(no subject)

Quickly journalling in the surprising free time from misreading a 10 am meeting as Eastern and not Pacific time.

And yet, that surprise brings with it many other mental punches: i hadn't realized there was an 8 am video conference meeting. Yikes! It's been canceled. Thank heavens. It's an important meeting and the cancel without reschedule points to a systemic problem. Argh.

Oh look, today's booked. And so is tomorrow. And it's Thursday that begins at 5:30 am.

And then, cascades of to-dos, shoulda-dones, what-abouts tire (i don't know what i meant by "tire" here) throughout my mind.

At the end of last week my mind and self were creeping along, scatterbrained, forgetful.

The weekend came and i glided through the days, attending to this and that, but generally simply flowing with the weather, the light, my inner tides, my curiosity. I spent time engaged with people, hours with MP (where she is willing to help me with job exploration). Sunday morning i met with the old colleague clan, then i was warmly receiving love from the Meeting community as i greeted, sharing back with the clerk, the person doing hospitality, the person closing meeting afterwards, feeling full and blessed. I spent time experimenting with wire, with flux, with flame. I spent time experimenting with cooking apples and tapioca "cream" imagining a layer of apples topped with a creme brulee as a desert: it might work, says experiment.

I held back the sense of responsibility, held it back, held it back -- and this morning it washes over me, tsunami-like. ( I list worries and to-dos. )

And this wall and wave is the back flush -- the work wave hit me, and left me feeling impotent, incompetent, and i turned back to my own little personal things where the cost of "failure" is so much smaller.

--==∞==--

So where do i go from here? I vented here, i brought some semblance of order to my desk and my email inbox, prepared to leave the house.

Breathe.

I know i need to quit acting like a dragon is chasing me, but i feel a dragon is chasing me.

Overwhelm & Prozac

Could my sensitivity be so high that forgetting my prozac dose last night (along with all the other supplements and pills) could lead to the sense of overwhelm and tenderness today?

I'm trying to pace, to breathe, to be conscious of the effective work i am doing, to partition escape/release/relaxation from work. I'm trying to let myself meander, not blast myself like a firehose in the worry of trying to attend to everything.

JN shared with Meeting on Sunday his recollection of a Yearly Meeting Peace and Social COncerns session decades ago, where the gathered had been brought to a depression over the so many causes and concerns that clamored for attention. He described how an elderly Anna Brinton[1] slowly made her way to the microphone, the gathering falling into a deep expectant silence to hear what one of the founders of the Yearly Meeting had to share. "Do less better," she said, JN clearly imitating her delivery, with equal emphasis on each word. And she sat down.

Do Less Better. I can take that as a mantra.

[I also canceled by 2:30 meeting, as the other seemed to have more than enough to do.]

[1] Anna Cox Brinton (1887-1969), see Pendle Hill pamphlets #176 (1971) Anna Brinton: a Study in Quaker Character by Eleanore Price Mather. ( a few more online references about her )