(no subject)

Someone posted something about when folks used to post three or five or lots of times a day: and now all those little entries get siphoned off to other sites. I suppose i do tweet & post to FB, but it's not as meaningful as posting here. And i feel my workdays have gotten so intense.... A year of this intensity, i guess.

I've had more demanding work times: the difference now is i am not as turbulent. Yes, i do get angry at various not-following-through issues with my new boss, but i think i've tipped over to the side where more often than not i can work through issues without writing them through. And it's like that with my parents as well.

Wow.

I was going to complain this morning that the 8:30 am stand up is what has made May and half of June seem so pressured. I'm starting work earlier, a more intense initial start up, and i haven't figured out how to meet the needs i met personally in my own morning time. I used to have the periodic mornings where i would be journalling/reflecting/planning/organizing into the official work day. I'd monitor for fires but the first meetings wouldn't be until 10 am, so i'd have time to bring a reflection or planning session to a close.

I can't complain about an 8:30 start to my East coast colleagues. It's not an unreasonable start time.

But i need to rejuggle and carve out time some time before 2 pm or 3 when my optimism has left me and i'm fighting a sugar craving and (currently) giving in to cup of Real tea with Real caffeine.

But, back to the realization: WOW! It's been many years, but i do feel the turbulence and distress that would lead me to escape is lower than it's been in a long while. Is this a mirage? Last summer in August i was in agony, and by October i was a weeping mess. But that felt different, too, a different depression, one i could FEEL, a different hole i fell down.

I've been off prozac for a month now, at least, and i don't think it's made a difference in mood. It's possible i'm sleeping more soundly, because i'm not waking from the night sweats. Or, it's warmer, so i'm not waking from being chilled after the night sweats leave me soaked. Evidence points to the night sweats continuing, so i'm going to have to look at the menopausal issues around that instead of pointing at the drug.

Let me soak this in: i feel awareness of the emotional competency and resilience i've grown to have. Ah, there's the voice with list of all the competencies i need to develop. That's nice dear. We'll get to that agenda topic at another point. Right now, let me celebrate that, even though many things i would not wish for have happened in the past year, i know my ground and my center. I could list all the bad things [deleting the things that insisted they be committed to text], but let me list strengths and lessons:

I've become aware of how much i won't let myself acknowledge feeling joy or delight, and can now address that dysfunction,
I've learned that walking can be such a wonderful mental health help (as well as physical), and now have a more authentic motivation to resume exercise,
I'm more practiced at sorting out my anger,
I'm developing some habits that help me see my personal growth and goals that are slowly advancing,
I'm learning to recognize the frustration that "once we get past [specific challenge] we can move on" builds....

I am delighting in the idea of camping, the idea of working on the jeep. My craft and creative endeavors are there when i reach for them. Family, friends, and spiritual community are there when i reach for them. I can stand on the deck and enjoy the environment we've created: plants and critters and birds.

Maybe it's the delight of the mild weather and the long solar day. Nonetheless, let me acknowledge that i am doing well, that the list of failures, flaws, and frustrations that i can respond with are not evidence that i'm not doing well, but that i have opportunity to continue to transform and grow.