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Quickly journalling in the surprising free time from misreading a 10 am meeting as Eastern and not Pacific time.
And yet, that surprise brings with it many other mental punches: i hadn't realized there was an 8 am video conference meeting. Yikes! It's been canceled. Thank heavens. It's an important meeting and the cancel without reschedule points to a systemic problem. Argh.
Oh look, today's booked. And so is tomorrow. And it's Thursday that begins at 5:30 am.
And then, cascades of to-dos, shoulda-dones, what-abouts tire (i don't know what i meant by "tire" here) throughout my mind.
At the end of last week my mind and self were creeping along, scatterbrained, forgetful.
The weekend came and i glided through the days, attending to this and that, but generally simply flowing with the weather, the light, my inner tides, my curiosity. I spent time engaged with people, hours with MP (where she is willing to help me with job exploration). Sunday morning i met with the old colleague clan, then i was warmly receiving love from the Meeting community as i greeted, sharing back with the clerk, the person doing hospitality, the person closing meeting afterwards, feeling full and blessed. I spent time experimenting with wire, with flux, with flame. I spent time experimenting with cooking apples and tapioca "cream" imagining a layer of apples topped with a creme brulee as a desert: it might work, says experiment.
I held back the sense of responsibility, held it back, held it back -- and this morning it washes over me, tsunami-like. Where is my crochet that i couldn't find all weekend? (Didn't see at meeting, didn't see in the car, haven't seen around the house -- oh have i lost the fabulous yarn for my mother's gift?) Where is my ear piece? I know i touched it sometime this weekend? Oh, the mess, the dirt, the derelict projects, the clutter. I forgot to take the artichoke plant to DE. I have responded to the introductory email, i haven't, i haven't, i ought to....
And this wall and wave is the back flush -- the work wave hit me, and left me feeling impotent, incompetent, and i turned back to my own little personal things where the cost of "failure" is so much smaller.
--==∞==--
So where do i go from here? I vented here, i brought some semblance of order to my desk and my email inbox, prepared to leave the house.
Breathe.
I know i need to quit acting like a dragon is chasing me, but i feel a dragon is chasing me.
And yet, that surprise brings with it many other mental punches: i hadn't realized there was an 8 am video conference meeting. Yikes! It's been canceled. Thank heavens. It's an important meeting and the cancel without reschedule points to a systemic problem. Argh.
Oh look, today's booked. And so is tomorrow. And it's Thursday that begins at 5:30 am.
And then, cascades of to-dos, shoulda-dones, what-abouts tire (i don't know what i meant by "tire" here) throughout my mind.
At the end of last week my mind and self were creeping along, scatterbrained, forgetful.
The weekend came and i glided through the days, attending to this and that, but generally simply flowing with the weather, the light, my inner tides, my curiosity. I spent time engaged with people, hours with MP (where she is willing to help me with job exploration). Sunday morning i met with the old colleague clan, then i was warmly receiving love from the Meeting community as i greeted, sharing back with the clerk, the person doing hospitality, the person closing meeting afterwards, feeling full and blessed. I spent time experimenting with wire, with flux, with flame. I spent time experimenting with cooking apples and tapioca "cream" imagining a layer of apples topped with a creme brulee as a desert: it might work, says experiment.
I held back the sense of responsibility, held it back, held it back -- and this morning it washes over me, tsunami-like. Where is my crochet that i couldn't find all weekend? (Didn't see at meeting, didn't see in the car, haven't seen around the house -- oh have i lost the fabulous yarn for my mother's gift?) Where is my ear piece? I know i touched it sometime this weekend? Oh, the mess, the dirt, the derelict projects, the clutter. I forgot to take the artichoke plant to DE. I have responded to the introductory email, i haven't, i haven't, i ought to....
And this wall and wave is the back flush -- the work wave hit me, and left me feeling impotent, incompetent, and i turned back to my own little personal things where the cost of "failure" is so much smaller.
--==∞==--
So where do i go from here? I vented here, i brought some semblance of order to my desk and my email inbox, prepared to leave the house.
Breathe.
I know i need to quit acting like a dragon is chasing me, but i feel a dragon is chasing me.
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