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I know i haven't been in touch with the joys and satisfactions as much as i was. I told Christine about my insight yesterday, that i try to find "the message" of my irritation symptoms, and she agreed that it seems i'm very driven to find the "cause." After a decade of better living through therapy, i can see why i would turn the same tool against the irritations. I am now accepting that NSAIDs and steroids are tools i need to use.
There's a constant thought pattern i learned from my father: what will i do when society comes crashing down (or my comfortable life looses its comforts) and i can't get these meds? I think the fear of future discomfort and distress is something i've learned from my family of origin. Between my Dad's fears and my Mother's perfectionism (which i'm learning are also fears), there wasn't much modeling of how to be in joy. They did pass on the ability to escape out to the natural world, to open one's self to trees and sky and find pleasure there.
Yesterday was satisfying in that i am mostly packed for travel early Friday morning. The ease here, i think, is that i feel comfortable wearing the same thing day after day on this trip. There is a celebratory meal at my parents on Monday, after the Quaker retreat, to observe my father's and my shared birthday a week later: i can borrow a shirt from Mom or L if i'm tired of the blue and black simple layers i'm packing.
There are some financial frustrations: the final reimbursement request i submitted for our 2010 medical flex plan was approved, i was told on the phone a month ago. We still haven't seen the check. The website is now "usable" after a many week long transition over the winter holidays: but the information is far too limited. There's another substantial flex reimbursement request to submit.... Ach, this is my mother, listing all the to-dos. I think i do it to colleagues as well.
There's a constant thought pattern i learned from my father: what will i do when society comes crashing down (or my comfortable life looses its comforts) and i can't get these meds? I think the fear of future discomfort and distress is something i've learned from my family of origin. Between my Dad's fears and my Mother's perfectionism (which i'm learning are also fears), there wasn't much modeling of how to be in joy. They did pass on the ability to escape out to the natural world, to open one's self to trees and sky and find pleasure there.
Yesterday was satisfying in that i am mostly packed for travel early Friday morning. The ease here, i think, is that i feel comfortable wearing the same thing day after day on this trip. There is a celebratory meal at my parents on Monday, after the Quaker retreat, to observe my father's and my shared birthday a week later: i can borrow a shirt from Mom or L if i'm tired of the blue and black simple layers i'm packing.
There are some financial frustrations: the final reimbursement request i submitted for our 2010 medical flex plan was approved, i was told on the phone a month ago. We still haven't seen the check. The website is now "usable" after a many week long transition over the winter holidays: but the information is far too limited. There's another substantial flex reimbursement request to submit.... Ach, this is my mother, listing all the to-dos. I think i do it to colleagues as well.
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