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Saturday, June 6th, 2020 05:03 pm (UTC)
It seems reasonable that privileged, tone policing, fragility are all transferable lessons. I've skimmed some this morning and find myself drawn to the white silence as a place where i know my privilege allows me to molly-coddle my depression and energy levels.

I would love to be a person you could count on to engage with you and share. I don't think i am reliable over time nor do i think i am going to follow instructions. I would be happy to find a way to connect on the topic, but don't want to be my hangups about communication to put another flaky person in your life.

I'm wrestling with this answer because you are offering me a perfectly tuned opportunity and my flakiness (excuses! i list them in my mind) as well as my spouse's comment regarding something else (Say no, you are carrying enough) and and and....

anyhow. i send my mixedupness to you so you can see what my silence means.

Meanwhile, your comment in your newsletter about pandemic and gaslighting was illuminating for some of the distress i've had at feeling defensive about my boundaries. Christine and i talked about my mother and how it's hard for me to map her behavior to gaslighting, but she was an incredibly unreliable narrator. It amounts to the same thing in impact, which is the panic i was feeling before a good talk with Christine where she finally heard the affirmation i needed and gave it to me.

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