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Yesterday's wishing exercise felt good to me. I felt that by stating some wishes that were obviously impossible i made some space to listen to parts of me that are frustrated and angry. For example, I am aware how much i want to feel healthy and well. Last therapy session's break through was about how scared i am to claim when i do feel well for fear of disappointing that desire when i no longer feel well. So that deep desire, need, want, wish, needs to come forward.
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songquake commented on how much the wishes sounded like self criticisms. I reread them and i see how that read can be there. There are things that one could change and things that one can't and they're all jumbled together.
I think one is the "i wish i could crochet faster." Songquake is right that the real wish is something else: i wish i could make all the projects that i visualize. Part of it is the unreasonable, impossible wish: i don't want to have to practice making beaded ropes before i master them. I want to master them immediately so i can then create what i have in mind.
The good news, though, as i reread those and think about Songquake's suggestion to wish actions, is that my current actions are (mostly) aligned with my deeper wishes (desires, dreams). I'm pointed towards what i want; i just want to be there already. [The work realm is where the alignment isn't as good as i would like.] The wishes that came out were mostly wishing the road were clear and shorter.
Yup, i'm irritated that making a crocheted rope is not coming to me like ... um ... managing a server. I wish i mastered it. I wish i made beautiful crocheted beaded ropes in moments.
There are things that come to me quickly, that i do master quickly, and there are alternatives to beaded ropes when making jewelry. Then there are things where there are no alternatives: building habits is hard for me, but i don't see any way around working to develop those.
One thing not evident in the writing is the solutions that came to mind as i was naming things. The desire for perfect furniture for the living room triggered an idea of putting the video display over the fireplace, creating a single point of focus in the room as opposed to the current dual focus. That will make setting up L shaped seating easier (and we'd found a really fabulous L).
Healthwise:
* Large canker visible on lip is now at day four, i think. It's inflamed, but i don't think it's causing a greater malaise. I have otherwise not been paying attention to sores in particular, saying to myself that i am Much Better than this summer, and i'm back to a normal-for-me quantity of aphthous ulcers. Should i be monitoring, logging, counting? I'm trying the "if i ignore it maybe it will go away" mode, which i don't think is working. On the other hand, it's not hurting. I may start collecting statistics in March.
* I've hoped all week that the sore throat is really an ulcer in the far back, a condition i've had diagnosed by a doctor before.
* Sore throat. OK if it's not an ulcer, maybe it's from sinus drainage. Because despite taking the powerful antihistamine EVERY DAY for the past couple of months, i do have some congestion. Could be allergies, still.
* And postnasal drip can also trigger asthma, so i've had my maintenance inhaler refilled. And last night i couldn't find it. So i'm took the palliative inhaler. I'll find it, i hope. I'm blaming the tightness in my chest and the occasional cough on asthma.
All of this together ties up as "you have a cold," which the body ache seems to confirm. I'd also written it off as psychosomatic: "You really don't like the idea of working with the colleague who was visiting Monday and Tuesday," but yesterday i was still tired after the 45 minutes of the webex. (I talk too much.)
Yesterday i took the afternoon off work and reclined and read the whole afternoon.
I hate this sort of mild illness. I know i'm not supposed to do what my mother does, which is push through the thing, because she adds MONTHS of being under the weather and frequently gets walking pneumonia and so on. I can learn! Really! But -- ach -- "I'm Not Dead Yet" so shouldn't i be working?
Meanwhile, my colleague's wife's cancer has now partially paralyzed her vocal cords, making breathing difficult. They're trying one drug thing before going to a tracheotomy. Meanwhile, her cancer is not responding to the current chemo so she's moving on to something that will likely damage her heart. From her blog, "This is the last chemo before clinical trials. So then I am into experimental stuff and it is just for the good of science."
Here i whine about my canker sores (my colleague pointed out that one of his wife's cancer drugs gave her cankers, and we discussed how medical science has found that pretty much the only thing you can do is apply topical anesthetics) and low energy.
I know comparing is not what life is about, but all sorts of little voices use their situation to apply guilt in a variety of ways: "Look at how active their family is! And what do you do? Squat!" These voices are mostly not rational. (I tried transcribing others but they didn't make sense AT ALL. When i tried to clarify what their point was, they ran away.) The one voice that seems to stay is this one simple comparison which (a) is not true in its evaluation of me, i do not do "squat" but actually do many things (b) is based on a thin slice of evidence about their life, which i extrapolate into the most active, most involved possibility (like given a brick, extrapolating a city).
songquake commented on how much the wishes sounded like self criticisms. I reread them and i see how that read can be there. There are things that one could change and things that one can't and they're all jumbled together.I think one is the "i wish i could crochet faster." Songquake is right that the real wish is something else: i wish i could make all the projects that i visualize. Part of it is the unreasonable, impossible wish: i don't want to have to practice making beaded ropes before i master them. I want to master them immediately so i can then create what i have in mind.
The good news, though, as i reread those and think about Songquake's suggestion to wish actions, is that my current actions are (mostly) aligned with my deeper wishes (desires, dreams). I'm pointed towards what i want; i just want to be there already. [The work realm is where the alignment isn't as good as i would like.] The wishes that came out were mostly wishing the road were clear and shorter.
Yup, i'm irritated that making a crocheted rope is not coming to me like ... um ... managing a server. I wish i mastered it. I wish i made beautiful crocheted beaded ropes in moments.
There are things that come to me quickly, that i do master quickly, and there are alternatives to beaded ropes when making jewelry. Then there are things where there are no alternatives: building habits is hard for me, but i don't see any way around working to develop those.
One thing not evident in the writing is the solutions that came to mind as i was naming things. The desire for perfect furniture for the living room triggered an idea of putting the video display over the fireplace, creating a single point of focus in the room as opposed to the current dual focus. That will make setting up L shaped seating easier (and we'd found a really fabulous L).
Healthwise:
* Large canker visible on lip is now at day four, i think. It's inflamed, but i don't think it's causing a greater malaise. I have otherwise not been paying attention to sores in particular, saying to myself that i am Much Better than this summer, and i'm back to a normal-for-me quantity of aphthous ulcers. Should i be monitoring, logging, counting? I'm trying the "if i ignore it maybe it will go away" mode, which i don't think is working. On the other hand, it's not hurting. I may start collecting statistics in March.
* I've hoped all week that the sore throat is really an ulcer in the far back, a condition i've had diagnosed by a doctor before.
* Sore throat. OK if it's not an ulcer, maybe it's from sinus drainage. Because despite taking the powerful antihistamine EVERY DAY for the past couple of months, i do have some congestion. Could be allergies, still.
* And postnasal drip can also trigger asthma, so i've had my maintenance inhaler refilled. And last night i couldn't find it. So i'm took the palliative inhaler. I'll find it, i hope. I'm blaming the tightness in my chest and the occasional cough on asthma.
All of this together ties up as "you have a cold," which the body ache seems to confirm. I'd also written it off as psychosomatic: "You really don't like the idea of working with the colleague who was visiting Monday and Tuesday," but yesterday i was still tired after the 45 minutes of the webex. (I talk too much.)
Yesterday i took the afternoon off work and reclined and read the whole afternoon.
I hate this sort of mild illness. I know i'm not supposed to do what my mother does, which is push through the thing, because she adds MONTHS of being under the weather and frequently gets walking pneumonia and so on. I can learn! Really! But -- ach -- "I'm Not Dead Yet" so shouldn't i be working?
Meanwhile, my colleague's wife's cancer has now partially paralyzed her vocal cords, making breathing difficult. They're trying one drug thing before going to a tracheotomy. Meanwhile, her cancer is not responding to the current chemo so she's moving on to something that will likely damage her heart. From her blog, "This is the last chemo before clinical trials. So then I am into experimental stuff and it is just for the good of science."
Here i whine about my canker sores (my colleague pointed out that one of his wife's cancer drugs gave her cankers, and we discussed how medical science has found that pretty much the only thing you can do is apply topical anesthetics) and low energy.
I know comparing is not what life is about, but all sorts of little voices use their situation to apply guilt in a variety of ways: "Look at how active their family is! And what do you do? Squat!" These voices are mostly not rational. (I tried transcribing others but they didn't make sense AT ALL. When i tried to clarify what their point was, they ran away.) The one voice that seems to stay is this one simple comparison which (a) is not true in its evaluation of me, i do not do "squat" but actually do many things (b) is based on a thin slice of evidence about their life, which i extrapolate into the most active, most involved possibility (like given a brick, extrapolating a city).
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