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<cut text="morning navigational reflections" I planned to get up early today, as my head hurt yesterday and i hardly put in a half day's work. I had mild concussion symptoms of headache, weariness, and very very mild nausea, plus the nose discomfort. I had no idea how often i wrinkled my nose! The oddity was that i was cold, but i think that's because our home hadn't heated up, but Christine had gone out in the warm. I don't think that was symptomatic of anything.
My morning's plans were thwarted by my body, and i'll assume that is for the best.
This three day weekend i want to find a sweet spot of engagement rhythm, one where i do things but don't get all stressed by them. I find myself lapsing into a fallacy that i learned from my mother: the fallacy that everything will get back to normal shortly after exceptional event 354,973 is completed. It's a fallacy because exceptional event 354,973 will be followed by unexpected event 354,974 and them promptly followed by planned exceptional event 354,975. In my case, this weekend's unexpected event is the combination of head bash and first heat wave, the planned exceptional event is the first of what will be quarterly release planning extravaganzas. None of this truly is exceptional: there will always be unexpected events, there will always be "novel" events. While there are truly events that are too much, framing the true normal as exceptional, holding back until things are a mythical normal, means one is likely to experience the stress of "this is a special situation" constantly.
As i listen to my mother, i recognize i learned this frame at home. Unlearning it is hard.
I need to accept that the unpredictable happens and have the reserves of spirit to shift balast and stay upright. I wish i knew more of ships and sailing vessels: i feel i learned to be a craft which was not nimble but oh so complicated to set course, with little capacity for changing course or adapting to changes in elements. I imagine a different craft with gyroscopic stabilizers, fluid balast, and a well coordinated set of controls so that changing direction to avoid an obstacle or to adapt to changing sea conditions or to take advantage of an unexpected opportunity can occur as soon as the decision is made, instead of what seems like my jarring, lurching navigation style.
I'm definitely missing the practices that keep me centered, my gyroscope, my journalling. I've not really found how to add journalling back in when it's not in the morning.
There are other practices, too, i've let slip by the wayside, and new practices i'm trying to get a handle on.
I wonder about the magic of Prozac.
Breathe.
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