New boss this week -- someone i managed back when i was managing. My previous manager is a director. He ended up with too many direct reports and so he has taken all his architects and put one architect as an architect manager. I'm sure the burnt-out management abilities i evinced in 2014 have taken me off a list of "able to manage people." I have a little ache that that competency is assumed not to exist due to my poor execution during a period of extreme externalities, but that's pride, not desire. I am happy to be passed over for the management gig, even for such an easy management gig. Four years away from the management position, i still remember the huge weight lifting.

So my new manager, manager G, is someone i mentored a bit. He's got a really formal way of writing and speaking that i've avoided -- mainly because i don't think it helps in communicating with non-specialists. I believe he has a desire to Move On Up. I just hope i am left to thrive on my own and not Coached or Managed. Given the uncertainty, i've a little edgy feeling there.

--== ∞ ==--

I have had a couple cognitive breakthroughs this week. One is partly informed by reading about placebos and the (apparent) biochemistry behind them. I'm not sure whether the article came out and said this, but i was struck by the potential availability of an enhancement for healing with my current therapies. Why not try to use the placebo effect while making use of "regular" medicines? So, i'm trying to think about why i am taking my various meds when i do so, rather than thinking of them as tasks i have do do. I don't know if anything will heal faster or better, but i think i will get a little positive boost from the task compared to my current mindset of, "Yet another thing i have to do, sigh, what a drag."

The more i can reframe as not a drag or a pain, the more i will feel i am living with delight.

And so another insight was just how tightly i hold on to negative while less consciously i do celebrate the more positive experiences. Since giving up the SSRI i have felt "negative" feelings more clearly. It's something i appreciate as they are authentic feelings, but i have wondered where the authentic "ups" were. My therapist and i talked this past Wednesday about how overshadowed the trip to get apple trees and the Halloween outing were by the stress of the uncertainty about under the house critters and the gloomy rainy weather. And we went around it a bit -- i framed it as i had a bad habit, i can't change, she challenged me on that (gently) -- and then i realized just how much i had enjoyed the Halloween outing and the little road trip. I AM enjoying things that i don't think i was really enjoying before. The word enthusiasm came to mind: i have shared with others, with enthusiasm, even if i have been blind to it.

The "ups" ARE part of my life. I AM feeling them. And as i acknowledged that i was overwhelmed by a feeling that is, i guess, awe: intense appreciation for this change. Maybe having this conscious and visceral experience will help me remember to balance how i perceive things in the moment. Monday, for example, was gloomy and dark -- like today. Monday, though, it felt like it would ALWAYS be gloomy. Gloom season is here. Darkness! Today i keep reminding myself how lovely Wednesday was, how even in the low light the saucer magnolia and the crepe myrtle have leaves that glow with autumn colors.

I've told folks at Meeting, work, some local friends, and Facebook about the move. There are some other folks, too, who i need to tell.

[ ] folks who are part of meeting but are not there frequently

--== ∞ ==--

On my list of things to do, i have my forgiveness practice to exercise. The biggest target for forgiveness, i suppose, is the Governor of NC and the legislature. Christine checked and our representative to be protested the law. These aren't helpful targets, though: i don't feel any particular need for "revenge," just voting the fellow out. The Democratic candidate for governor is the current attorney general, about whom today's headlines read, "Attorney General Roy Cooper Says His Office Won't Defend Discriminatory HB 2."

I suppose i could work on forgiving the "new director" of years ago. Again, though, i'm not sure i see anything to forgive at this point. I don't know that i need to respect him, and again, this isn't about reconciliation.

--== ∞ ==--

This reminds me that i am listening to Debt: the first 5,000 years by David Graeber. It's been fascinating as he rebuts the economist "myth" that money evolved out of barter. His argument is that debt was the first "invention" in human relationships and that money was invented to simplify debt accounting. His arguments are based on ethnography and history and not on theory. One revelation, he argues, is that debt evolved hand in hand with a threat of violence and governments. His observations (so far) are that much of the exchange within communities were gift and "favor" exchanges where individuals kept track informally: sharing, essentially, was how communities met the needs.

I guess right now i'm curious to find reviews of this book by experts. I've found a Marxist review that points out that Graeber doesn't critique capitalism. No critique though of any of his historical interpretations other than not examining class. The beginning of a comparative legal review behind a paywall said Graeber avoids legal language and dismissed some sort of negligence.

This is an exercise that is supposed to help one develop and maintain a higher amount of happiness as explained in an online course i took last month[1]. EXERCISE: Think about your best possible self. Imagine yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it is possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all your life goals. Think of this as the realization of your life dreams and your own best potentials. (I'm going to look ahead to the end of this summer.)

I am on the train, returning from work. The walking and the use of the standing desk was tiring at first, but now i have stamina and strength. I am using the time to relax and unwind, so that when i get home i still have some "steam" for ... well, if it's Monday it's writing up or developing photos from the weekend, if Tuesday it's laundry and other housework, and if Thursday it's time to catch up on Meeting email and so on. It's been a full summer of a California in bloom. I've visited Panoche Hills many times, finding some of my target plants, collecting samples i've brought home to photograph, and some lovely nights under the dark skies. The Meeting community is experiencing the heightened sensations that come with change: some are anxious, some are excited. I wonder if after a year of looking inward, preparing for this change, the Meeting might have energy to spend outward. Christine's elephants have shrunk, and we have plans to take some of the California "bucket-list" trips. Coming up next is a trip to LA to visit the MASH filming site and some of the art museums. Work is going well, and there's a good specification draft circulating in the professional community. I feel confident that my contributions are valued at the home office.



[1] Lyubomirsky, Sonja. “Be Happy.” MOOC, The Big Know, January 2016. https://www.thebigknow.com/.