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Zoom through the work morning, the meeting with the VP, wrapping up some email, then the 2:15 line in my calendar that demarked my therapy appointment approached. I recalled how the last time i started leaving just at the time marked on the calendar and how i was in a rush to make it on time, not very late but a that stress of "Will i be late?" So i left before the demarkation.
But -- ah, ha -- i recalled the discomfort of timing when i marked out time on my calendar and reserved 45 minutes instead of the 30, so i was doubly early. As i drove by http://www.labiscotteria.com/ i made the U-turn on El Camino and went in and asked, "Can i have a box of cannoli?" Indeed, they could make them as i waited. Only as i was left in the storefront did i begin to wonder: how many cannoli? How much? Do they take credit cards? But other than the last question (no, but they take checks, which i happened to have because i was on my way to my therapist), i really didn't care.
I received a box of 7 cannoli for $18, which may be steep if you live in Philly or New York, but i've *lived* in Philly. And i know what cannoli should taste like. And they must be fresh, so the pastry is crisp, not soggy from the riccotta, not stale from refrigeration. Heaven in a box for $18 is a deal.
--==∞==-
Therapy was incredibly powerful, and NM is very generous with me. She spent 2 hours instead of 75 minutes with me yesterday. I left clear that prozac is a fine thing for me to turn to right now. (Just like in graduate school, i can trust that i won't just use the crutch to keep me in the dysfunctional situation.) I drew with crayons just like i have started doing in the evening: she watched and we discussed the state i'm in. I'm curious, driven by curiosity. I do have some boundary/goals that help me make decisions (i'm trying for a sense of depth and dimension in the doodles, a sense of space, like later Kadinsky abstracts produce). There's a strong sense of flow.
We talked about how i have been trying to "explore other opportunities," of my frustration that i am not following through. It's not about "following through," she pointed out to me: she pointed out the process that seems so natural and energizing in the doodling. "You've told me three times today that you want *that*" -- curiosity, creativity, flow -- "follow that process to get there." It took time to tease out the voices that disagree, that want the linear plan, the setting goals, the following the world's recommended process for success, etc. And yet i know that those structures and discipline are not the heart of the method of change.
What will you do next? And i responded as an imaginary sock puppet, echoing all the things i've thought i ought to do but haven't followed through on. What will i do? And then NM offered me a gift in a voice like prophecy and invocation, eliciting what i know of ritual and dreaming and creativity, what i remember.
No, i've not tried magic.
Remember seemed a powerful word as i was leaving, re-member my dis-membered possibilities. I plan a ritual-by-mail, where i send out the parts of jointed paper dolls -- like http://www.theenchantedgallery.com/template.html -- and invite friends from my past and present to help me re-member my self and my possibilities, by attaching a limb to torso with a tiny note and mailing it on. It seems the pass-along aspect is very important as is inviting others to help.
This is the creative way of announcing, "I'm looking," instead of sending a resume. But maybe it's the right thing for the type work i need to find.
When the worry about salary and location sets in, i recall -- REMEMBER -- how the right choices have felt over the years. I will trust that the right opportunity will be right, and clear.
I will follow my curiosity....
But -- ah, ha -- i recalled the discomfort of timing when i marked out time on my calendar and reserved 45 minutes instead of the 30, so i was doubly early. As i drove by http://www.labiscotteria.com/ i made the U-turn on El Camino and went in and asked, "Can i have a box of cannoli?" Indeed, they could make them as i waited. Only as i was left in the storefront did i begin to wonder: how many cannoli? How much? Do they take credit cards? But other than the last question (no, but they take checks, which i happened to have because i was on my way to my therapist), i really didn't care.
I received a box of 7 cannoli for $18, which may be steep if you live in Philly or New York, but i've *lived* in Philly. And i know what cannoli should taste like. And they must be fresh, so the pastry is crisp, not soggy from the riccotta, not stale from refrigeration. Heaven in a box for $18 is a deal.
--==∞==-
Therapy was incredibly powerful, and NM is very generous with me. She spent 2 hours instead of 75 minutes with me yesterday. I left clear that prozac is a fine thing for me to turn to right now. (Just like in graduate school, i can trust that i won't just use the crutch to keep me in the dysfunctional situation.) I drew with crayons just like i have started doing in the evening: she watched and we discussed the state i'm in. I'm curious, driven by curiosity. I do have some boundary/goals that help me make decisions (i'm trying for a sense of depth and dimension in the doodles, a sense of space, like later Kadinsky abstracts produce). There's a strong sense of flow.
We talked about how i have been trying to "explore other opportunities," of my frustration that i am not following through. It's not about "following through," she pointed out to me: she pointed out the process that seems so natural and energizing in the doodling. "You've told me three times today that you want *that*" -- curiosity, creativity, flow -- "follow that process to get there." It took time to tease out the voices that disagree, that want the linear plan, the setting goals, the following the world's recommended process for success, etc. And yet i know that those structures and discipline are not the heart of the method of change.
What will you do next? And i responded as an imaginary sock puppet, echoing all the things i've thought i ought to do but haven't followed through on. What will i do? And then NM offered me a gift in a voice like prophecy and invocation, eliciting what i know of ritual and dreaming and creativity, what i remember.
No, i've not tried magic.
Remember seemed a powerful word as i was leaving, re-member my dis-membered possibilities. I plan a ritual-by-mail, where i send out the parts of jointed paper dolls -- like http://www.theenchantedgallery.com/template.html -- and invite friends from my past and present to help me re-member my self and my possibilities, by attaching a limb to torso with a tiny note and mailing it on. It seems the pass-along aspect is very important as is inviting others to help.
This is the creative way of announcing, "I'm looking," instead of sending a resume. But maybe it's the right thing for the type work i need to find.
When the worry about salary and location sets in, i recall -- REMEMBER -- how the right choices have felt over the years. I will trust that the right opportunity will be right, and clear.
I will follow my curiosity....
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