(journey with the gas can, health)

I had the most wonderful insight earlier this morning as i settled into the morning meditation. As a child  i learned to box up emotions like anger and dismiss my physical discomforts. I've been unpacking, unlearning. But, ah-ha, i also learned to box up other emotions, like joy. Perhaps instead of "depressed" i can frame my experience as "suppressed."

One of the "resilience" practices was some sort of emotional tracking -- given a time period, what was your most  distressed, identify triggers, etc.  A week or so ago i made my own tracking system where i also track the best state. I poked around on the internet and found a "harmony scale"   (https://www.claudialebaron.com/blog/the-joy-scale-part-2) I think it is very deficit in the middle range, and i think the implication that these states are all on a linear continuum between joy and fear is wrong. But in recognition that "Perfect is the enemy of good," i started with this scale as a way to prompt myself to identify the best state i had in a time period.

This has been a good practice.

I had to add states like "diligent" and "engaged" which seem more positive than "neutral,"  capture my state much of my work day, but i hesitate to label those as strongly as "contented". Frequently those are the bottom of my experience, which is pretty good (and i think better than "neutral"). I added "frustrated" too, because it's something a little more negative than "neutral" but less than "overwhelm". I know "overwhelm" , but  "frustrated",  honestly, is maybe the most negative i might be in a day. I've also continued to use the textual terms from this version of the Subjective Units of Distress Scale (SUDs) - https://lindsaybraman.com/suds-distress-feeling-chart/ . And that's helpful because it captures things like, yeah, sure, i'm frustrated, but i'm merely at the level of noticing the frustration, not stuck in frustration, not pulling my hair out.

I find myself satisfied, content -- and it's only been a brief bit of time, with vacation and a big chunk of time feeling Not Well (and not bothering to record). But this is important to recognize. (Also, i am still in the delight of Not Coughing All The Time.) And one time i recognized that walking Carrie at night in an area with street lights but not enough development to make it really busy -- that had moments of quiet joy. I can cultivate those quiet joys.

I think, with so much suppressed, i haven't had the resolution to see all the gradations. Awe, incredible magnificence, or nothing. But this is training myself to see the experiences that are available as ground for happiness.

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, i shut down on Thursday and read three novels to not notice my embodied self after an evening and night of nausea. Gently back to work yesterday.... and i better go get a walk now before it rains. The weather has been bizarre warm after some keep the tap running to protect the well from freezing cold. Not helping the sense of physical well being.