(no subject)

[elainegrey]

First, a complaint: I'm cold *again*, sitting here with a draft coming off the window, bundled in a fleece throw, drinking hot water, with my bean and tortilla bake settling in my stomach. At least the bandwidth is behaving.

I think the turn to cold and drear has had a strong negative effect on me: i am very ready for spring after such a winter spent depressed and sick.

I'm ready for vibrance and life and growth and being filled with awareness of all the potential and possibilities.

The grey and cold dampens the seasonal response. I played with color on Saturday morning, instead of going to Where Camp. --

I spooked myself with last year. I felt such potential and possibility and i attended the Quaker LGBTQ retreat, Where Camp, She's Geeky, JCDL, and the meeting's retreat. By the time i was home in July, i was stretched thin. Did the food experiment in August, September, and October finish me off? It was demanding, draining, that much i know. But then the emotional darkness of December, the illness of January & February, more emotional darkness. I'm spooked, as i said, and i find myself framing all the going outward adventures of February through June of last year as "costing me" the winter.

Surely, that's not true.

And what i likely underestimate is how my service in the Meeting has grown deeper and more to the core and the heart of the community. My work with Product and Project are more informed, more expert.

I may be depressed at times, but i feel grounded and centered in a fairly consistent way.

This is all very good.

-- So, as someone who finds gospel in the changing of the seasons, today's unseasonable weather (but vital rain!) challenges my sense of observance. I am so glad that the 20th seemed to meet the archetypical spring day.

--==++==--

I forget what the morning held before i left, but i did dash off a quick egg before heading off to meet my ex-Minnow friends for coffee. I brought a gift for P-C of a stamp pad, wine cork stamp, and cherry blossom envelopes from Daiso, the Japanese "dollar" store. I brought a tray of beautiful marzipan Easter candies to share, knowing that at least one of the Friends loves marzipan as much as i. We sat and chatted and heard of travels for an hour until we were totally frozen.

I left at 10 to go open Meeting and act as greeter, delighted to find the clerk of Oversight was preparing the hospitality for after meeting and we had a good chat.

I did write a prose poem right after Meeting. (As i posted by phone it's just at LJ, and i have cleaned up the text hours later.) I met with a clearness committee; the subject of the committee was not well and did not join us. (And, fie, i forgot to call the subject at dinner time.) The clearness committee is made of two others, who are provoked in their own fears as we assist the subject, and i find that i (and other members of Oversight) are carrying them, as well. In particular there's one member of the committee who may turn into a crisis himself.

I diddled a bit in the library on an organization project, and returned home to find an email about assisting with raising the awareness of torture issues. I still see it in my email in-box and can't manage a coherent reaction. She wants to pass on her torch and is flailing it out towards me. I am not called to this work --- but i am called to my role on Oversight, so i answered that message just now, using up my presleep time and energy.

Yes, a little resentment as i face the work day, yet i know i resent everything for making time move on. It's something i need to get over.