elainegrey

I have a general frustration of "I want to have done X but i am not doing it." And just writing that down has illustrated something for me. I am not sure i have desires about actually doing, but i have desires i want done. That's.... interesting.

Monday's therapy raised something for me, which is the frame i have for doing things. At a very large scale i think i have values driving things. But when i get closer in, i have more "i'm not doing this because how-Mom-framed-her-activities or how-Dad-framed-her-activities or how-the-dominant-culture-frames-doing" than my own reasons or frames.

Phrasing that i want "to have done" something does help a little, because i think it helps me see that i am not engaging with the doing, really, and the doing is the next step. So if i want to have grafted the scions i bought to the crepe myrtle and fig before they scions die, i need to start thinking about wanting to be outside (yay) with a sharp thing (erm) maybe on a ladder (erm x2) figuring out how to try something i can only try once a year and that the success feedback comes very slowly, sigh, and that i may not succeed because i am still learning. Hmm, maybe i could just graft the current fig onto the current fig to have more practice. And i don't need to get all concerned with "is this really the best place" for the purchased scions, just graft them SOMEWHERE and see if it takes. If they take and i want to move them, that's OK.

Another change in my being is that i am a little more aware of the specific feelings/emotions that i am escaping from (generally to novels). Over my vacation, there was shame/frustration/anger of misplacing tomato seeds. I was aware of wanting to avoid those feelings and thinking about it. Yesterday, Christine was upset about something and also i wasn't ready to really face the outcome of Monday's therapy. So i read.

I am frustrated with the reading because i have a hard time stopping and there are all the things i want to have done that won't happen while i am reading. But i am also frustrated with my constant (it seems) inability to have done things. And that's .. ah, there, that is still a heavy emotion that will be hard to address except in little bits.

Monday i was very very tired after therapy, and i still feel tired today. I am in the muddle of why: am i sick (coughing more - -because pollen? or cold? or?), in a fatigue flare? Or emotionally tired and maybe i would feel better if i actually did something, anything?

I had a virtual visit with a health care provider and have an OK on doubling up on antihistamines. We'll see if that hits this lethargy.

Meanwhile, insane weather. The saucer magnolia is a cloud of pink. Maybe the rain tomorrow will somehow protect it from the frost/freeze on Friday morning.

I was obsessing with retirement through much of February because (1) approaching birthday (2) colleague on Big Project retiring (3) my uncertainty about what happens with Big Project when i retire. Not that it won't happen without me, but more assumptions that i will be there.

I took Friday through Tuesday off, partly as a birthday, partly to practice for retirement.  I don't know when i will retire. I've decided i don't need to really think about decisions until the end of this year and that's if i want to give very graceful notice. Things i am considering though are how well i am ding at work and how well i can manage myself without the big stick of work expectations hanging over me.

This long plus weekend was less than ideal in some ways. In ways it went well, i got outside on the two nice days and made significant progress in the north end of the garden plot. I cleaned most of that end up last year, held back stilt grass. It's now very mulched between the rows and some greens planted. I also set some time aside for birthday celebrations - Friday night with family, Sunday brunch with a friend.

But, broadly a good bit of the time was reading or sitting and poking at my digital stuff. My todo list is in worse shape now. My gardening data is a little better off: after making something complex, i turned around and simplified it so there is a prayer i can keep up. I didn't make progress on any of the miscellaneous to dos cluttering (like installing the new rain gauge). I shopped for new things to do, like some raised beds with my Dad's birthday gift to me that will then have some feijoas (pineapple guava, an evergreen to screen the heat pump compressor and all the power boxes on the wall) and a yuzu in it. Christine has bought a smart telescope for us, which will be very fun because it has an equatorial tracking mode that looks very easy and will make using it in our back yard easy. Watching people do astrophotography on Tokyo rooftops was amazing; our skies are reasonably dark: Bortle 4, "rural suburban transition" which one of the Dutch astrophotographers described as what he would travel to get.

In really good news, Bruno asked to come out of his room a few times in the evening and all of us sat in the living room together in the evening. Marlowe was indignant, but there were long peaceful stretches.  Bruno and Carrie are getting more used to each other: Carrie is still excited to see Bruno, but settles. Bruno relaxes around a relaxed Carrie.  Did have a bad pee event on the couch on my proper birthday, and i think the foam might still be drying out. Piffle.

Back to retirement thoughts: i have lots of vacation banked. I need to practice setting intentions and following through without work acting as the structure and the excuse for not doing things. Plants offer a touch of motivation as they at least have certain unstoppable issues, and the scion wood i bought to graft on the crepe myrtle and the fig is waiting for me in the fridge.

So i have some no-fat ricotta that i no longer need for the original reason. I figured maybe i could make something a little sweet and maybe it could satisfy my sweet tooth -- and it seemed like a good use for my dehydrated mulberries. I found some spice bush berries from 2024 in my pantry, preserved in sugar, and thought that might be a lovely combination. So: ground the mulberries, ground about a teaspoon of spicebush berries, and tossed the sugar from the jar in. Then spooned ... maybe half the small container into the bowl. I mixed, tasted, and ... brain churned, tastebuds argued, and... ah. It wasn't sugar, it was salt the spicebush berries were preserved in.

Oh my. So i mixed the rest of the ricotta in -- still really very salty -- and i read the internet. Apparently there is a drained, salted, and "aged" cheese called ricotta salata. So, i have put it in a filter bag and the tofu press and maybe it will be nice in salads?

H/T [personal profile] https://cmcmck.dreamwidth.org/profilecmcmck https://cmcmck.dreamwidth.org/ and [personal profile] https://minoanmiss.dreamwidth.org/profileminoanmiss https://minoanmiss.dreamwidth.org/ (hope that works)

1 what's your favorite kitchen appliance? My immersion blender with chopper and processor attachments

2 do you have a collection of anything? North Carolina made pottery. A small mask collection. I have large accumulations of books, plants, seeds but i'm not sure accumulation has the intentionality of collection.

3 what's the best job you've ever had? My current role is very satisfying.

4 what's the worst job you've ever had? It was the manager, not the role, that was miserable.

5 what's your favorite piece of furniture and where did you get it? I do not have a favorite piece. We have Christine's grandfather's quarter sawn oak craftsman desk that is meaningful, and the previous owner made a kitchen island with concave front, a cherrywood top and some other wood for the curved cabinet and drawers.  It is a gorgeous piece no matter how many times i catch my hips on the corners which arc out.

6 what's your go-to recipe when you want to make something that requires minimal effort?

Bread and cheese isn't a recipe.... The "minimal effort" is confounding me. Minimal effort for one person is a muchness for another: i think nothing of cutting up fresh veg but it's a barrier for Christine. She makes things that require stirring which -- look if i have to do something to keep it from burning, it's not minimal effort.

7 are you married or do you intend to get married? Married for 35 years this year.

8 do you have kids? do you want them? No. "Want" seems weird to me in this context, although it seems a common enough frame for most people.

9 are you on good terms with your parents? It was very complicated with my mother. With my Dad, for a basic understanding of good terms, yes.

10 do you have siblings? do you hang out with them? My sister is near and we spend time together when we can; my brother is far and we try to make time to video conference.

11 do you vote? YES

12 what's the biggest purchase you've ever made? Our home.

13 what are your hobbies? Currently various yarden activities that are hard to delineate between hobby and maintenance and stewardship.

14 what's a hobby you'd like to get into? I'd like to return to photography, fiber arts (crochet and sewing and fabric dyeing), and visual arts. I  wonder if poetry and writing are still interests.

15 do you collect anything? I am not currently collecting pottery as i have boxes that are not on display, and my mother's collection is in a little limbo. The masks and the art we have is not hung. I suppose i am collecting things that would make living comfortable if the power goes out for an extended time and yard, forestry, and gardening tools.

16 how long have you known your oldest friend? Over forty. Not doing math.

17 are you a member of any clubs or associations? The professional group IdPro. The NC Botanical garden and the NC Native plants society.

18 have you ever changed fields in your career or education? Not during education, but i have gone through a number of changes in specialist knowledge.

19 how many wisdom teeth do you have and have you had any removed? I think they are all removed.

20 what's your favorite beverage?  Keemun tea.

21 do you have any living grandparents? No, but my paternal grandmother made it to 104.

22 do you have nieces/nephews/godchildren/other kids in your life that aren't yours? Niblings are in my life, more or less. I'd welcome them more in my life.

23 what's the coolest place you've visited? Is this temperature? Or hipness? Because when i was in Ohio last week is was 0°F (-18°C). But only a few places i've been to in Ohio seem cool.

24 what's your most recent degree and has it been useful to you? I have not used my certificate in GIS, but would like to.

25 would you rather own a dishwasher or a laundry machine if you could only have one or the other? Er, dishwasher, but there are not many laundramats where i live now. One five miles away, and if that didn't suit, one fifteen miles away.

26 do you make a list before going to the grocery store or just wing it? List

27 what's your favorite household chore? Erm....

28 what chore do you hate the most? Erm....

29 do you have houseplants and how are you at keeping them alive? I bring plants in for the winter, and this year they are not doing so well.

30 what's your living arrangement? who do you live with, in what kind of building, do you own or rent or other? My spouse and i live in a what i will call a cottage, although it lacks traditional cottage style elements. The weathered cedar siding inspired our front porch rework to have raw cedar log posts and live edge, rough cut slats in the railing, with "stone" facing on the masonry. Inside is cozy, cluttered, and comfortable  as opposed to stylish. We "own" it, and will really own it hopefully in less time than the ten years left on the mortgage.

Made it to Ohio! Since my passport card is my real id, i left my drivers license. It was very last minute after taking the shuttle to the car rental place, and picking out a car, and driving to the gate when i realized.

At least there are things such as cabs and delivery dinner (salmon salad!) and colleagues with cars -- this should all work out just fine.

But argh. This is why check lists. Lessons learned can accrue on them.

Dublin, Ohio is far to the west of this timezone. The sky lightens up fairly late compared to what i am used to. That and the latitude, i guess. (It's north to me! 40° instead of 35.8°; y'all who live in real north can just laugh.)

And déjà vu: Sunday flight to Ohio has been moved to Monday. This time i really need to go (or give up). At least the forecast for Ohio temps next week isn't quite so arctic. Never above freezing, yes, but one can see the balmy temperature of the freezing point from the forecast.

Our north slope shaded house still has plenty of ice about. The clumping clay litter for traction ... well, better than breaking a neck. So glad i covered our steps last weekend. Expect this weekend will have Real Snow that can be shoveled instead of Sleet-crete, the accumulation of sleet welded together with freezing rain.

I had a meeting with my product people where i set Worry That We Are VERY AMBITIOUS at their feet to think about.

Christine is getting better but it's still soon after surgery.

Yesterday i could just feel all the stress from the week, the worry about travel, draining away. Some distress over not starting the generator, but it was cold, and cold gas engines are PITA. We have the propane heater and could heat the garage, and then could probably get the generator going, if that was needed. Or let the engine sit near the jeep exhaust for a while. We've done that to the wood chipper. At some point we need an electrician to come help us sort out the power: the previous owner had some way to plug the generator into the house, but it couldn't manage all the circuits. Then the solar panels and the interconnection to the grid was set up. What i would love to knoe is how we could power the pump or HVAC or fridge with the generator. The fridge at least i could theoretically get to the plug, and then plug that into an extension cord (for some hurricane driven outage when the heat and humidity is punishing). But there's a pretty big fridge outside right now.

Today i have been still and dull.

Gas engines frustrate me so. Once upon a time, i resolved i would learn how to maintain and manage them, then our car was stolen and we used the insurance to buy our first computer. I feel so careless of the engines i am responsible for. But the meta-care is more bandwidth than i manage. I want the tools to use to care for the property; why do the tools need so much care.

So i watch an interactive weather map: wind, temperature, radar -- watch the warm, wet air from the gulf be pulled up in a thin wedge, the temp gradient at the front so dramatic.

Then there was the news out of Minneapolis of the shooting, execution of Alex Pretti, and - there is no justification.  There was no justification for shooting Renee Good. And there are others who have been shot, and people suffering in custody, and it is all so wrong.

I have nothing eloquent to say, just to recognize how the harm Trump causes is to the whole world, people and the environment, to systems of law and commerce and science. There's been no reported ICE activity in my county (other than someone being picked up at their parole office visit). I wonder if the conservative politics of the western part of that county shielded the Hispanic community there when the Triangle was targeted.

Here, https://bionicandthewires.com/ . Listen to mushrooms play synthesizers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbP2DgDp890

So weather is forecast this weekend, and by weather i mean DOOM SNOW for North Carolina. Because 3 inches is end of world, what is 12 inches? And then an inch of winter mix on top?

So i'm looking at the weather and my Sunday evening flight out of RDU through Charlotte and i'm just certain, that ain't gonna work.  And i'm just dreading the chaos. (And then i begin thinking of Christine and her surgery recovery and snow and....) So, as i churn, i asked my colleague if he could change the schedule so Monday isn't so important for my presence.  It turns out there's something called a weather waiver where airlines give you a chance to reschedule your travel instead of waiting for your flight to be delayed. I figured i would have to wait until Thursday before there would be a chance to change.

But no. I got the email this afternoon that my flight would be impacted. I've rescheduled for a midday Monday departure, a long layover in Chicago O'Hare/Orchard Field, then on to Columbus landing at 7 pm. That is far more relaxed.

So, tomorrow is grocery day, and i think we need a dump run so i can do that lifting, and then i need to wrap the well with heating tape (the next days are sub freezing and i just want to make sure things are prepared for Christine on the off chance the pump freezes). Oh, we need to keep the  water filtration system from freezing too. And i guess moving the generator and trying to start it..... And check the weight of the salt to make sure it's in a range she can lift.

--== ∞ ==--

I'm a little drained from therapy. I'm realizing i didn't have any reassurance, "Don't worry, it will be OK" growing up and i need to hear that from my inner mother more. I lean a lot on my faith: believing  that i only see a small part of all the things and i might not ever see t that i am helping the world be better place. But there's something different about the "Am i doing it right?" i constantly feel with respect to ... everything. And maybe giving myself reassurance more will help.

And this snow event and travel: 100% waves of am i doing it right, how do i make sure it's going to be OK, ....

--== ∞ ==--

Waffles with yarden blueberries for dinner! Maybe not weight wise, but yum.

( all the airports American Airlines is worried about weather )

Christine's surgery plus work prep for the in-person meeting at the end of the month has sent me into a withdrawal from everything else. The surgery turned out well and her recovery state is far better than the general recovery for the type surgery she had.

The lack of proactive communication before and after the surgery is the most frustrating because it seems so resolvable. I understand uncertainty, i don't understand crap communication. Anyhow, my poking at possibilities on the internet and finding general surgery recovery instructions helped us (over) prepare for after care. I recognize that is my own soothing action:over prepare. Like i took EVERYTHING to the hospital and ended up just reading on my phone (but i did eat my healthy sandwich). Management for her recovery catheter - antiseptics, antibiotics, gentle soaps and various other cleaning things listed in keeping up catheters -- did get used for a few days. In general, she seems to be recovering more quickly than i did from my nose surgery.

--== ∞ ==--

I am heading to Ohio at the end of the month and spent week one working full out on getting clarity on complexities that were being ignored by product in writing stories that the engineering staff knew too little to question, then coming up with alternatives, and documenting the complexities.

This week was trying to come up with ways to communicate the complexities of the new product product wants to build and how that overlaps with the engineering executive director goal. I think i have come up with a simple place to start which can create a common cognitive grounding from the executive directors to engineers, and on which i can add the complexities in an iterative fashion. Next week is a short work week, so ... eek. Four workdays to the next meeting.

--== ∞ ==--

In Bruno news, i convinced Christine we should buy a "cat gate" -- two clear plastic doors that we can tension mount against ceiling and floor to partition Marlowe and Carrie from Bruno, while allowing more visibility, scent, and air exchange. My biggest worry was that if Christine was overwhelmed while i was away, i could at least ease her worry about Bruno being isolated. Christine bought in when it was clear it was a way we could have Marlowe and Bruno more exposed to each other in a controlled way.

It arrived yesterday morning, and we set it up during lunch. Bruno has pretty much stuck to his safe places since. He's clearly learned over the past months the open physical door means Marlowe or Carrie can show up. Unlearning that will take a while, although maybe not weeks. Marlowe has tried hard to break in, comically. I'm pretty confident it's secure against her. It's probably not secure against a medium sized animal intent on breaking through: i think if Carrie threw her body weight against it  repeatedly she could dislodge the tension supports. Fortunately Carrie is a Good Girl and accepted there is a barrier.

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, ( weight stuff, to be referred to as cabbage )

Happy New Year! I had an overly quiet and still day yesterday, distracted by electrical bills and all the confusing riders and charges.  My major accomplishment for the day was updating expiring debit cards across a variety of billing systems.

TIL that a satellite maximum altitude of 67° feels like it is going straight over my head (which would be 90°). Wow,  are there many starlink satellites up there. I stepped out to open the deck door -- although Marlowe has no interest in being out in the dark -- and observed a satellite going overhead and through the big dipper. And another . I checked my watch and then after tea was made and pet feeding staged, checked Heavens Above to see what i saw. Fortunately it's passage through the big dipper was concrete enough that i could compare tracks against the stars and be confident.

Yesterday i made a chickweed and other yard green soup. There's an "earthy" quality -- spinach and beet greens have it too -- that is not my favorite. I added amchoor and pepper, which helped, i think. I find the plant annoying, little fiddly leaves and stringy tender stems, and soup where it is well blended seems the tolerable state. The other abundant green this time of year is Potentilla indica (Indian strawberry -- that's India Indian, not some mistaken notion of native American). It's also fiddly, and it's easier to get 100g of chickweed quickly compared to picking the leaves.

The cut leaf coneflower has some leaves out, but not really enough to do anything. The "forage kale" i tossed out as a cover crop -- turns out to have a really sharp mustardy taste. OK, that's why it's a cover crop seed.  It was fine in small quantity garnishing my blackeyed peas last night. For Christine, i garnished with sorrel, which might have been not tender enough to be interesting.  I have some endives that are surviving -- yowsa, bitter! Too bitter for me and i like bitter!

It's a good thing i'm not relying on my yard for food. The first few years here i had some good brassica beds: i would enjoy having some nice collards again.