heart yesterday with dread. I am feeling inadequate as i look into some cryptographic technologies and consider the chuzpah with which we undertake this planning. I think i had forgotten the depths of some of the issues facing us in this work, and yesterday it all came back to me. I am ... thankful ... for the pause that means i have this complexity in mind as we head into the planning.

Meanwhile, i read one of my Republican senator's statements critical of ICE and fume at the wishy washy way he weasels his critique to "protect President Trump's legacy." The press has carried stories about the fear these politicians have of getting in the crosshairs of the MAGA and Q faithful who have shown themselves willing to assault and attack. The attack on Paul Pelosi, on judges, on governors, even the attempted assassination attempts -- yes, i can understand the fear. But there are people on the street in Minneapolis who are brave and are also facing violence and attack and no doubt MAGA and Q faithful are doxxing people who have made themselves visible -- can this senator not be brave enough to do more?

The number of deaths in ICE's custody has shot up this year and part of it is the ignorance in which they bring people into custody, the lack of support for the people who have chronic conditions, the utter lack of care. Funding of DHS should also be contingent on hiring the medical staff and translators and custodial staff, and buying supplies to support the people in custody. If ANYONE is in custody, the state should be meeting their physical and legal needs.

ICE needs to be held accountable for those deaths, too. Not just the terror they are causing on the streets, but the tedious quiet horror of neglect in custody.

Argh, there is so much wrong with the whole horrible, racist process.

Christine's surgery plus work prep for the in-person meeting at the end of the month has sent me into a withdrawal from everything else. The surgery turned out well and her recovery state is far better than the general recovery for the type surgery she had.

The lack of proactive communication before and after the surgery is the most frustrating because it seems so resolvable. I understand uncertainty, i don't understand crap communication. Anyhow, my poking at possibilities on the internet and finding general surgery recovery instructions helped us (over) prepare for after care. I recognize that is my own soothing action:over prepare. Like i took EVERYTHING to the hospital and ended up just reading on my phone (but i did eat my healthy sandwich). Management for her recovery catheter - antiseptics, antibiotics, gentle soaps and various other cleaning things listed in keeping up catheters -- did get used for a few days. In general, she seems to be recovering more quickly than i did from my nose surgery.

--== ∞ ==--

I am heading to Ohio at the end of the month and spent week one working full out on getting clarity on complexities that were being ignored by product in writing stories that the engineering staff knew too little to question, then coming up with alternatives, and documenting the complexities.

This week was trying to come up with ways to communicate the complexities of the new product product wants to build and how that overlaps with the engineering executive director goal. I think i have come up with a simple place to start which can create a common cognitive grounding from the executive directors to engineers, and on which i can add the complexities in an iterative fashion. Next week is a short work week, so ... eek. Four workdays to the next meeting.

--== ∞ ==--

In Bruno news, i convinced Christine we should buy a "cat gate" -- two clear plastic doors that we can tension mount against ceiling and floor to partition Marlowe and Carrie from Bruno, while allowing more visibility, scent, and air exchange. My biggest worry was that if Christine was overwhelmed while i was away, i could at least ease her worry about Bruno being isolated. Christine bought in when it was clear it was a way we could have Marlowe and Bruno more exposed to each other in a controlled way.

It arrived yesterday morning, and we set it up during lunch. Bruno has pretty much stuck to his safe places since. He's clearly learned over the past months the open physical door means Marlowe or Carrie can show up. Unlearning that will take a while, although maybe not weeks. Marlowe has tried hard to break in, comically. I'm pretty confident it's secure against her. It's probably not secure against a medium sized animal intent on breaking through: i think if Carrie threw her body weight against it  repeatedly she could dislodge the tension supports. Fortunately Carrie is a Good Girl and accepted there is a barrier.

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, ( weight stuff, to be referred to as cabbage )

This week was fatigue, cat pee, and all new tires for the car plus an arm long list of things they found while they were looking (and a leg long list Christine said no to).  Christine is striving to manage anxiety about her her physical discomfort/symptoms that are related to her June emergency room visit; just over a month to the surgery to deal with the issue. And i am preparing myself for "oh you won't need an X" to be really "oh you won't need an X permanently, of course you need one for recovery."

Christine and i have such different distrust patterns. Me, i distrust the doctors & nurses to tell you what you need to know because it's obvious to them. I distrust the tire place and suspect them of wanting to deal with things that our regular car place has handled. I distrust customer service because i assume they are measured on completing tickets, not solving problems. I ... could keep going. But i tend to trust that people are generally acting in good faith, that i can share things and it won't come back to hurt me (now that mom is out of the picture). Christine ... well, she used to completely distrust the medical establishment but seemed to get a little better after the stay in the hospital this year. She trusts the car place (and talked me down from my high dudgeon on seeing the list of repairs and refurbishments).

We spent much of the week of Thanksgiving worried about Marlowe not eating. Monday, a week after she'd been to the vet and nothing found amiss,  we got an appetite stimulant and after two treatments she's eating like a champ. And she's back to being a terror to Bruno. And is this why Bruno keeps peeing on beds? So should we go back to gabapentin in her food to chill her out? Which is one possible reason why she quit eating? Ugh. I'm caught up on washing and drying; folding not so much.

The fatigue hit hard on Monday. I am doing better, and recall i should get my vitamin D tested. It's an expected symptom of the ITP that remains even when the platelet counts stay stable. Piffle. I will continue to work with my therapist on the cognitive/emotional challenges and how to get my ADHD mind where i can meet exercise and eating goals. Right now i know i am eating because of the fatigue and it is VERY HARD to convince myself that more food does not equal energy.

Work is a little stressful: i continue to find the exec director levels ... well, to resume a theme, untrustworthy. Am i stupid to not look for other work? My current work is interesting. Most people i work with i like. I think staying is OK, and if i do get dropped one morning, maybe we will be OK with an early retirement? I'd look for new work if that happened, of course, but my hopes are low. But i do not have the ... will to invest in promoting myself so i could land somewhere.

Meanwhile, we are carrying concern for my sister's family, knowing the more regular substitute position starting Friday will be helpful, but yikes. If we don't pay our teachers well, pay for subs is near imaginary.

Health: platelets back up on Monday and i think i was feeling better on Sunday. Spent some time looking for details on measurement uncertainties and natural variation in platelet counts.  I suspect if one knew the equipment that was being used there would be reference material, but there's no rule of thumb. Using some possibly unreliable numbers i found, i have established a range of normal for me that includes both my variation of numbers in the normal range and the measurement uncertainty. Ups and downs within that range i should consider as noise, not trend.  I did have a drop the previous week, and i think i did sense that in my body.

Feline health: this weekend was punctuated by Edward being sick with unpleasant fluids in many unexpected places around the house. Christine thinks she saw him hunt and catch something Thursday afternoon; perhaps that was a cause. This afternoon he seems to be getting better.

Luigi is even less mobile than he has been. He is enjoying some time on the deck in the sun (and pollen). We wonder if he is in discomfort or pain and when we should let him go. I think he's still OK, but there is something even more aged about him. He is getting matted but distressing him and triggering his breathing difficulties seems wrong at this point.

--== ∞ ==--

Work:  hyperfocusing on learning the OpenID Federation specification and the draft profile for higher ed, plus playing out the spec in a toy universe i created. I sure hope it can be as useful for others as it was for me because i sunk a great deal into it.

Escape/reading:  i spent the week very focused at work and very much escaping into Elizabeth Moon's Paladin’s Legacy series. One issue was that the books didn't really end, but just were continued in the next volume, so my hyperfocus tendencies really really wanted back in the story because there wasn't a strong done signal.

Even now, with some bits tied off, there clearly are narrative arcs ready to keep going. (Finds blog, finds title of a book sent to the editor, recognizes one thread that seemed ready for a book, drums fingers wondering when it will be published.) I am very tempted to read again: i know i skim parts wanting to get to the next plot bit. Rereading i will likely visualize more. Probably could study the maps better.

I found the theology and religion in the books interesting. SPOILER: part of the story has young people suddenly showing a capability that had been labeled as evil, discovery of writings from the time of one of the more politically established saint/gods showing the saint/god's compassion and that the capability itself was never one that the saint/god condemned. The magery feels very much like a metaphor for how visible trans youth became in the past few decades. I think this was in the... fourth book? Written a decade ago.

--== ∞ ==--

So, i've been ignoring spring, sorta. Did see fireflies the past three nights. (https://www.backyardecology.net/spring-treetop-flasher-our-first-firefly-species-of-the-season/)

Made third batch of seed crackers.

Had lunch with nephew down from NYU, lovely.

Went out on boat with Dad. Dad headed it into a huge flock (raft?) of cormorants. He wasn't wearing his hearing aid and could not hear me asking him, telling him to stop. He clearly wanted to get a video of the birds in flight. He sent some of them up, and i finally yelled stop loud enough to keep him from disturbing all of them. I was steamed. "But other boats speed through them." I growled a standard "just because everyone else" response and asked him if he wanted people driving through his bedroom. When he complained to my sister she informed (reminded?) him of the definition of harassing wildlife.

He posted his video on line -- and then heard me. Sigh.

Best thing Sunday morning: breakfast of fuyu-ish persimmon, yogurt, and pecans. Heaven. Saturday morning was a cubed, slightly stale Portuguese roll, some of the candied pumpkin, eggs beaten with cream, and baked - variation on French toast and a bread pudding (i guess?)

Christine's been watching  Oliver Stone's JFK, and Saturday night it wound up, with a number of long monologues about conspiracies and what America ought to be. That was 1991. Before the Waco & Ruby Ridge, the Oklahoma City bombing, hanging chads in 2000, and everything else. It felt a little surreal to try and wrest my mind back to the age before.

I had finished Adrian Tchaikovsky's 2004 Alien Clay, which has the Mandate as the brutal authoritarian state the main characters were resisting. During the election returns earlier this month i read Lyda Morehouse's 2001 Archangel Protocol, and as Christine watched JFK, i read the sequel Fallen Host.  The AngeLink Universe has a network of religio-authoritarian governance.

Exhale.  The reading and the current politics swirl together in a emotional reaction soup that i am not dealing with. It's a big pile of too much, too unknown, and i can't believe H.R. 9495 passed, please let the nonsense die in reconciliation.

--== ∞ ==--

I am dealing with work and trying to take care of myself. This weekend and today went more or less well. I didn't deal with various regular physical care for myself, but i got some weeding and raking done this weekend and feel very good about it.

Today i did all the during work self care: a morning ten minute walk, standing for 60 minutes, lunchtime coffee, afternoon kukicha (green tea high in L-Theanine). I worked in the yard by twilight and then with a head lamp on. I'm not feeling quite as overwhelmed, although [don't think about it, focus on the feeling of  okayness]. Well. Anyhow. I am feeling OK.

I am dealing with a certain amount of shame at my enthusiastic engagement during a meeting today. (Probably ADHD rejection sensitivity at the root here; the other person with whom i was being enthusiastic and energetic also has ADHD and we ran over every one. Ugh. And i had invited my manager. Die under desk. Ooof.)

But generally, yay, doing good.

Morning writing tag because this was originally Sunday morning's journaling.

So non sto. I already wrote about the weekend, but look, i recap again:

Saturday - So humid. Ended in buckets of rain when we went out to get shrimp po'boys at the trying-hard-to-be-a-destination location in town, then stopped at my nibling's high school art show. (Charges admission, which, i guess, the sports teams do it why not the art show?)

Sunday - brunch at my sister's to visit with my brother's son who had arrived after a long delayed flight and who is staying with my dad while being forced off campus until next term and his summer job start.

Monday was a normalish work day, i worked a little late taking a mandated AI training course, then mowed the orchard plus whatever until the battery died, then weed whacked up at the road a little bit. Can't kill all the invasive (rank 3) daisies but can discourage reproduction. I'm a little sad i was so successful with the Queen Anne's lace (also rank 3). There were no daisies by the roadside when i was growing up, but Queen Anne's lace features in nostalgic memories of summer, including early in my marriage to Christine. I think i must have picked roadside Queen Anne's lace and daylilies driving down the DelMarVA peninsula to be with her for weekends when i was in grad school and she was in Edenton on the radio.  We had received two lovely art glass pitcher/vases as wedding gifts and the cobalt blue one, with daylilies and Queen Anne's lace, sitting on the kitchen table in late afternoon light is a bright glowing memory ....

Tuesday and Wednesday were both full of context switching and long strings of meetings. I got a little experience with AI using the prompt training from Monday. It does seem to help to tell chatgpt that it is an expert with thirty years of experience in [area] who also is an award winning educator, writing clear  articles, and that it should [do thing] for another expert in the area who is familiar with the terminology. Telling it to be an expert and a clear writer seems to improve, but telling it it's also writing for another expert helps bring the content up to a potentially more useful level. I am not spending so much time rolling my eyes saying "i knew that" and "that's what i asked" and feeling like it's merely parroting my prompt.

I see the potential, and -- like getting help from humans  -- it's frequently not useful  or satisfying until you spend time getting familiar with each other. I wonder if agents are as inevitable as remote controls for everything, mobile phones, smart phones. I don't know if the current costs will really be worth it. I think about the switch from typewriters to word processing and the level of fuss that then was possible. One typed some thing out, yeah yeah, get the margins right and the line spacing right.  I don't think bold and italics were possible? And if you needed math or formulae you wrote them in? And then experts in formatting would take over, whether the publisher or the admin who had become a LaTeX expert. But once everyone had a word processor at hand everyone was fiddling with markups and styles. What had been an expert skill was democratized yes, but not everyone was skillful and the time sink for people who were experts in something else.

AI minutes of the Zoom meeting we had yesterday were ... meh with "where did it get that from" and "that was a minor aside" .. and while no one needs to volunteer for  collaborative scribing in Google Docs, everyone reviewing the "minutes" will need to put more work in.

Tuesday night was in the car getting my nephew from my Dad's, meeting up with C at home, going to a restaurant, getting Christine home to care for Edward, taking Z to a drug store for allergy meds because cat hair. (I shared how i found i was allergic to cats in college,  he muttered something that indicates he might be discovering the same thing.) Then to Dad's and back. I don't drive enough and ground gears once shifting. Bleh i need to insist on being the driver more.

Groceries last night then watching the Wednesday sci fi. Currently Halo, which is oddly better than Stargate Universe. We've tried watching that Stargate twice, but i always get very turned off by the not one trusts anyone plot threads.

Friday i go to New Bern with Dad and nephew Z, which should be an all day thing.

Anyhow,....

Morning rising chaos this weekend because of clock change absurdity: overslept on Saturday, starting the day off over an hour late; and stayed in bed reading the NY Times on Sunday (dark, so dark).  Also, i did not sit in front of my bright light yesterday morning, and ended up cocooned in the dim living room all day as rain fell. I know i did thinking things and reading things, but it feels like i let the day evaporate away. Given the mental exhaustion i felt on Friday, i probably needed to be "off."

--== ∞ ==--

The new Corporate-types who are our management now come from Consulting; i am glad my manager was promoted internally. The manager i will work with most closely is not from Consulting but seems a little Corporate. I am so far from Corporate that it would take days to arrive via Concorde. (Do i even share air space with Corporate?) I am also happily isolated from the particularly problematic Exec Director -- problematic because he does not have time for detail and does not seem to listen. Which is triggery for me. Anyhow, the new manager started last week. I'll be interviewing some new hires for the team, we have a crew of contractors to be attached to the team, so much people change ahead.

I was happy  to take time to help a new project get a UX right because we have a number of bad UX flows for the same purpose and this team does not have all the "help" that would mean I would be treading on toes by doing UX. (I am confident because i am proposing a UX based on a couple years long research project a standards body performed. Otherwise, i would really be out of my lane.)  We have a "workshop" tomorrow.