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February 16th, 2011

elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011 05:38 am
Yay, i found the retractable micro USB cable! Oh, and the photos! (Although it a mystery why i didn't find them earlier.)

I am not yet giving up on the remaining two lost items of the list of four things yesterday. That's the bluetooth headset and the crochet kit, although i spent $20 Monday night just replacing the crochet kit bag and the thread/yarn cutter. Replacing the yarn for Mom[1] will be on my schedule for when i get back, and then the blue tooth headset when i get back from the second trip.

In vicious circle news, my dyshidrotic eczema is flaring along with my mouth. I've spent much time this morning mulling over the familiar deep tracks around these atopic and extreme sensitivity reactions i have. Inventories form in my mind: these irritations have clear triggers (stupidly taking a bite of a hot slice of pizza, biting my lip in my sleep), these irritations don't. My pattern searching mind believes there's a lesson in here, that some intelligence is communicating something with flash cards etched on my skin. Don't eat ... what? Don't wear .... what? Don't ... what? Surely there's some pattern, surely there's some meaning: the belief is what motivates a half an hour of ruminating over lists of triggers and stresses. ("Oh, this is because i'm getting on a plane!")

But what if there is no meaning, the cause is some set of genes i inherited from my mother, who looked at her eczema on her hands and read the message that my father was a horrible person? What if the triggers are like playing a slot machine?

I have taken the time to learn my depression, have dialogue with the parts of my self, to find wisdom in the slowness and darkness, and that is helping me appreciate when i am vital and bright. But what if trying to read my eczema, psoriasis, cankers is like trying to talk to a slot machine and divine meaning from the display?

Can i ask myself to just let go of interpretation and meaning, appreciate when the discomfort is gone, take care when the discomforts are present?


[1] What else was in the crochet bag? My first sock and the third sock -- with reinforced toe! -- and the sock yarn and the blue yarn and the template for a cup cosy.... I'm not sure what hooks were in there.