(random, depression, journey with the gas can, y056.barium )

In my growing confidence that i am not the person who is causing the failure to communicate:

I sent a reminder for next week's retreat planning meeting  on Thursday morning (Dec 7, living in infamy), which began, "The next meeting dedicated to [retreat] planning will be Thursday, 14 Dec, 7pm Eastern, 4 pm Pacific on Zoom...." Thursday evening i was meeting with someone in the same zoom room for a different purpose when a third person showed up: "Don't we have a meeting this evening?" they asked.

I wonder if this is the beginning of everyone being in a long COVID haze?  I suppose, given the person,  there could also be an aging component to it.

--== ∞ ==--

I am trying to find a word or metaphor  that isn't depression to describe where i have been the past six months: enervated and frustrated because i was enervated, is accurate to some extent. I believe the management change and my coach change coming fast  after the  first surgery recovery milestone (back to work) were a seed. I believe my expectations for recovery were too high, and my disappointment at not meeting them was part of the malaise. And now this cough since the beginning of October.

Perhaps it's the walk to find a gas station, when the car ran out of gas, but one doesn't really know why the car ran out of gas.  So there, that's my metaphor, i'm on a journey with the gas can

I would like to feel in March, when my 56th year is complete, that (minimally) i am refueling. I think i am currently at the part of the journey where i recognize some of the reasons i ran out of gas, and some of the reasons  why i wasn't (magically) refueled. I feel like i might be trying to figure out how to get the gas in the tank, at this point -- maybe i'm still looking around for a source of fuel. I've made it past willing the tank full, feeling guilty the tank wasn't full,  fixing some of the causes of the tank failure. Some of that sounds very similar to stages of grief, which - yes - there was probably grief and anger about how people "left" me  and the surgery.

Looking ahead:

Resolving the immediate cough will probably take a combination of time and medical intervention. I'm seeing a doctor in person on Tuesday.*

Invigorating will take some amount of discipline/commitment as well as patience as well as compassion for the enervated state. Balancing those three is hard, because my experience is much advice focuses on the first.

• One of the more frustrating cases of "abandonment" is my primary care doctor's inaccessibility. This latest issue has been, apparently, he's been without an assistant for a month and a half, and thus my messages have been unanswered -- i've been waiting to

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(perpetual calendar)

Today is a rainy day. I sit with a view of the north side of the pines and the depths of the woods. I can see the sky through the trees -- the hill crests and drops off, leaving sky to be seen now that the wall of green has faded away.  In the dull directionless light most of the depth of the woods seems dark, but the pines closest to me seem to glow green with lichen growth. I rarely notice the color except on rainy days during winter months.

Earlier today mist filled the woods giving a sudden sense of depth. It's now a flat wall again except for these pines popping out of the gloom.

(fermentation)

Oh, i forgot to mention the vinegar.  Vinegar making si a bit ... unaesthetic. It's sort of letting nature have its way with ripe fruit bits.

Between the end of August and the end of October, I collected two quart jars of overripe figs. In early November i combined the jars into a very tall jar and rubber banded on muslin. The jar has a hinged glass lid, so i couldn't use my fermentation lid. It has about the same footprint, but  definitely more than 2 quarts of volume. I added an almost a whole packet of Cote des Blancs Wine Yeast and infrequently stirred down the solid matter that would separate and float above the red liquid. The sharp alcohol smell was noticeable.

Apparently that floating vegetative matter is the "cap", and wine makers have to manage it. "The cap can present a number of risks, a combination of acetic bacteria, the warmth of fermentation and oxygen could easily convert a vat to vinegar." -- https://wordonthegrapevine.co.uk/cap-management-winemaking/ (Also, i appear to be doing a "cold soak" in advance when i collect my fruit and just let them go to mush in a jar in the fridge.)

In the past week, i noticed how a thick vinegar mother seemed to appear by magic on top of the cap.  Today i coarsely separated the large solids from the the juice (sediment is already separating down). The smell of vinegar was intense. I'm really pleased with the ease of this production this year. I wonder about the volume to surface area ratio that using the large tall jar provided. I'll try to use the same jar next time.

Right now i'm collecting orange peels in the fridge: i'll make fig marmalade again. I've just read about mostadas -- a fruit preserve with mustard -- and fruit mustards. That's a rabbit hole for the afternoon: pondering reconstituting dried figs in fig vinegar, adding mustard (and cloves)....

Meanwhile, i also made yet another loaf of the fermented buckwheat bread. It is amazing in its simplicity and tastes good, and i keep having successful ferments and bakes. Part of me wants to try rye again, the other part of me is asking why on earth i would try something different. I do have some roasted malted whole rye still in the back of the pantry. Maybe i will add that to the next batch?

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