(no subject)

A good night's sleep, a phone call with someone about Meeting things which was dosed with praise for my listening skills and with laughter, some time with my beloved ... I'm on a much more even keel this morning. Forcing the toxic thoughts to print helps me to understand them, otherwise the thoughts of flit about under sheets of emotions, hiding their causes, and leaving black slime of their effect.

I had thought that much of the work this spring had distanced myself from all the tendrils of identification and sense of being trapped. It was surprising yesterday to see how a day that could easily result in thoughts of "This is so dysfunctional, i feel like we're all reenacting Sisyphus' punishment, and i'm certain there was deceit to be punished. How soon will i be able to leave this job? I'm going to do [action] at the end of the day." turned instead into thoughts just wanting everything to stop.

The old thought patterns are still in place, and i need to be more intentional about my chemical crutch. I think the cup off coffee earlier in the day -- right after the 1 pm meeting that really pushed me into the spiral -- would have helped. Instead, i had oreos, which didn't help.

Caffeine not sugar, caffeine not sugar!

I still can't figure out what got the morning off on such a wrong foot yesterday, such that i did not feel i could be intentional.

I'm starting today with journaling, and i will be intentional with my self care. I will not be here forever. I cannot rescue anyone other than myself. I cannot shield my team from all of the dysfunction. I am doing too much. I am not spreading the dysfunction. I am acting with integrity. I am acting with compassion.