(no subject)

We switched to Sonic as our provider yesterday, but ATT managed not to completely switch us. I feared our switch from a separate DSL carrier and ATT as our phone carrier would be different enough from the usual that this would happen. ATT switched the phone but not the DSL. I wonder how many folks have a DSL provider separate from their land line provider. [ETA: Thursday evening: looks like we may be out for a whole week.]

Ah well. We are spoiled and have the city-wide wireless to access until this is sorted out. My connection to my email provider is blocked for outbound mail, and i'm not sure Evernote syncs over this connection. A bit of a pout about all that.

I felt like something lifted from me yesterday afternoon, a switch that changed to "Yes" from "Hide Me." That ties with a physiological change. I wonder about becoming so aware of the tides of my self. Know thyself. Yes, i do (more and more). And yes, it allows for a certain amount of compassion for myself: i don't push and push and push. That helps me not trigger depressive spirals.

As i talked over with a therapist a few years ago: yes, i probably need to be far more intentional in taking care of myself than it seems others need to be. Attuning myself to my own tides of energy and mood isn't some neurotic obsession.

But oh, how those childhood messages of Just Push Through Everything come to prick and trigger self doubt. I realize, too, that i wasn't taught scale or priority. If you were supposed to do it, it had to get done: there were no lessons on how to judge what could be postponed or let go in favor of the important things. And there were no lessons in judging how to scale effort: you spent all your effort, or you were in bed. No wonder it was hard to discern reasons to live: with no differentiation, how can distress be managed proportionally.

Another day of meetings and intensity, plus an evening meeting.

[Came home to find it looks like i didn't post this]