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I think i'm feeling a little better: my main metric is that i feel enough motivation that i have done a tiny chore.
In cranky news: My glasses won't be ready for my travel. I have missed the frames, but i really miss the prescription. The glasses i have are tolerable, and then i have some more attractive frames with a less tolerable prescription (but i'll take both with me on the business trip).
The stalkery over-generous, over-sweet friend has sent (in the past month or so) two dozen roses, a case of crab cakes, and a Yule gift. "Stalkery" because her sense of boundaries is so peculiar. I'm torn about how to respond as i feel the onslaught of giftage is manipulative, but she claims it's just how she shares her joy. I'm leaning towards including her in my usual attempt at Yule or New Years card and acknowledging her generosity then.
I would assume this is all my issues, but i've had external confirmation from others that it is her behavior which is not entirely normal. I'm trying to trust my gut reactions about when interactions are manipulative, as well. In this case my gut screams that she's clawing for a hold on me. The part of me that wants to earn others' respect by giving them what they need (no matter how it hurts me) pulls one way, the part of me that remembers how much trouble i get into when i give in to that care-taking role wants to run for the hills. It's like having two large leashed dogs who want to chase two different squirrels in opposite directions.
I'm trying hard to walk the path of who i really am: to authentically respond from my self and not allow these two large reactions to drive the reaction. I feel almost every interaction is one of a power game, a move where i either move into her strange story of who i am or where i move into her relationship dramas. Negotiating the true response is a challenge.
In joy news: cats! tea! blustery day!
I wonder if joy is actually harder to sort out and i really ought to focus on writing about it. It doesn't seem harder: when i think of the interactions with Greycie Loo this morning - her boings down the hall, scooping her up into my lap, singing to her, her leap to her warm lamp but her willingness to come cuddle with me - i don't need to untangle anything for myself. Instead i find myself thinking more of writing for an audience (YOU), than writing for myself.
Writing for you isn't unappealing: it's that suddenly all the other things i want to do for others clamor for balance. What about the appeal about the memorial meeting, the email from the friend who just bared her fears, the message from my grandfather's wife?
In cranky news: My glasses won't be ready for my travel. I have missed the frames, but i really miss the prescription. The glasses i have are tolerable, and then i have some more attractive frames with a less tolerable prescription (but i'll take both with me on the business trip).
The stalkery over-generous, over-sweet friend has sent (in the past month or so) two dozen roses, a case of crab cakes, and a Yule gift. "Stalkery" because her sense of boundaries is so peculiar. I'm torn about how to respond as i feel the onslaught of giftage is manipulative, but she claims it's just how she shares her joy. I'm leaning towards including her in my usual attempt at Yule or New Years card and acknowledging her generosity then.
I would assume this is all my issues, but i've had external confirmation from others that it is her behavior which is not entirely normal. I'm trying to trust my gut reactions about when interactions are manipulative, as well. In this case my gut screams that she's clawing for a hold on me. The part of me that wants to earn others' respect by giving them what they need (no matter how it hurts me) pulls one way, the part of me that remembers how much trouble i get into when i give in to that care-taking role wants to run for the hills. It's like having two large leashed dogs who want to chase two different squirrels in opposite directions.
I'm trying hard to walk the path of who i really am: to authentically respond from my self and not allow these two large reactions to drive the reaction. I feel almost every interaction is one of a power game, a move where i either move into her strange story of who i am or where i move into her relationship dramas. Negotiating the true response is a challenge.
In joy news: cats! tea! blustery day!
I wonder if joy is actually harder to sort out and i really ought to focus on writing about it. It doesn't seem harder: when i think of the interactions with Greycie Loo this morning - her boings down the hall, scooping her up into my lap, singing to her, her leap to her warm lamp but her willingness to come cuddle with me - i don't need to untangle anything for myself. Instead i find myself thinking more of writing for an audience (YOU), than writing for myself.
Writing for you isn't unappealing: it's that suddenly all the other things i want to do for others clamor for balance. What about the appeal about the memorial meeting, the email from the friend who just bared her fears, the message from my grandfather's wife?
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