(journey with the gas can)

Ha, i got a glimpse of the vampire! I was poking around positive psychology websites, and found this commentary:

*Proactive personality: “I try to challenge myself.”* Proactive people seek out opportunities to be challenged. This is an internal desire you feel when you want to pursue something and to challenge yourself. One example found in research is teachers who engage in purposeful career decision-making; they are more likely to thrive. Character strengths: Facing challenges and obstacles is the work of the bravery <https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths/bravery> and perseverance <https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths/perseverance> strengths. In addition, I have observed that when I am proactive in pursuing a new work project, I tap into my zest <https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths/zest> strength while maintaining levels of self-regulation strength to take on the right task and not take on too much. No doubt when you are being proactive you are using more than one character strength in that effort.

This is a skill i do not have um, that isn't very refined: "to take on the right task and not take on too much."

In another document was a collection of reflection prompts, "Can you reflect on past experiences and identify situations in which you felt particularly creative and motivated?"

My mind turned to  our recent purchase of an Instant Pot Duo Crisp Ultimate Word Salad Product Naming Thingy. We selected it after reading both good and critical reviews -- actually, there were plenty of critical reviews. But we'd talked about an air fryer before, and our 32 year old slow cooker's inner surface is getting worn in a way that may not be fit for food. The proofing function is rather attractive.

I have elements of zest -- excitement and enthusiasm -- in my approach to the gadget, and yet by the end of yesterday after unboxing, not so much. What sapped it? The sense that maybe the cooker means we've taken on too much (now the unplanned tasks of rearranging the counter and then will need to get rid of things that are being replaced) or the wrong tool. (Will Christine be satisfied with its slow cooking capabilities?) THERE, right there, the acid between my parents, my mother's crippling self criticism, all sopped up by my brain during my youth. It's taken so long to see all of that clearly. The concept of ADHD has helped unlock some of the mystery we siblings had at the dysfunction. But that's the vampire . Some is inaccurate perspectives (seeing unanticipated tasks as much larger) while some is accurate, but with negative spin. And some is a very muted but insidious judgement that i should have known, should have prevented, should have done better.

So, that's an awareness that will help me free my "zest" and patch the holes in the gas can.