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I have a general frustration of "I want to have done X but i am not doing it." And just writing that down has illustrated something for me. I am not sure i have desires about actually doing, but i have desires i want done. That's.... interesting.
Monday's therapy raised something for me, which is the frame i have for doing things. At a very large scale i think i have values driving things. But when i get closer in, i have more "i'm not doing this because how-Mom-framed-her-activities or how-Dad-framed-her-activities or how-the-dominant-culture-frames-doing" than my own reasons or frames.
Phrasing that i want "to have done" something does help a little, because i think it helps me see that i am not engaging with the doing, really, and the doing is the next step. So if i want to have grafted the scions i bought to the crepe myrtle and fig before they scions die, i need to start thinking about wanting to be outside (yay) with a sharp thing (erm) maybe on a ladder (erm x2) figuring out how to try something i can only try once a year and that the success feedback comes very slowly, sigh, and that i may not succeed because i am still learning. Hmm, maybe i could just graft the current fig onto the current fig to have more practice. And i don't need to get all concerned with "is this really the best place" for the purchased scions, just graft them SOMEWHERE and see if it takes. If they take and i want to move them, that's OK.
Another change in my being is that i am a little more aware of the specific feelings/emotions that i am escaping from (generally to novels). Over my vacation, there was shame/frustration/anger of misplacing tomato seeds. I was aware of wanting to avoid those feelings and thinking about it. Yesterday, Christine was upset about something and also i wasn't ready to really face the outcome of Monday's therapy. So i read.
I am frustrated with the reading because i have a hard time stopping and there are all the things i want to have done that won't happen while i am reading. But i am also frustrated with my constant (it seems) inability to have done things. And that's .. ah, there, that is still a heavy emotion that will be hard to address except in little bits.
Monday i was very very tired after therapy, and i still feel tired today. I am in the muddle of why: am i sick (coughing more - -because pollen? or cold? or?), in a fatigue flare? Or emotionally tired and maybe i would feel better if i actually did something, anything?
I had a virtual visit with a health care provider and have an OK on doubling up on antihistamines. We'll see if that hits this lethargy.
Meanwhile, insane weather. The saucer magnolia is a cloud of pink. Maybe the rain tomorrow will somehow protect it from the frost/freeze on Friday morning.
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There are a lot of things I don't actually want to do, but there isn't an easy way to get them done other than doing them myself (like, I need a magic handyperson/household sprit to just appear and do small things and go away with no stress or communication involved.) And I don't have the motivation currently for creative work.
Don't forget that you have a full time job, and having energy for the other stuff is ? I think you are being too hard on yourself for not having motivation/desire/physical and mental energy to do all the things in some kind of timely way. I wouldn't call that an inability, but there are hurdles to getting started/finished, and sometimes those are high hurdles that aren't under your control.
(memory of my mother blaming my tiredness on 'not doing anything', i.e. not doing what she thought I should be doing, which wasn't clear either. I was very stressed, to say the least. She had a "reason" for everything that was wrong, and the reason was me.)
I am looking for more distracting novels, lmk if you have any to recommend. I just finished Ministry of Time, mostly good.
I don't even really have allergies much anymore, and I'v been sneezing. It's the tree pollen, I am sure.