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I'm in a bit of a sulk this morning, disappointed that i don't have the brighter optimistic energy i can often tap in the morning. About all i can muster is stream of consciousness complaints.
The photos of my NC nephew & niece trick or treating are sweet, and stir in me a small longing to be nearer family. Yet simultaneously, i look at the slightly anxious shape around my mother's eyes, and i remember the coordination and orchestration of holiday events.
I was in a bright energy place yesterday morning at Meeting, greeting folks, and i hung about afterwards to ask a few folks some questions, with plenty of pleasant visiting. I visited with another Friend after meeting -- and she felt likve visiting with a friend, not a visit to support. That was good and pleasantly social and supportive. I will have to wait for my energy to turn back to something brighter.
I am thankful that i am not below the surface all the time with this depression, but the unpredictability of mood is frustrating. This morning, unhappy with my unhappiness i did find myself wishing i'd just stay depressed. But no. The pain of shifting back and forth is no fun, but there's got to be good in it.
That's a statement of blind faith, i think.
[First morning writings, follow]
Woke with mild blues, framing a failure with the video conference at eight am, feeling guilty about not going into the office to be on the "real" equipment. I've probably swallowed too much anger at the morning meetings and the interruption to my morning time -- but objectively, i have so much control over my presence, where and when.
The manager who is such a flake is back today after a mysterious forced vacation, he's calling the meeting. I should let that be some comfort to me: my release plan is in my head, too much un documented, etc. But his larger more moving parts train wreck is also undocumented and hard to track. (Then there are the release managers in the group i'm in with sharepointed-to-death plans. And whump, the sense of failure socks me in the stomach again.)
I feel twinges of jealousy when i read some posts that seem to indicate a stable and satisfactory way of being. My mouth hurts lots this morning -- it was coming on last evening. I'm not looking forward to the conference this week, worried about my energy and work balance. I don't want to "go to the hardware store," my new metaphor for the energy i do find that is optimistic about doing, about solving problems. Tumble tumble tumble, go the thoughts, when prodded.
The photos of my NC nephew & niece trick or treating are sweet, and stir in me a small longing to be nearer family. Yet simultaneously, i look at the slightly anxious shape around my mother's eyes, and i remember the coordination and orchestration of holiday events.
I was in a bright energy place yesterday morning at Meeting, greeting folks, and i hung about afterwards to ask a few folks some questions, with plenty of pleasant visiting. I visited with another Friend after meeting -- and she felt likve visiting with a friend, not a visit to support. That was good and pleasantly social and supportive. I will have to wait for my energy to turn back to something brighter.
I am thankful that i am not below the surface all the time with this depression, but the unpredictability of mood is frustrating. This morning, unhappy with my unhappiness i did find myself wishing i'd just stay depressed. But no. The pain of shifting back and forth is no fun, but there's got to be good in it.
That's a statement of blind faith, i think.
[First morning writings, follow]
Woke with mild blues, framing a failure with the video conference at eight am, feeling guilty about not going into the office to be on the "real" equipment. I've probably swallowed too much anger at the morning meetings and the interruption to my morning time -- but objectively, i have so much control over my presence, where and when.
The manager who is such a flake is back today after a mysterious forced vacation, he's calling the meeting. I should let that be some comfort to me: my release plan is in my head, too much un documented, etc. But his larger more moving parts train wreck is also undocumented and hard to track. (Then there are the release managers in the group i'm in with sharepointed-to-death plans. And whump, the sense of failure socks me in the stomach again.)
I feel twinges of jealousy when i read some posts that seem to indicate a stable and satisfactory way of being. My mouth hurts lots this morning -- it was coming on last evening. I'm not looking forward to the conference this week, worried about my energy and work balance. I don't want to "go to the hardware store," my new metaphor for the energy i do find that is optimistic about doing, about solving problems. Tumble tumble tumble, go the thoughts, when prodded.
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