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Last night, one of our neighbors who is in some health distress, called. She'd blacked out and hit her head and was very disoriented. This had happened earlier this week and Christine had gone over alone. We both went over this time, and ended our visit going off to the 24 hour pharmacy to get some of her prescriptions and some groceries.
Christine and i react so differently to this experience. Christine seems to feel all the pain, while i realized i was coping by dissociating.
The dissociation experience reminds me of a work event many years ago at the Minnow. At the large meeting of department managers, my development colleagues were all upset. I cannot remember what was going on, just that it was during the very stressful database migration time when our RMDB database was not coping with the load of queries and updates and there was a general sense of division between technical & non-technical staff. I remember that several of my colleagues were in tears. The dissociation is one where all the emotions are so completely suppressed -- the emotions, not my emotions! At the end of that work day, i got in the pool at home with Christine watching me, and in that safe space i cried and cried and cried.
I still feel pretty dissociated from last night's assistance. I suspect there's anger at the injustice this woman has experienced with her disabling injury and the long battles to continue to receive care through various workman's comp insurance companies, as those go through bankruptcies and management changes, sympathetic frustration as she expressed her frustration at "being like this" for fourteen years instead of getting a healing treatment that could have put her back to work. There's all the projected fears: what would happen to us if that happened to me? There's the recognition of how this must be for Christine as she thinks about how her mother lived alone for some years before finally needing to be moved somewhere for Alzheimer care. (And to be honest, i suspect i have iced any feelings about Christine's mother's health.)
I acknowledge the dissociation helps me stay functional, but i also know that my functional isn't thriving. Somehow i need to carve a way to feel this in a way i find safe. Christine wants to "debrief" but was distressed last night and focussed on calming and resting.
I don't want to feel this now. I have a call in less than an hour, i'm going to a conference, my mind is abuzz with too many things i oughta have worked out.
Christine and i react so differently to this experience. Christine seems to feel all the pain, while i realized i was coping by dissociating.
The dissociation experience reminds me of a work event many years ago at the Minnow. At the large meeting of department managers, my development colleagues were all upset. I cannot remember what was going on, just that it was during the very stressful database migration time when our RMDB database was not coping with the load of queries and updates and there was a general sense of division between technical & non-technical staff. I remember that several of my colleagues were in tears. The dissociation is one where all the emotions are so completely suppressed -- the emotions, not my emotions! At the end of that work day, i got in the pool at home with Christine watching me, and in that safe space i cried and cried and cried.
I still feel pretty dissociated from last night's assistance. I suspect there's anger at the injustice this woman has experienced with her disabling injury and the long battles to continue to receive care through various workman's comp insurance companies, as those go through bankruptcies and management changes, sympathetic frustration as she expressed her frustration at "being like this" for fourteen years instead of getting a healing treatment that could have put her back to work. There's all the projected fears: what would happen to us if that happened to me? There's the recognition of how this must be for Christine as she thinks about how her mother lived alone for some years before finally needing to be moved somewhere for Alzheimer care. (And to be honest, i suspect i have iced any feelings about Christine's mother's health.)
I acknowledge the dissociation helps me stay functional, but i also know that my functional isn't thriving. Somehow i need to carve a way to feel this in a way i find safe. Christine wants to "debrief" but was distressed last night and focussed on calming and resting.
I don't want to feel this now. I have a call in less than an hour, i'm going to a conference, my mind is abuzz with too many things i oughta have worked out.
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