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I've been thinking a bit about the Elephant In The Room, and what my needs are. I'm not sure, to tell the truth. I've thought about journaling in more detail here, but I'm not sure the details are relevant. If i thought advice could help, i'd ask, but Christine has professional help in the elephant wrangling. It is what it is.
Mainly, it takes my energy. Do i need to iterate through the points of effort (here)? Christine is thankful and appreciative and, if anything, she is too aware of the dynamic and her demands on me. I don't feel taken for granted, and when i feel like i might be beginning to resent some part of the pattern or dynamic, we talk about it and find strategies. She is supporting me in my support of her.
I think the main thing is that i need to acknowledge that this takes energy and that, unlike in California where i was out of the house fairly often, i am now present much of the time she is at home. The low level vigilance is ongoing. I've thought about going to the library to work. Maybe i should try that. (A great big UGH at the thought, though -- i have the SAD lamp set up, the library opens later than when i start, grumble grumble.)
I do get away from the vigilance when i am working outside, though. It's physical, creative, and i'm in the zone. As escapes go, it's healthy, productive, and aligns with my sense of calling.
I tried talking to my sister a little, but when i started -- there wasn't much to say other than to describe the demand on me. And what did i need to hear from her? There wasn't much, perhaps just affirmation that she's heard me when i say it's hard. And i heard that. I didn't feel like going into details.
So current action plan:
* Stay aware of my sense of balance, and when things tip to where i feel i have to carry more than i should, discuss with Christine;
* feel free to describe how things are going with L (my sister);
* review my self-care activities here.
These include
* continuing to delight in the landscape,
* getting out of the habit of video entertainment every night (I know i'm tired... we're tired... but evening numbing leads to "is this all" feelings),
* having a list of "work outside at twilight" exercise things to do & doing them, and
* interacting with other human beings (camera club, Meeting).
Things i feel i "oughta" but seem fraught with procrastination:
* exercise my ankle and get to a point where i can make some decisions about the need for medical attention or what,
* correspond with western friends and with family, and
* work with Christine as manager in getting photos in local venue.
--== ∞ ==--
On Tuesday i cleaned up a section of our road frontage. There is a small berm of soil right at the edge of the woods. I think it is associated with the power line easement. I like this berm as i suspect it provides a modicum of relief from the road noise. We want to have a visual barrier in that direction (as well as along our eastern perimeter), so my goal is to transplant holly and cedar seedlings to the top of the berm. The road is along the northern boundary of the property, so the shading will be along the road side. There are already some ferns (as yet unidentified) and some fan clubmoss (Diphasiastrum digitatum) growing on the north side of the bank, exposed to the road: they should continue to thrive in the shade of hollies and cedars.
I dug up two cedars (Juniperus virginiana) from the edge of the driveway and installed them on the berm -- much closer than the 10' spacing http://www.windbreaktrees.com/redcedar.html recommends. Well, i can always thin them. And it's much further apart than where they sprouted.
I was delighted to find many holly (Ilex opaca) and more cedar seedlings in the woods behind the berm. I'd like to get some Yaupon holly (Ilex vomitoria): it's a native of the coastal plain, a traditional tea plant that has caffeine. Somewhere i read it is the only caffeine bearing plant native to North America. Yerba mate is in the same genus.
Mainly, it takes my energy. Do i need to iterate through the points of effort (here)? Christine is thankful and appreciative and, if anything, she is too aware of the dynamic and her demands on me. I don't feel taken for granted, and when i feel like i might be beginning to resent some part of the pattern or dynamic, we talk about it and find strategies. She is supporting me in my support of her.
I think the main thing is that i need to acknowledge that this takes energy and that, unlike in California where i was out of the house fairly often, i am now present much of the time she is at home. The low level vigilance is ongoing. I've thought about going to the library to work. Maybe i should try that. (A great big UGH at the thought, though -- i have the SAD lamp set up, the library opens later than when i start, grumble grumble.)
I do get away from the vigilance when i am working outside, though. It's physical, creative, and i'm in the zone. As escapes go, it's healthy, productive, and aligns with my sense of calling.
I tried talking to my sister a little, but when i started -- there wasn't much to say other than to describe the demand on me. And what did i need to hear from her? There wasn't much, perhaps just affirmation that she's heard me when i say it's hard. And i heard that. I didn't feel like going into details.
So current action plan:
* Stay aware of my sense of balance, and when things tip to where i feel i have to carry more than i should, discuss with Christine;
* feel free to describe how things are going with L (my sister);
* review my self-care activities here.
These include
* continuing to delight in the landscape,
* getting out of the habit of video entertainment every night (I know i'm tired... we're tired... but evening numbing leads to "is this all" feelings),
* having a list of "work outside at twilight" exercise things to do & doing them, and
* interacting with other human beings (camera club, Meeting).
Things i feel i "oughta" but seem fraught with procrastination:
* exercise my ankle and get to a point where i can make some decisions about the need for medical attention or what,
* correspond with western friends and with family, and
* work with Christine as manager in getting photos in local venue.
--== ∞ ==--
On Tuesday i cleaned up a section of our road frontage. There is a small berm of soil right at the edge of the woods. I think it is associated with the power line easement. I like this berm as i suspect it provides a modicum of relief from the road noise. We want to have a visual barrier in that direction (as well as along our eastern perimeter), so my goal is to transplant holly and cedar seedlings to the top of the berm. The road is along the northern boundary of the property, so the shading will be along the road side. There are already some ferns (as yet unidentified) and some fan clubmoss (Diphasiastrum digitatum) growing on the north side of the bank, exposed to the road: they should continue to thrive in the shade of hollies and cedars.
I dug up two cedars (Juniperus virginiana) from the edge of the driveway and installed them on the berm -- much closer than the 10' spacing http://www.windbreaktrees.com/redcedar.html recommends. Well, i can always thin them. And it's much further apart than where they sprouted.
I was delighted to find many holly (Ilex opaca) and more cedar seedlings in the woods behind the berm. I'd like to get some Yaupon holly (Ilex vomitoria): it's a native of the coastal plain, a traditional tea plant that has caffeine. Somewhere i read it is the only caffeine bearing plant native to North America. Yerba mate is in the same genus.
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