elainegrey

New boss this week -- someone i managed back when i was managing. My previous manager is a director. He ended up with too many direct reports and so he has taken all his architects and put one architect as an architect manager. I'm sure the burnt-out management abilities i evinced in 2014 have taken me off a list of "able to manage people." I have a little ache that that competency is assumed not to exist due to my poor execution during a period of extreme externalities, but that's pride, not desire. I am happy to be passed over for the management gig, even for such an easy management gig. Four years away from the management position, i still remember the huge weight lifting.

So my new manager, manager G, is someone i mentored a bit. He's got a really formal way of writing and speaking that i've avoided -- mainly because i don't think it helps in communicating with non-specialists. I believe he has a desire to Move On Up. I just hope i am left to thrive on my own and not Coached or Managed. Given the uncertainty, i've a little edgy feeling there.

--== ∞ ==--

I have had a couple cognitive breakthroughs this week. One is partly informed by reading about placebos and the (apparent) biochemistry behind them. I'm not sure whether the article came out and said this, but i was struck by the potential availability of an enhancement for healing with my current therapies. Why not try to use the placebo effect while making use of "regular" medicines? So, i'm trying to think about why i am taking my various meds when i do so, rather than thinking of them as tasks i have do do. I don't know if anything will heal faster or better, but i think i will get a little positive boost from the task compared to my current mindset of, "Yet another thing i have to do, sigh, what a drag."

The more i can reframe as not a drag or a pain, the more i will feel i am living with delight.

And so another insight was just how tightly i hold on to negative while less consciously i do celebrate the more positive experiences. Since giving up the SSRI i have felt "negative" feelings more clearly. It's something i appreciate as they are authentic feelings, but i have wondered where the authentic "ups" were. My therapist and i talked this past Wednesday about how overshadowed the trip to get apple trees and the Halloween outing were by the stress of the uncertainty about under the house critters and the gloomy rainy weather. And we went around it a bit -- i framed it as i had a bad habit, i can't change, she challenged me on that (gently) -- and then i realized just how much i had enjoyed the Halloween outing and the little road trip. I AM enjoying things that i don't think i was really enjoying before. The word enthusiasm came to mind: i have shared with others, with enthusiasm, even if i have been blind to it.

The "ups" ARE part of my life. I AM feeling them. And as i acknowledged that i was overwhelmed by a feeling that is, i guess, awe: intense appreciation for this change. Maybe having this conscious and visceral experience will help me remember to balance how i perceive things in the moment. Monday, for example, was gloomy and dark -- like today. Monday, though, it felt like it would ALWAYS be gloomy. Gloom season is here. Darkness! Today i keep reminding myself how lovely Wednesday was, how even in the low light the saucer magnolia and the crepe myrtle have leaves that glow with autumn colors.

--== From Friday Morning ==--

I am still enjoying the amazement of my rapidly responsive computer.

Christine and i are pondering an informal betting application that runs off twitter and the currency is retweets. "#I-bet 5 RT that Youtube gets dates back in the initial page view by the end of the day."

Hrm, regarding the YouTube issue, maybe it was just that one video. Hmm.

--== ∞ ==--

( Reflections on reflections on horror (rather extensive, apparently) )

Christine frames my response in post-structuralist theory and quotes Jean Baudrillard to me, then explains i am attempting to preserve my reactions to real (that is, actually experienced) horrors by resisting having emotions triggered by the simulacrum of horrors (the signs, representation, hyperreality of reporting).

--==∞==--

Meanwhile, i had a delightful day at work yesterday. I had hours to bury my mind in analysis and examination of an issue; it happened to be process oriented. I did a proper UML diagram, i got access to a test system to configure at will, i did a little research, i designed and tested, i documented my process with more diagrams, and emailed around a powerpoint (bleh). I felt i had really engaged, and - OH! how much i enjoyed my work!

If you are really curious, i can share what i have learned about setting up a Kanban board in Greenhopper using custom albeit generic JIRA workflows. I'm happy to share the XML workflow definition if you wish.

I was bouncing with delight at the end of my work, not wanting to get up to go to dinner until i had completed the last slide and the email to the relevant work discussion list. To go from idea to working prototype (which i consider implementation ready, barring team member rebellion) to documentation in just an afternoon (well, i kept working past 6 pm) is so empowering.

I am really looking forward to everyone being away and the meetings decreasing over the holidays! Please, please let me stay well!

My doodle from last night had a form Christine could recognize, but the app crashed.

I've been indulging in wheat and need to stop. I discovered that the Thursday night stop at Krispy Kreme after a couple hours of the Care and Concerns committee concluded at 9 pm was probably due to being at the nadir of my monthly cycle, but i followed that with pancakes (Christine makes delicious pancakes!) for lunch and pizza for dinner.

I see the wagon trundling off down the trail, and i'm going to have to run to get back on it. I feel a dullness in my mind like allergies bring (but no sinus issues): i will blame that on the wheat sugars/starches. (I eat lots and lots of gluten: that component of wheat is not my issue.)

Fortunately the three days ahead will be easy for me to "be good" as long as i don't get too obsessed on Monday with the photographic analysis.

--==∞ ==--

I haven't seen goldfinches for over a month, it seems. The house finches seem to treat the finch feeder as a place to land when the bird feeder station is crowded. It's possible chickadees may hace eaten some of the seed, but it's not going at much of a rate. The other feeder is emptying in about ten days. I ponder putting in more expensive (nut and fruit) feed in to encourage the return of the Stellar's jay, a beautiful blue and black corvid. The problem is that i've watched chickadees fling boring seeds out of the feeder, presumably to get at the good seeds.

The garden is so very lush this year, and we've grown practiced in sitting out here. It's fresh and cool, and Christine has made us oatmeal for brunch. The pots of scented geraniums are in bloom, a rogue nasturtium with near red flowers is draped over a low hanging geranium branch. The pot geraniums have their pompoms on, the blooming gerbera daisy has been visited by a humming bird. I spend a little time every day checking the twining of the runner beans, encouraging them up my random lattice of string and bamboo stakes. The potatoes are sending their vines up and out with a profusion, and i hope for a delightfully productive meal.

We're watching a crow up in the redwood: his beak flashed and gleamed in the morning light.