(no subject)

Have doctor's appointment for this terrible hacking cough that i've been dealing with since Oct 25th. I think it's getting worse. Is it asthma? Or something else. Will find out.

Exhaustion from the coughing could, of course, be playing into why i feel at the end of my rope.

First EAP therapist is too busy. Have left voice mail with therapist number two.

--==∞==--

Between the coughing and the early meetings on Friday (and the blues), i'm working from home and giving myself permission to "be sick" in the afternoon.

(no subject)

This ia an email to a friend in Meeting

I think i was beginning to think of my frustrations with Meeting and was thinking about sharing them....

And then i was wondering how much of my frustration is due to health issues.

I'm witnessing the same frustration pattern i see with work. Leadership failings leave me anxious about the gaps i see the leaders missing, i feel responsible for filling those gaps, that then puts a weight on me i resent, lather rinse repeat. I'm trying to be detached (which isn't a word you like, if i recall correctly): for me this means remembering it's not all about me and trying to recognize the difference between my wants and beliefs and the reality. Person X may need to learn something here, is issue Y on my mind because i'm called to care for it or just because i recall a stack of discussions?

This frustration pattern at work isn't quite the same as at Meeting, usually because the answer to the issue Y question is that i see it's going to cause problems for my team if it's not dealt with. And as far as people learning things on the job in leadership positions, there's leeway, but For Crying Out Loud!

So, echoes of work frustrations in Meeting are trauma triggering, and my reactions are not to the actual patterns there but to my past and present at work.

This coupled with my sense of being end of my rope, probably due to respiratory unhappiness, leaves me asking "Why Meeting?" and i have to manage the answerless question the way i do so many when i am depressed: trust that the mystery will be less mysterious when i am healthy.

Meanwhile, i'm looking for a therapist who can do some cognitive therapy and coaching with me around my career depression. I'm hoping i find someone with a compassionate understanding of depression, who is language sensitive and can quickly pick up on the false frames in my narratives, who also has awareness of good practices for career changing and job hunting in the area. I hate the time gap between deciding i'm going to get help and finding someone, but i'll persevere here. I suppose it's a little like the time gap in looking for job, and i can frame the experience as a little practice in the patience for looking for a Right Match.