(morning writing, adhd, executive function, f&f)

[elainegrey]

Yesterday was far more peopling than usual: a day of meetings and then went to see my niece play the protagonist in Mean Girls: the High School version -- that goes on forever. (I think it's the full theater version but with softened innuendo.) It might be less painful if someone knew how to set the gain on the mics. My niece and the antagonist both have powerful voices. I wish i liked musicals but recent exposure because of my niece has not improved my opinion of the format.

I continue thinking about my relationship to "doing", and refocused on time not intentionally spent. I've realized by "intention" i have excluded things i will do anyway, which historically included journaling  (although for a number of years that has not been as true as perhaps i need). And meals, and relaxing with Christine. Time dealing with physical irritations and discomfort. Digital irritations: application forced upgrades and restarts.  There are many other things in that category, but i think i generally accept that they exist. The solution isn't adding more overhead -- more decisions about priorities and mucking about with lists -- but allowing for the time in intentions and valuing it.

I'm recognizing there are (at least) two other types of time not intentionally spent: avoiding and escaping. I think once upon a time i was "better" with my avoiding time. When work was so hard for me i believe i spent more time journaling and understanding my feelings, framing my frustrations, and clarifying why i was upset -- and then i could move forward. There were also more of the classic "procrastination" behaviors of doing X instead of Y, which i seem to have subverted in some ways. Now neither of Y or X get done.

I think some of the weight -- disappointment? dissatisfaction? --  i am carrying lately is more about how much time i spend in avoiding and escaping. I may be in a viscous circle where having become more aware of intentional vs avoiding vs escaping time i cannot become unaware. As the avoiding feels increasingly out of my control, my frustration escalates, feeding into the emotional demand to escape. In the past, it seemed i could just escape into one novel, and then feel "reset" and get back to business as normal, but that sense of reset seems far less accessible now. All 11 novels in a series later, still not "reset," rereading a trilogy still not "reset."

Ah yes, another type of time not intentionally spent is distraction, which is possibly a variation on avoiding and escaping, but i think its another class altogether.

Comments

[adore]

I've done every one of these to procrastinate. Yet I also resent the tyranny of time. I need a balance of structured and unstructured time, I think, to feel fulfilled.

that sense of reset seems far less accessible now.

I relate. Sometimes it's the prospect of what I have to do next that sends me back into avoidance instead of readiness, and then I have to sit with why I want to avoid it (even when it's something I want to do, not a drudge). What tends to come up for me is fear of failing at doing it, or doing it but it all coming to naught.

[elainegrey]

Nod. Fear -- of the discomfort of dealing with strong emotions, of the uncertainty, of choosing the wrong thing to prioritize over something else, of getting things wrong, of so many types of failure -- is a likely part of what is going on. Another part is the ADHD difference in relation to time and executive function. I am beginning to understand that i have needs that i need to address. I need to my way (back) to activities that refuel and replenish. Some things i may have considered "distractions" may be the replenishment activities i need in small doses more frequently.