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Tuesday, April 4th, 2017 09:20 am

I break the year up into seasons for goal setting. This spring is "getting a hold of myself" season.
pow pow bullets )
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Monday, March 27th, 2017 10:12 am
Spring is going to go gangbusters now.

I walked around the yard yesterday several times - so much growth is on the way. After weeks of watching daffodils creep out of the soil, i feel like everything is going to explode this week. The autumn olive and honeysuckle are already greened up; i found the first seedlings of the cursed stilt grass yesterday. A few potatoes are peaking out of the soil. I just started watering and wonder if i should have started earlier. I suspect that there will be fully leafed out trees next weekend.

We have redbuds and dogwoods aplenty. I went out one day - maybe weekend before last - tying red silk ribbon on redbuds. (The ribbon is rough stuff, meant to be used to bind edges, i think. It has unfinished edges. I bought it to dye & crochet, but it seems an environmentally friendly way to mark the trees.) I still have plenty to mark. I think the trees i found were early bloomers: there seem even more now.

Again, i note how our property with its gentle incline facing the north, seems to be slower to bloom than yards and treelines i observe while driving around.

gardening )

Hmph. Straight from heat to air conditioning? (At 3:30 it's 90°F on the south side of the house, 80°F on the north side.)

--== ∞ ==--

The "Carolina Friends Emergency Consultation" on Saturday didn't use my queries. I have decided it was because i was an unknown quantity to the convener and drafted them last minute. The convener might also be a fairly disorganized/distracted person.

Posted by one of the resource teams was this list: http://www.aforcemorepowerful.org/resources/nonviolent/methods.php . "Lysistratic nonaction" was a new one for me. I did recognize it was a Greek term, for what it's worth. I have depressing reflections on the effectiveness of such nonaction in a culture where women's bodies are not respected.

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, goals. Last week i found it terribly hard to wake up. I think it was the cold, because yesterday and today i woke well before the alarm. I have managed to mostly attend to the "basics" habit. The new schedule has been a little harder. I am getting to my work desk at 8, which is good. Once i'm at my desk has been a different matter.

I break the year up into seasons for goal setting. This spring is getting a hold of myself.

I have a therapist lined up. It was amazing: i have an appointment less than a week from my first call. I'm really uncertain as to how this will be helpful in dealing with being in a supportive/caring role while not getting burned out, but i do think i need to do something before i burn out.

May rapidly approaches, and with it two travel periods.

Goals: between now and Beltane

* execute: basics + plan next day's most important task to do first thing + do most important thing (practices that have slid since the election)
* execute: new am schedule
* experiment: evening habit changes
* plan Beltane season: travel & yard
** need to plan to meet up with people when traveling
* plan Summer+Lammas to be social focus
** Summer social event/s here?
** other summer plans?
** discuss a Summer Solstice gathering with C
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2017 11:44 am
Carrie seems terrified of towels. Unlike drought era California, we do have rain here and she has no choice but to get wet. Not sure how to solve this: manhandling her so that i can dry her doesn't seem likely to help. Must remember to have treats at hand. Maybe some treats while holding towels, etc.

Winteresque weather has returned. We're due some solid lows (22°F). The peony has emerged, and i think i need to keep it protected. It out grew the cover i had for it on the first day -- i need something else. Maybe a sheet or towel over an old tomato cage?

Christine gave me a game camera/camera trap for my birthday, and i think i have ruined it by leaving it in "aim" mode all day on the very first day. Eventually i need to call them for support. Not happy about the fuss.

This morning a near catastrophe occurred. My teapot's handle gave way: it is bamboo held on with wire hooks through the ceramic, one of which finally slipped through the loop. I had a heavy robe on, protecting me from a serious scald. I was able to have a controlled drop of the tea pot, right side up, on to the empty dog bed below, so there was still tea. The thought of that failure occurring at some other more vulnerable moment is daunting.

I can't remember if it was my Silver or Cadmium year resolution that was about habits, but i think that this year is going to be about habits again. I've dropped so many. Some drops may be just fine, but i think others need to come back.

Goals Check-In )
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Wednesday, September 29th, 2010 08:28 am
So, i'm taking more time off work soon. Looking at my calendar, i've been arranging a four day weekend each month for a bit. If i count the personal day each quarter plus the current accrual, it does turn out to be two days off per month. I'm relieved that i'm not spending more time off than i earn as i try to make sure i get the down time i need.

Even if the miraculous emotional state change doesn't seem to have persisted, it is time for me to return to my life. Yesterday, as Christine and i took a very long walk, i resolved that i will "indulge" my need for rest from work a little longer, but on Monday i need to evaluate and make some plans for the not at office time. Primarily, i have things i've not done for months, things i've dropped or put on the floor to accomodate the intensity of work. What do i do about those things? How do i "catch up" without having that need drive me nuts?

Yesterday's creation idea was to do some calligraphy around the injunctions to not worry in the Sermon on the Mount. Text review and finding it wanting for my creative purpose. ) I don't find myself able to write a reminder to not worry that grounds the reminder in an understanding of *why* not to worry that would be also be motivational. Verse 6:34 of Matthew tries to motivate you not to worry about tomorrow because today has its own "malice" (in Wycliff's translation) -- somehow, i find that simply motivation to worry about today.

Anyhow -- i had had a creative idea: do calligraphy as a gift, imagining some lovely inspiration to not worry, but i now believe that one must convince ones own self that the amygdala's fears need to be held at a distance. Rufus Jones calls it the slavery of fear. Each person will likely come to that by their own road.

I'm still trying to figure out what crochet to do on Saturday night when Christine and i have a needlework date.
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Tuesday, August 10th, 2010 06:44 am
It's Tuesday, so that means meeting with the new group we reorganized into at the beginning of ... July? yes... at 7 am. I didn't go to the Meeting's women's group last night (to discus the practice of simplicity) because i choose to come home at a reasonable hour and return to work-at-home after a walk and dinner. I'm afraid i let after dinner diversions stretch out, but the roughly 40 min walk was so good at helping me relieve stress.

I am still living very much in my head and not my body, as mental health benefits turn out to be incredibly motivating. Would i be able to motivate walking on my own? I don't know. The treading water in the pool exercise has been something i'll do alone, and i suspect i'll get back on the bike with its stationary support.

I didn't get as much evening work done as i would have liked, but the time spent crocheting while Christine practiced scales on the mandolin was very pleasant.

The meeting is starting. I realize i need to change my goal/plan check in day to something other than Tuesday.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Friday, July 23rd, 2010 07:13 am
I miss checking in against my plans and my care of myself, but i have not taken the time to set up those patterns for this energetic third of the year. Details of this planning season )

0. Time
Spent the morning reviewing the calendar and available days off to plan breaks )

Other goal areas, from the beginning of the year [Need to review Beltane's goals, too]:
notes from Notebook.app: Y042-Strategy  )
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Sunday, May 23rd, 2010 07:03 am
This article http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2010/20may_loststripe/ points out another area where an amateur scientist can make contributions. I love knowing the value of community observation in the same way i love knowing that there's poetry readings down town on Mondays. It's a possibility there if i ever carve the time and passion out for it.

VIsiting Heavens Above, to see if i have a chance to see the IIS tonight (rain later in the week), i find out about the new "spy plane" http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2010/05/secret-space-plane-likely-an-orbiting-spy-not-a-bomber-report/ It passes over head on the 28th, magnitude 2.8. Another cheer for amateur observers, as the " plane has been found by the world-wide network of amateur satellite observers."

I am completely spoiled by the drought of past years: the rain on the forecast seems strange and unusual. We've had half an inch (at Moffett Field) this month. In 1997 there was 0.57" -- was that the El Nino year? No! in 1998, 8.57 inches:d May 4 1998 4 inches and May 3 1998 3.17 inches. Yow. (The hills get much more rain than Moffett during storms, so the high watershed gets filled quickly and then drains out to the bay.) Half an inch of rain for May seems completely normal over the longer term, but it is true that for the past four years we've not had more than a tenth of an inch. So, confirmed: i have been spoiled by the drought, this is normal weather.


Yesterday was bright and beautiful, although the high was 62°. Not warm. Christine was recovering from a night of insomnia and i was living in my head. We ran a few errands: picked up See's candies for my grandfather's 93rd birthday and picked up Edward from the Mountain View vet we're using. My guestimate of the bill, from years of gold plated treatment in Los Altos, overshot by 50%. I nudged Christine that perhaps we should move all cat care to this slightly closer and much more affordable vet. She now trusts the vet and is ready to do so: YAY. We almost made five months without a vet bill.

So, Edward was bitten near the base of his tail, and has a drain for the abscessed wound. He's shaved there, which slightly overlaps the spot where the ringworm shaved area had mostly but not quite grown back. We're trying to keep him in the next four days. Fortunately he can't quite reach that part on his back, so we took the cone off. Staying in, i think, means eating kibble for diabetic cats instead of running off and commandeering Ms Merry's feeding station each morning. She's feeding the Gang of Orange Cats, which includes the semi-abandoned Marty, the adopted strays Edward and Luigi, and the prodigal longhair Franklin. Frankie, Marty, Luigi, and Eddie seem like the tough guy names they must use when making plans to whack lizards and mice, and when getting into fights that lead to abscesses.

Greycie Lou has renewed her indications that Edward is Not Welcome. However, she didn't seem to warm up to me for years, and i feed her. Bossy biscuits.

In the evening we took a walk to the post office and then to the grocery store. It was good to move and be out, if a tiny bit tiring. The days have gotten quite long, so the sun had not yet set when we got home.


I'm not yet sure how i should spend today. I don't think i'm going to worship, but will join Friends for our continued discussion of the State of the Meeting. I don't want to be away from home for four hours or more. I need to do some care and feeding of some different responsibilities in preparation for yet another hectic week. I think i'll box up some more things from the bedroom in anticipation of the carpet cleaning. One thing that has caught my attention is a birthday gift for Christine that she picked out in September. I'd wrapped it subtly and put it in "my" corner.

I just reread the journal entries from around Christine's birthday: another week of visitors doing planning at work -- but we also saw a movie and a concert. So we did have a low key celebration. I'm reminded of my colleague retiring, and recognize that i had a lot of issues around that.

Ok, let me get some planning going: Read more... )
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Tuesday, May 11th, 2010 12:00 pm
Goals Check-In: Week 1 of 9 (Beltane)

Is it really week 1? So it is -- exhale, as the little voice that likes to build up stress over the rush of time is silenced.

My energy is shifting to more able and more engaged, although yesterday's headache and the current flare of irritations and inflammations is discouraging.

And OMG, next week is overwhelming. And so we'll stop that framing right here and now and say that by realizing the confluence of conference and meeting work nights, i can appropriately plan to take it easy otherwise.

[never completed]
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 06:41 am
I am somewhat obtuse when it comes to ordinal and cardinal numbers of time. OK, i am 2010-1968=42 years old. So i seem to be numbering my years with the cardinal number of years lived (Molybdenum has 42 protons), not the ordinal number (43rd year), except for a few places where i've done that. But i can correct those. ... corrected.

Last week i skipped doing the goals check in because i was over-engaged with work. I skipped the care check in similarly. I've already started thinking ahead to next period, to Beltane, instead. I suppose this is part of the same reaction that makes me want to go to bed early: let me just give up and start afresh.

Oh, curses. Someone at the meeting took a book group book that was left in the library and made a check out card for it (did they completely accession it? Unknown!) and loaned it out. Not the meeting library's book!I hope i've addressed this situation in a reasonable way: whoever made the check out card was probably a past member of the committee not a current one, and i think they crossed a boundary by doing that. But they thought they were being helpful.

The details )
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Tuesday, April 13th, 2010 06:25 am
Upon waking, i remember dreaming about books, personal libraries, and other random stuff. )

I was half listening to the trauma exercises as i was headed to sleep last night -- the voice is rather lulling -- and i was struck by a comment he made about being curious and how that's incompatible with the fear/trauma reaction. That might be why the genealogy is such a great escape for me: it's a space where i can be deeply and persistently curious but i have no expectations around a particular goal. There's nothing in it for me that triggers judgement of my past work -- unlike how i've been thinking of a crocheted gift to my father as very poorly crafted, which triggers a cascade of reflections on other poorly crafted gifts, or how work can bring up, as it did last night, a sense of failure as i realize that i didn't "follow through" on getting details to folks for this that and the other.

I can't loose myself in creating, but following my curiosity with research (but not experimental work) is both an escape and a delight. I am so happy the 'net makes such a deep amount of research possible so easily. It isn't to say that i don't enjoy creating and experimenting, but it's not as much a *recovery*.

the usual )
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Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 07:00 am
Note 1: the batteries on the iPod speaker run out quickly. I rather dislike how it seems to be working at bed time and fails in the morning. The chanting before i wake is extremely helpful. But not this morning.

Note 2: I did dream a great deal this morning. No narrative i can put my finger on. A sense of secrecy. A faculty office in some near abandoned wing of a woods surrounded building, with a derelict access as if from a highway, and an associate hawk's roost. The faculty member and i crash in his office for the night. Is he my dissertation advisor? Past advisor? Undercurrent of sexual tension, but the urgency of the secret work overrides personal interests. That's the only fragment i kept -- probably because i was trying to work out if the faculty member was someone i knew (my real advisor?!) or just an archetype. Also, hawk! There was other movement about in an east coast hardwood landscape -- late autumn, cold, damp, and gray -- and pulling things up out of boggy water.

Note 3: Yesterday evening i rebelled against what i "should" do. I had a tension headache by the end of the workday, again, and had a tiny bit of (near undrinkable) wine when i got home as a slight relaxant. Self medication, yes, and a walk would have been wiser. I helped fold the laundry Christine had started. (Part of why walk was out -- the timing to be at the dryer.) I did have a call from my Mom, and i listened to all the ways she frames herself in failure and overwhelm. It's just her chit chat, her small talk, and i think i manage not to do it myself except for here in this space. I don't know how to tell stories of my day to day life easily without lapsing into the narrative of overwhelm, though. I tried telling her about the digital paper dolls.

Note 4: the care committee i'm on will convene at my home today at 3:30. If you could hold me and the three others in the Light (or however you may frame care and love), i'd appreciate it. In particular, the issues are around diminishment with age and chronic illness, and despair.

Now, to rush through my goals, a day late!

the usual )
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Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 07:07 pm
New haircut for me The new glasses photo doesn't show how long my hair had gotten. I got it chopped off to my usual chopped off length yesterday. This feels short to me, because i do get used to the longer hair so quickly. But then looking through the photos of me in the LJ scrapbook, it seems i document myself at this hair length more often. Probably, when it's long, i end up wearing it up far more often.

"You look so much younger," the stylist kept saying. I think it was how i tried to relax and let my headache drain away while she washed and styled my hair that made me look younger.


Cranky: the global (well, Germany to California) meeting that is at 6 am in CA didn't happen today. Someone decided there were conflicts so he's moving it to Easter Monday. Hello, if you have rigid three week iterations, with a scheduled kickoff meeting, you don't go willy-nilly wibbling it around when other folks may be doing what they can to keep that time sacrosanct.

I don't think i'm really pissed off, just tired of the Not Thinking and Not Communicating.


@RuTemple passed on a quotation yesterday. It turns out it is from a poem, "The Best Friend": Now shall I walk or shall I ride? Ride, Pleasure said: Walk, Joy replied. ~W.H. Davies )

I found the division between pleasure and joy helpful. Pleasure isn't necessarily how i think of my choices, but there is a, "What do i have energy for now?" question to contrast with, "What will deepen my energy reserves?" I think Joy is when that energy flows easily and (seemingly?) abundantly. The choice for the moment may be for something i believe i have insufficient energy, like exercise, but in the longer view, it should help the energy flow better.

To frame that as choosing joy -- which it is -- is a bit more motivating.


I do feel i am a little less depressed than i had been, so i think i'm slowly moving in the right direction.

One of the energy things is whether i should go to Where Camp this Saturday. I "should" go because it is a chance for me to expose myself to a geekdom that i'd like to have more time in, and that's the same way i feel about the Berkeley "Statute of Anne" Copyright celebration.

Spend the spoons or not?

The Copyright thing is off my list with no guilt. WhereCamp is close by and has no logistical issues. I could bike. I can stop by after Meeting on Sunday. It's still hard, but i can't close it off my list.

Current conference line up:
* evening Wednesday 7 April (Santa Clara): “What the Surprising Failure of Data Anonymization Means for Law and Policy.”
* May 17-19, 2010: IIW10 (Mountain View): internet identity workshop
* June 21-25 (Raleigh, North Carolina -- hey, [livejournal.com profile] annie_r & [livejournal.com profile] lola_kristine): inCommon's CAMP & Advanced CAMP.

the usual )
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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010 06:55 am
Do i freak out this time every year? I really don't know. I don't think i freaked out last year. Yesterday was random tears and dread as i left for work and a call to Christine to pull myself out of a little spinny thought place in early afternoon. I did walk a mile on the treadmill down stairs but i also bought a candy bar. I'm sure i should stop with the chips and candy. I managed to get focussed around 4:50, so i stayed until 7.
writing my way through dread )

Healthwise, i really ought to write and ask about the vitamin D. Wait, no, i need to get the Evening Primrose/Borage oil back into my system -- i ran out some time back and it's possible that too is correlated with the psoriasis return. First that, then the D.
Goal review )
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2010 06:47 am
Good morning world.

Oh, Dumb Senator Time, you have taken away my morning light. Pfft on you.

Edward has left the building -- well, the apartment. He's on his way down to Ms M's for more morning noms.I picked the sack of potatoes up to give him a hug before he left. Then, i picked up Greycie Lou: what a feather! She has not entirely taken to being hugged yet. Edward's like a well trained little boy who lets you hug him.

Romeow didn't get his name for nothing. He hugs back. What a sweetheart of a cat!


I did not leave comments with all the posts yesterday where i felt the heaviness of life.

In a locked post, [livejournal.com profile] joedecker shares the advice he's given and feels important to follow:

When it's all overwhelming and just too much, you get through it by just doing the one thing that most needs doing now. (And then, repeat as necessary.) Avoid getting ahead of yourself.

I was thinking a great deal about this advice over the weekend as i struggle with very low motivation. Sometimes it is still hard to find that one most needed thing. Sometimes it may very well be taking care of yourself by resting, by immersing ones self in beauty or nature. Sometimes it's important to move on to another thing, even if the first thing isn't quite done.

Should i elaborate on that last sentence? For perfectionists, for people who need completion as a reward, for people who have been swamped by the coaching culture, it's not clear to me everything benefits from getting finished (particularly finished right now). This is, i think, part of my overwhelm, too, that declaring done, finished is hard -- even when i've broken things into smaller pieces! Ok, i am a perfectionist. (This may be the first time i've admitted that without caveat. Hmmm.)

Well, on that note, this seasons goals, after the cut. Read more... )
Ah! What a surprise! I feel like a dunce -- have i never really thought before of making this time of reviewing the goals a moment of setting small steps for the week???
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Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 07:32 am
This morning i dreamt about being enslaved. It's been some hours since i woke, and i wish some of the details and emotional impact had faded, but i realize they haven't. I don't want to record or connect with the dream at all, though, just as i don't want to recall or connect with a dream some days ago about torture. It's odd for me to have emotionally intense dreams. I'm not sure i want to know what my unconsciousness is doing in the playground of human cruelties.

I've called TIAA-CREF to find out whether i'm forced to "take a disbursement." The letter says, "Now that the Plan has terminated, your interest in the [group, individual] contract is deemed to be distributed to you on a tax-deferred basis." The guy said the plan doesn't force me to take a disbursement. I'm trying to figure out if i can trust the guy's reading, or if i need to hire someone else to read the plan documents. Could i use the Employee Assistance Plan legal help for this? (A free-to-me thirty minute consultation.) First, get the plan documents and see if there's anything in English.

Yesterday i made a few Oversight calls and attended the reading group where we've begun reading _Plain Living: A Quaker Path_ to Simplicity by Catherine Whitmire. She writes in her introduction about her annual attempt to simplify her life with a "management by objectives" practice. While the annual practice seems very similar, i think i might be somewhat different than her discarded complications. I was a little challenged, though.

More challenged, though, i am by what i'm sensing as a Meeting frustration with My Way not being respected and Other People going on too much about Their Way. I want to wap people with a great big compassionate listening stick. However, "Stop it, you're doing it wrong," is rarely the right message. Last one woman reacted against a strongly theistic* phrase in the book. She shared her belief, which weakly theistic bordering on deistic. Having already considered this problem of listening beyond the words to the truth, i found this a teachable moment: i shared how i recognized that there are many ways we can explain how (in this case) listening to an "inner voice" is a better way to determine our goals in life than listening to what our culture tells us our goals should be: there is the "listening for my deity's will" frame, listening to find how my individual path can be aligned to a greater universal path, or recognizing the diversity in our species and how my combination of experiences and genetic inheritance might have a particularly authentic expression in an ethical way of living. M- P- said, "Oh, so you're more about practice than belief," which isn't entirely true: however, i believe the strength of our Meeting's community is shared practice not shared belief. The woman who reacted, though, seemed to really hear what i was suggesting: that there was a way of listening past a phrase that belies a frame we don't believe in and finding the part that's common to both.

* Theism, in general, being the belief that there is at least one divine being with and active involvement in the universe and the possibility of a personal interaction with a human. Deism being a belief that there is at least one divine being which does not intervene in the natural world.

Anyhow, time to putter with goals

Read more... )
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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010 06:49 am
Tribe Hummus, which [livejournal.org profile] DABroots has featured on occasion, is really quite good. I'd been choosing which ever brand was cheapest per oz until one morning i had a bit of store brand left and needed to open the new tub of Tribe. The side by side comparison was remarkable, with the storebrand looking like watery mud next to the Tribe brand hummus with a fluffier consistency. I just opened the 40 spice version for the first time this morning and can taste a touch of the pepper. And, really, this past week has been marked by not being able to taste much but the most flaming of flavors.

While there may have been too much chipolte in the dinner last night for a healthy me, it was just barely enough to taste.

The usual )
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Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 11:15 am
[OS X/Mac gibberish follows] So, i applied Security Update 2010-001 to my Leopard laptop and things seemed fine but were later wonky‡. So i rebooted and things seemed fine but were later wonky. So i rebooted again and found a discussion about the security update. There were a few complaints that sounded like my brand of wonky, and someone snapped that, hadn't we wonky-problem people remembered to go run Disk Repair and Repair Permissions. So i did, and for once repair permissions seems to have resolved my problem. I put my laptop to sleep and things seem to be working fine this morning. [end OS X/Mac gibberish]

This is good, because the sinus infection seems more problematic today, and i don't have the energy to resolve personal tech problems. Just complaining about it has taken a great deal of time.

So, i went through the goals check in and did some quick research, but still felt like death warmed over. So, i'm staying home, doing the team meeting by webex,

That done, i'm off to the doctor.

‡ "Wonky" describes a situation where, after waking from sleep, applications wouldn't open and internet retrievals seemed impossibly slow.
Goals check-in )
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Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 06:37 am
Visitors called from airport, said they'd arrive at planned time. I contacted everyone avoiding the commute and said com'on in. Arrival was over an hour late.


Initial meeting fine with a colleague having a break out session with the visitor she describes as being a young ProductMan. He was very high strung. "Omg VP wants! Need help!" I fear for my employability around "ask how high" VPs who demand immediate jumping. No, i fear for the VP's extremities, then my employability.

I came home at a reasonable hour with a very reasonable commute, talking to Mom, then showering -- trying to relax -- Christine fixed dinner and we watched Hawaii Five-0 (a ghost story straight out of Scooby Do plots, with a certain attitude towards indigenous belief that grated a bit). It wasn't late at all, but when i sat down at the computer to work on getting ready for tonight's meeting i was Not Interested. So insted of playing some game of distract-o-rama ("I'll start thinking about this, but let me first see what's happening on LJ... twitter... facebook... email... LJ... twitter... other blogs... LJ...)

Up this morning, trying to respond in a timely manner to a few things, looking warily at the commute. Time to get going on the day. but i'm going to see if i can do goal check in in 5 minutes -- no but it was good to reread stuff even if no way i'll get to it this week. Read more... )