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I was going to try and start answering some of the LJ comments i've felt blocked on replying, and discovered just how badly LJ has been behaving for some others. It's hard for me to tell, sometimes, whether my perceptions of lack of engagement are internal or external. I'm rather certain that a significant fraction of my sense of lack of engagement is me not having engagement energy and not enough time to really read and be with folks' postings. But i think LJ is chasing folks off there.
I haven't quite connected as deeply at Dreamwidth, despite that being where i post (thus no problems posting to LJ as the repost function seems rather robust).
As always, i know i need to reach out and engage more ("curate my comments") if i want a stronger sense of engagement. Then i have a work cycle that drains me or a physical issue cycle that drains me, and i have to isolate to recover. As my energy comes back, i "wake up" and feel like no one is around. I know that that's not true, i know the feeling exists with a full email inbox and voicemail unanswered.
I am left wondering what it is i want from relationships, what i want that is healthy. I know there's a desire to be needed and depended upon and respected: i don't have a great deal of trust in those desires as they have gotten me in relationships that, in retrospect, let me get used up without a feeling that the other knew *me* and cared about *me* the way i was caring for them.
I'm not sure i'll take this question to my trauma therapist: what i know i need to take is the question of how to pace when i have some control and how to pace when i have much less control. How can i take short breaks that deeply refresh me? Compared to disappearing into genealogy research for seven straight hours?
Or journaling "all" morning.
I do miss having the regularly available morning time to journal like this *AND* then be able to answer emails, plan, or research things.
I haven't quite connected as deeply at Dreamwidth, despite that being where i post (thus no problems posting to LJ as the repost function seems rather robust).
As always, i know i need to reach out and engage more ("curate my comments") if i want a stronger sense of engagement. Then i have a work cycle that drains me or a physical issue cycle that drains me, and i have to isolate to recover. As my energy comes back, i "wake up" and feel like no one is around. I know that that's not true, i know the feeling exists with a full email inbox and voicemail unanswered.
I am left wondering what it is i want from relationships, what i want that is healthy. I know there's a desire to be needed and depended upon and respected: i don't have a great deal of trust in those desires as they have gotten me in relationships that, in retrospect, let me get used up without a feeling that the other knew *me* and cared about *me* the way i was caring for them.
I'm not sure i'll take this question to my trauma therapist: what i know i need to take is the question of how to pace when i have some control and how to pace when i have much less control. How can i take short breaks that deeply refresh me? Compared to disappearing into genealogy research for seven straight hours?
Or journaling "all" morning.
I do miss having the regularly available morning time to journal like this *AND* then be able to answer emails, plan, or research things.
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