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Do i freak out this time every year? I really don't know. I don't think i freaked out last year. Yesterday was random tears and dread as i left for work and a call to Christine to pull myself out of a little spinny thought place in early afternoon. I did walk a mile on the treadmill down stairs but i also bought a candy bar. I'm sure i should stop with the chips and candy. I managed to get focussed around 4:50, so i stayed until 7.
It would be lovely if i could point to some dreadful system that causes me grief, but i think, right now, it's just me and my brain. I am blessed in many ways. I am focussing on work because that's where i'm most aware of the dread. My colleagues are collegial and caring, as well as quite competent. My work is rewarding both in compensation and in meaning. There are a few screwy communications and management issues -- from my point of view the (budget, project) planning process is utterly wacko, but whatever. It is always thus between engineering and "sales." (Well, probably not for start ups.)
I don't think i can use the trick of writing around what's "driving me crazy." OK, maybe i'm being oddly resistant, but when ever i start to try it all seems so trivial compared to issues i've dealt with in the past that i have a hard time following through.
I think about quitting but it's not that i have some fantasy of a better job (and the thought of another job: great dread). "Is this as good as it gets?" That's the flavor of the depression. I suppose i am not caught up in the design or planning of things: that's probably the ache. Most of the team is working on Project with a life beyond me: decisions made elsewhere, design work by others. The other set of work is in technical detail hell as the engineer ports it to posix compliance. Or as i poke at the stupid manual pages.
OK, so maybe that is my dread: there is a gap between the challenging design & problem solving and what i'm doing right now.
Lookie there blondie, you did it. You wrote it out. You don't know what the fuck you can do about it, but it's written out. Okie dokie. (I guess i know what "new job" would look like, but my sense of competency is not sufficient to sell myself there. Crap.)
Healthwise, i really ought to write and ask about the vitamin D. Wait, no, i need to get the Evening Primrose/Borage oil back into my system -- i ran out some time back and it's possible that too is correlated with the psoriasis return. First that, then the D.
0. time ------------------------
* Potential things to do:
** [2→1] Visit the Prel--- library (to get rid of books, sooner?)
** [1→?] Find a time to have brunch with St-- Mig-- (March?)
** [2→?] Time from work to attend Berkeley Statute of Anne April 9-10 ?
** [3→?] time aside for taxes and possible "war tax" protest
** [3→?] meeting retreat
** [3→?] wherecamp
I need vacation time for June, so i'm definitely saving my personal days (i'll have 2 in June)
Season begins with 11.67 d, and i'll earn 3.3. If i take the contingency time plus the whim, i'll have used up what i earned for the period.
* Potential 2.5d = recovery time around the retreat and wherecamp if i go. Prel-- library may need a wed afternoon off.
* Whim 11-12 Mar: 1.375 days
w1/9: The Prel--- library visit really ought to be top priority for decrufting and community reasons....
w2/9: i took a day and a half on a whim. I've contacted the Prel--s. I think i'll not spend the night at the Meeting retreat, but just go for Saturday. Wherecamp may be a just a Saturday attendance, too.
w3/9: ToDo: Follow up with Prel--- (need C input scheduling). Also check in with JH?
1. SELF ------------------------
* incorporate more movement into my life
* finish strategy
* sketch out goals for coming seasons?
* need some sort of to-do experiment practice (just the calendar thingie & yams?)
w1/9, w 2/9 no particular action...
w1/3 plan to do ten "squats" before bed because that's part of the exhausting part of cleaning the deck. Try getting in a mile walk/20 min daily. (Did do squats last night & a mile on the treadmill) Just mapped a mile walk at work.
2. F&F ------------------------
* call Grandmama once a month at least
* post things to Granddad once a month
* March: thank yous & spring/easter (Apr 4) notes
w2/9: goal for this week: thank you notes
w3/9: continue to target ty notes. Also, have been thinking about corresponding with nephews.
3. COM ------------------------
* -.Lib continue to focus on completing the review of donations,
cataloging new books, establishing process
* -.over continue coordinate committees. Next fall shift to something else?
* [creek] news gathering every month
w1/9:Continued work on creek news and oversight. A little on library.
w2/9: Lots of energy in these three priorities. Dewey research for library.
w3/9: Need to reinvigorate oversight work, have been on hiatus since meeting on Thursday.
4. WORK ------------------------
* write one story about my work history each month,
good or bad, unresolved, proud moment. 12 months, twelve years.
* [as time? 03, 07, 08?] books picked out by the reading group in the home office
** March http://brevity.org/misc/bestswi.html
** April (on hold at MVPL) Lifehacker: 88 Tech Tricks to Turbocharge Your Day
* performance appraisals
** Feb H-C
** Apr B-B
** Apr S-E
w1/9:No action
w2/9: no action: Goal - finish B-B's late 90d, begin H-C
w3/9: same as 2/9
5. CRT ------------------------
* crochet
** mom's apron for mother's day
** Christine's gloves
* painting the 4x4 meditation painting?
* April is National Poetry month: He1icopter Stories?
w1/9: carried the gloves to the reading group last night but did not work on them
w2/9: Friday "knitting" group. Goal, gloves while watching at least one show.
w/3/9: don't think i worked through any show, but did a white flower during torture talk
6. HOME ------------------------
* Meeting donation once a month
* Plan when to give to Save the Bay, Sierra Club, other orgs with Christine
* box all CDs in CD boxes from moving (organized as can be done)
** my job is to alphabetize
* craig's list the shelves
* DECK
** clean -- how? how much?
** new plants?
* Spring decor
* Beltane decor
w1/9:Began alphabetization, maybe 1/5th? (less)
w2/9: significant alphabetzn. Deck is cleaner. Goal: weekend spring decor (Use some Easter stuff one last time then donate for Harvest Festival?) Get CDs back in shelves?
w3/9: spring decor, started vacuuming ceiling (needed before carpet cleaning). Bought a little bulb garden at the grocery: don't think i need new plants except for herbs. Not going to try vegetables this year.
It would be lovely if i could point to some dreadful system that causes me grief, but i think, right now, it's just me and my brain. I am blessed in many ways. I am focussing on work because that's where i'm most aware of the dread. My colleagues are collegial and caring, as well as quite competent. My work is rewarding both in compensation and in meaning. There are a few screwy communications and management issues -- from my point of view the (budget, project) planning process is utterly wacko, but whatever. It is always thus between engineering and "sales." (Well, probably not for start ups.)
I don't think i can use the trick of writing around what's "driving me crazy." OK, maybe i'm being oddly resistant, but when ever i start to try it all seems so trivial compared to issues i've dealt with in the past that i have a hard time following through.
I think about quitting but it's not that i have some fantasy of a better job (and the thought of another job: great dread). "Is this as good as it gets?" That's the flavor of the depression. I suppose i am not caught up in the design or planning of things: that's probably the ache. Most of the team is working on Project with a life beyond me: decisions made elsewhere, design work by others. The other set of work is in technical detail hell as the engineer ports it to posix compliance. Or as i poke at the stupid manual pages.
OK, so maybe that is my dread: there is a gap between the challenging design & problem solving and what i'm doing right now.
Lookie there blondie, you did it. You wrote it out. You don't know what the fuck you can do about it, but it's written out. Okie dokie. (I guess i know what "new job" would look like, but my sense of competency is not sufficient to sell myself there. Crap.)
Healthwise, i really ought to write and ask about the vitamin D. Wait, no, i need to get the Evening Primrose/Borage oil back into my system -- i ran out some time back and it's possible that too is correlated with the psoriasis return. First that, then the D.
0. time ------------------------
* Potential things to do:
** [2→1] Visit the Prel--- library (to get rid of books, sooner?)
** [1→?] Find a time to have brunch with St-- Mig-- (March?)
** [2→?] Time from work to attend Berkeley Statute of Anne April 9-10 ?
** [3→?] time aside for taxes and possible "war tax" protest
** [3→?] meeting retreat
** [3→?] wherecamp
I need vacation time for June, so i'm definitely saving my personal days (i'll have 2 in June)
Season begins with 11.67 d, and i'll earn 3.3. If i take the contingency time plus the whim, i'll have used up what i earned for the period.
* Potential 2.5d = recovery time around the retreat and wherecamp if i go. Prel-- library may need a wed afternoon off.
* Whim 11-12 Mar: 1.375 days
w1/9: The Prel--- library visit really ought to be top priority for decrufting and community reasons....
w2/9: i took a day and a half on a whim. I've contacted the Prel--s. I think i'll not spend the night at the Meeting retreat, but just go for Saturday. Wherecamp may be a just a Saturday attendance, too.
w3/9: ToDo: Follow up with Prel--- (need C input scheduling). Also check in with JH?
1. SELF ------------------------
* incorporate more movement into my life
* finish strategy
* sketch out goals for coming seasons?
* need some sort of to-do experiment practice (just the calendar thingie & yams?)
w1/9, w 2/9 no particular action...
w1/3 plan to do ten "squats" before bed because that's part of the exhausting part of cleaning the deck. Try getting in a mile walk/20 min daily. (Did do squats last night & a mile on the treadmill) Just mapped a mile walk at work.
2. F&F ------------------------
* call Grandmama once a month at least
* post things to Granddad once a month
* March: thank yous & spring/easter (Apr 4) notes
w2/9: goal for this week: thank you notes
w3/9: continue to target ty notes. Also, have been thinking about corresponding with nephews.
3. COM ------------------------
* -.Lib continue to focus on completing the review of donations,
cataloging new books, establishing process
* -.over continue coordinate committees. Next fall shift to something else?
* [creek] news gathering every month
w1/9:Continued work on creek news and oversight. A little on library.
w2/9: Lots of energy in these three priorities. Dewey research for library.
w3/9: Need to reinvigorate oversight work, have been on hiatus since meeting on Thursday.
4. WORK ------------------------
* write one story about my work history each month,
good or bad, unresolved, proud moment. 12 months, twelve years.
* [as time? 03, 07, 08?] books picked out by the reading group in the home office
** March http://brevity.org/misc/bestswi.html
** April (on hold at MVPL) Lifehacker: 88 Tech Tricks to Turbocharge Your Day
* performance appraisals
** Feb H-C
** Apr B-B
** Apr S-E
w1/9:No action
w2/9: no action: Goal - finish B-B's late 90d, begin H-C
w3/9: same as 2/9
5. CRT ------------------------
* crochet
** mom's apron for mother's day
** Christine's gloves
* painting the 4x4 meditation painting?
* April is National Poetry month: He1icopter Stories?
w1/9: carried the gloves to the reading group last night but did not work on them
w2/9: Friday "knitting" group. Goal, gloves while watching at least one show.
w/3/9: don't think i worked through any show, but did a white flower during torture talk
6. HOME ------------------------
* Meeting donation once a month
* Plan when to give to Save the Bay, Sierra Club, other orgs with Christine
* box all CDs in CD boxes from moving (organized as can be done)
** my job is to alphabetize
* craig's list the shelves
* DECK
** clean -- how? how much?
** new plants?
* Spring decor
* Beltane decor
w1/9:Began alphabetization, maybe 1/5th? (less)
w2/9: significant alphabetzn. Deck is cleaner. Goal: weekend spring decor (Use some Easter stuff one last time then donate for Harvest Festival?) Get CDs back in shelves?
w3/9: spring decor, started vacuuming ceiling (needed before carpet cleaning). Bought a little bulb garden at the grocery: don't think i need new plants except for herbs. Not going to try vegetables this year.
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