elainegrey

I received a text message from New Director at 6:50 am on this Saturday, asking me to put together a quarterly report by 9 am. I never returned his wish for a good morning. He never rescheduled this week's one on one meeting in which he theoretically could have let me know he had this need. I remain distrustful and disgusted.

EXHALE.

"Like many writers managers, I have rituals. Before writing the monthly report, I pour coffee tea, open the window by my desk, and attempt to read the entire internet."

Message to my new doctor about returning to prozac.

Three days of happy weekend. Tears several times today. Work apparently makes me depressed, although, more subtly, my expectations of myself and my inability to meet those expectations is what makes me depressed. Work just doesn't have any tool to help me manage those expectations.

The division's management meeting with the VP is tomorrow: New Director, his other two managers, and random tech leads. New Director and i have spoken, what, once? since our last meeting with the VP. Monthly report meltdown was last Thursday.

The thought that i am now working a job that requires medication to be tolerable makes me feel like a failure (which ALSO is framing that plays into the downward spiral). I left physics partly because i didn't see how i could participate in the physics community without this same sense of debilitation: i wanted to find a way of living where i could thrive in my natural way of being.

And you know, i have. Amazingly, even those years when i was on-call 24-7 and the Minnow had no money to hire reasonable support and we couldn't get the database quite tuned for load and so on: i was exhausted, but i wasn't crying every time i turned. I was fierce. (Exhausted and sleep deprived.)

What's happened to undermine me so?

I also have therapy tomorrow: yay!

( Email to doctor )