Waves of worry

Last night a crash of pot lids in the kitchen, just as i was drifting off, woke me to Worry Mind. The abruptness of the change from Getting Better Mind has made me very aware just how misleading Worry Mind is. Worry Mind worries about both Christine and I and can probably go further if i let it. It's not that Worry Mind is completely useless: it's like a hound that's ready to follow any scent, no mater how frail, to the edge of catastrophe.

In general, it's good for me to have Worry Mind around. Worry Mind caught the scent of my Dad's worry: Dad has eye surgery on Friday and worries he may loose his sight. Dad only let slip his worry for a moment, but my Worry Mind caught the scent and brought the concern to me. "Good boy," i praised my worry mind, "Put it down and sit." And Worry Mind curled up at my feet, and i could hold (can hold) my Dad's worry in the Light.

I'm using jargon in that last sentence to cover up my inability to clearly explain the Practice i've pieced together, a bit of a tightrope walk for my mind. The Practice has gotten easier, but Worry Mind -- now that i imagine it as a big dog -- pulls me off balance in crazy ways, chasing off after things i have no control over, or, worse, runs me around in circles when there are things i do have control over.

So, i worry about the things i meant to do the past week when, sluggish, it was hard to do much at all. I worry about Christine; many are old worries that i'd made peace with in the past, but Worry Mind seems to have dug up the carcass.

Worry Mind is exhausting, and then Worry Mind goes chasing after the "i'm so tired" worry with a vengeance.

SIT. STAY.

It doesn't have to be this hard.

Worry Mind has learned to behave over these years; it's essential for me to have Worry Mind alert me to concerns. Worry Mind, just like other parts of me, is feeling better, feeling frisky, but one night and one morning of antics is enough. Be a good boy, Worry Mind, sit here and Trust. All is Well in the World (in that world i can directly affect).

What i need to find is the part of my mind that makes the good calls, can figure out the right strategy for the competing priorities. I mainly have a magpie mind to help me decide what's next.

Ah well, to the day.