(no subject)

[elainegrey]

Some years ago, in October, i deeply examined whether i wanted to raise children and decided not. For some years after that, around All Saints and All Souls, i let myself mourn the might have been. Not all potentials can be fulfilled, and i only late came to the realization i *could* be a mother. (That is a story of my relationship with my mother and what i'd been told i could and could not do.)

Last night i dreamt i was looking for a way to have a child. Some of the looking involved riding on horseback through forests and a decaying cityscape where concrete roads above subways and conduits were crumbling, leaving patches of just rebar to support passage. Conference-like meetings and then looking for people directly to ask for help, including looking for someone to be a sperm donor.

I can't help but link the dream to the anniversary, but i suspect the symbolism of bearing a child stands for some other process. The dream mainly had the feeling of sorting out a problem that did not have a strong emotional motivation. What should have been treacherous and frightening -- passing over crumbling concrete -- was more of a tactical puzzle than a risky situation, the meetings were tactical negotiations.

Dear Subconscious, thanks for the memory of what you were up to, but could you be less cryptic? Thanks, the curious self

Comments

[laughingrat]

Huh, that's pretty interesting. I wonder if you sort of quietly put it aside for a few days, would understanding spontaneously arise?