elainegrey

Zoom. Weekend.

Shorts:

* Sweet potato salad: i made with somewhat-soft microwaved sweet potato, tomatoes, cucamelons (aka Mexican gherkins), and raw okra. Not bad and i'll repeat tomorrow with the other half of the sweet potato. I'm sure a more planned salad would be much more delightful. Roasted sweet potato, to start with. Also, perhaps roasted white beans or chickpeas.

* Raw okra is not bad at all. I foresee much more okra as salad. I don't have an abundance of okra such that i'm inspired to eat the flowers yet, but the leaves seem interesting. I just get all whiny about having to strip stems and veins. Okra thoughts brought to you by

Smith, Chris. The Whole Okra: A Seed to Stem Celebration. White River Junction, Vermont: Chelsea Green Publishing, 2019.

* Malabar spinach needs to be dehydrated at vegetable temperatures, not herb temperatures. Also, heaven only knows how long this would take if it was not so terribly humid outside.

* My sister is making plans for my mother's birthday and proposing a

...1960s dress up party! She [Mom] absolutely loves 1960s music when we exercise and shower. I think it would be so fun. We can see their pictures from that time, listen to music, eat hippy food (bonus for us), maybe read some beat poetry 🤟

I would go beatnik style. I think my sister is focusing on the late 60s, when my parents were already parents. I suspect earlier 60's is more the style they remember. Definitely have photos of Dad looking very beat.

* Meanwhile, i've started hemming/crocheting the length of spoonflower fleece i bought as a lap blanket for mom's birthday gift.

* Also, what is hippy food? 60's food? I can manage veggie sausage links in a blanket, carrots with pimento cheese, and onion dip! Honestly, i think Mom would prefer we use all her lovely dishes and whatnot, but she never raised us to enjoy the cleaning up part of it.

* Peaches in vodka have been decanted, the peaches pureed and mixed with simple syrup, and the remaining liquid is very pleasant - a shot in half a can of seltzer garnished with a nice wedge of dehydrated peach was lovely. I do wonder what the liquid's alcohol content is and whether all the liquids should be in the fridge with the puree. It seems much more peachy and far less alcoholic. "Alcoholic" is a poor descriptor, but my words for vodka are insufficient. Paint strippery? A mimed action of that sense of all the cells in the back of ones throat having the water displaced?

* Black walnut leaves and yarrow in vodka are mellowing, too. Yay for bitters!

* I am curious whether onion seeds and parsley seeds are edible. I didn't get a celery seed crop despite trying. I'm hoping that enough fell in the garden to add to my self-seeding cilantro collection. I can't manage to get dill going: so disappointing. Reading about onion seed lead me to Nigella damascena for which i've seen open pollinated seed for sale. That's another spice i might be able to grow easily.

Meanwhile, a small rabbit hole on sprouters this morning. I have one i am satisfied with but wanted a second for sprouting onion seed in small quantities (since it's slower to germinate, etc). I finally decided a jar lid would be the most efficient (have jars, less plastic) and was furrowing my brow at prices and the thought of more plastic. Getting one or two designed with drainage feet, etc was pricy compared to batches of six, but i didn't need six... and then i realized i have food safe stainless steel screen. I can make my own.

* I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do the stretches i've been prescribed. Also, meditation. The social pressure of a bunch of other people being still can't be discounted.

New boss this week -- someone i managed back when i was managing. My previous manager is a director. He ended up with too many direct reports and so he has taken all his architects and put one architect as an architect manager. I'm sure the burnt-out management abilities i evinced in 2014 have taken me off a list of "able to manage people." I have a little ache that that competency is assumed not to exist due to my poor execution during a period of extreme externalities, but that's pride, not desire. I am happy to be passed over for the management gig, even for such an easy management gig. Four years away from the management position, i still remember the huge weight lifting.

So my new manager, manager G, is someone i mentored a bit. He's got a really formal way of writing and speaking that i've avoided -- mainly because i don't think it helps in communicating with non-specialists. I believe he has a desire to Move On Up. I just hope i am left to thrive on my own and not Coached or Managed. Given the uncertainty, i've a little edgy feeling there.

--== ∞ ==--

I have had a couple cognitive breakthroughs this week. One is partly informed by reading about placebos and the (apparent) biochemistry behind them. I'm not sure whether the article came out and said this, but i was struck by the potential availability of an enhancement for healing with my current therapies. Why not try to use the placebo effect while making use of "regular" medicines? So, i'm trying to think about why i am taking my various meds when i do so, rather than thinking of them as tasks i have do do. I don't know if anything will heal faster or better, but i think i will get a little positive boost from the task compared to my current mindset of, "Yet another thing i have to do, sigh, what a drag."

The more i can reframe as not a drag or a pain, the more i will feel i am living with delight.

And so another insight was just how tightly i hold on to negative while less consciously i do celebrate the more positive experiences. Since giving up the SSRI i have felt "negative" feelings more clearly. It's something i appreciate as they are authentic feelings, but i have wondered where the authentic "ups" were. My therapist and i talked this past Wednesday about how overshadowed the trip to get apple trees and the Halloween outing were by the stress of the uncertainty about under the house critters and the gloomy rainy weather. And we went around it a bit -- i framed it as i had a bad habit, i can't change, she challenged me on that (gently) -- and then i realized just how much i had enjoyed the Halloween outing and the little road trip. I AM enjoying things that i don't think i was really enjoying before. The word enthusiasm came to mind: i have shared with others, with enthusiasm, even if i have been blind to it.

The "ups" ARE part of my life. I AM feeling them. And as i acknowledged that i was overwhelmed by a feeling that is, i guess, awe: intense appreciation for this change. Maybe having this conscious and visceral experience will help me remember to balance how i perceive things in the moment. Monday, for example, was gloomy and dark -- like today. Monday, though, it felt like it would ALWAYS be gloomy. Gloom season is here. Darkness! Today i keep reminding myself how lovely Wednesday was, how even in the low light the saucer magnolia and the crepe myrtle have leaves that glow with autumn colors.

I recently read an article about the benefits of talking to yourself out loud. One interesting study result:

[Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, and colleagues] found that when their subjects talked about themselves in the second or third person — for example, “You can do this” or “Jane can do this” instead of “I can do this” — not only did they feel less anxiety while performing, but their peers also rated their performances better. Mr. Kross said this was because of self-distancing: focusing on the self from the distanced perspective of a third person, even though that person is you.

In another study:

The study concluded that motivational self-talk worked best on tasks based on speed, strength and power, while instructional self-talk worked best with tasks that involved focus, strategy and technique. In the real world, this might translate to parallel parking, following a recipe or putting together an Ikea side table.

“My bet is that self-talk works best on problems where you’re trying to stay on task and there are possible distractions,” Mr. Lupyan said. “For tasks with a multistep sequence, talking to yourself out loud can help you keep out distractions and remind yourself where you are.”

I've been wondering about my journalling and one thing i have realized is that the need to "talk through" distressing things is much lower than it has been in the past -- along with a reticence to write in any detail about the elephants. I've started seeing a therapist to talk about the elephants, although i don't think we've actually made that a topic for a while. Self compassion and self care has been the topic of the past two sessions.

[At this point, i wandered away from writing.]

Apparently the self care is a bit tender with me. Christine gently pointed out to me i'd called myself "lazy" when i handed her a block of text

[suduko]

So.... perhaps i should be writing to myself in a self care way. (And, yeah, review time is at hand and i probably am avoiding thinking about that.)

( attempt )