(no subject)

I have pills stuck in my ... esophagus, i guess, right behind the tip of my sternum. I went to sleep last night trusting they'd free themselves on their own. Surely my body would figure out how to handle this? Not so much. One pot of hot tea and some very soft corn bread later, the lump still feels there.

What is interesting is the dissociation between my mental state and my body sense state. Mentally, i am mildly annoyed: i expect that after some time the stuck things will dissolve or become unstuck. ( Analysis of which pill is stuck, how much of an issue it is. )

Physically, i feel panicked. I don't think i would have been aware of my body state some years ago, but my somatic experiencing therapy seems to be effective. There's an odd quivery tension on the side of my thighs and in my arms, as if i'm tensing to spring into action. My jaw is clenching: this counts as discomfort. It is revealing to me to have this dissociation so acute.

Reflecting and feeling, asking my whole self what i need to do to resolve this, i find in the dissonance that i don't feel safe to be injured. I recall a young, small me, refusing to let my father remove a splinter, a rare memory of actually requesting comfort from my mom when i had a terrible eyestrain headache. I don't think it matters why i felt i couldn't trust my parents with my pain, just that i acknowledge this extremely strong mental reaction is a trauma-trained strategy, getting me through the dysfunction of my childhood. I don't need to have it deny the sense of panic now.