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I griped last night, tired and weary, so i'll balance a little this morning. I believe my boss respects me. He's a pleasant person, and he's pleasant to me. He doesn't hold a grudge that i've told him critical things about his performance. It may, in fact, be the last one that is most special, and i may not be valuing as much as i should. In fact, he's probably an average boss, and not a bad boss. He is completely out of my way, and he has not shown any inclination to do things like pass along blame, point fingers, or take credit.
One wonders whether he would actually do a great job if he weren't over committed in the way he is.
--==∞==--
We're "wikifying" our Meeting's library. We wanted to come up with a way to get continuous feedback on what was missing and what was needed on the shelves. We discussed a multitude of digital solutions. Our current solution involves a stack of composition books scattered through the library and assigned to shelf ranges in which we will encourage people to comment.
We need to write instructions to tip into each book and send an announcement to the community, but after the early meeting-heavy work day, i appreciated the task of sticking hot pink stickers on the book to make them more visible, and the physicality of determining how we would scatter them through the collection. My other committee member and i went ahead and arranged some shelves that had been somewhat jumbled, so all the poetry is in one place and the multiple biography is with the biography. The shelf numbers now consistently increase, left to right, top to bottom, across the three shelf sections on the main shelved wall.
I felt much better after the committee meeting, the silent worship twice no doubt soothing. Usually we just sit in silence when we begin, but one of the committee members stopped by late. He was sick, didn't want to stay, but he wanted to sit in worship and i was glad for another silent time.
I wish all my work meetings started with a silence that could stretch on for minutes, where we cleared our minds and dropped urgency and worry and must-get-this-resolved in the next 30 minutes.
--==∞==--
Driving to the committee meeting i could feel the tension in me, the depression, the trapped-animal feeling. The questions of escape rushed around in my head. And then i reminded myself of some decisions i'd made in late April. I DO have a vision of a better-for-me work, i have a rough roadmap. That vision, when i have access to it, seems deeply engaging for me. In the planning there's some artificial but useful time lines: a five year loan giving a five year structure to some personal/professional skill development.
Last night i told myself that i make plans because of the disorientation of depression. When depressed, everything looks impossible, futile, meaningless. My five year plan looks just as futile and stupid and pointless as everything else. More so, maybe. But i made the plan in my right mind, so i need to trust me then, and stick to the plan. Which means i should stop flailing in frustration and, if i can manage it, try to inch along the plan.
One of those skill development efforts is to go through AVP training as a complement to SCRUM training. (http://www.avpusa.org/) I just now responded to a somewhat cryptic message about "What dates would work for YOU?" on a mailing list. It seems like there may be basic training available in the San Francisco area in September. AVP may offer a framework comparable to the programming patterns and anti-patterns that make good coding practice, but applicable to community and social change.
Right now i wonder if i could find work as a manager or director of a social change organization that would pay half of what i'm paid now, but right now that's not the right question. Partly because i'm pretty sure i'm depressed, and partly because i want to trust an unfolding that might happen with some growth and change over five years. I have such an odd bucket of skills: nuclear physics, system administration and data center operation, bibliographic data management, copyright analysis, spatial data analysis, software development management.... I frustrate myself believing that the jobs i'd want would go to impressive PhD types.
But whatever. Trust. Inch along the plan. Unfold.
One wonders whether he would actually do a great job if he weren't over committed in the way he is.
--==∞==--
We're "wikifying" our Meeting's library. We wanted to come up with a way to get continuous feedback on what was missing and what was needed on the shelves. We discussed a multitude of digital solutions. Our current solution involves a stack of composition books scattered through the library and assigned to shelf ranges in which we will encourage people to comment.
We need to write instructions to tip into each book and send an announcement to the community, but after the early meeting-heavy work day, i appreciated the task of sticking hot pink stickers on the book to make them more visible, and the physicality of determining how we would scatter them through the collection. My other committee member and i went ahead and arranged some shelves that had been somewhat jumbled, so all the poetry is in one place and the multiple biography is with the biography. The shelf numbers now consistently increase, left to right, top to bottom, across the three shelf sections on the main shelved wall.
I felt much better after the committee meeting, the silent worship twice no doubt soothing. Usually we just sit in silence when we begin, but one of the committee members stopped by late. He was sick, didn't want to stay, but he wanted to sit in worship and i was glad for another silent time.
I wish all my work meetings started with a silence that could stretch on for minutes, where we cleared our minds and dropped urgency and worry and must-get-this-resolved in the next 30 minutes.
--==∞==--
Driving to the committee meeting i could feel the tension in me, the depression, the trapped-animal feeling. The questions of escape rushed around in my head. And then i reminded myself of some decisions i'd made in late April. I DO have a vision of a better-for-me work, i have a rough roadmap. That vision, when i have access to it, seems deeply engaging for me. In the planning there's some artificial but useful time lines: a five year loan giving a five year structure to some personal/professional skill development.
Last night i told myself that i make plans because of the disorientation of depression. When depressed, everything looks impossible, futile, meaningless. My five year plan looks just as futile and stupid and pointless as everything else. More so, maybe. But i made the plan in my right mind, so i need to trust me then, and stick to the plan. Which means i should stop flailing in frustration and, if i can manage it, try to inch along the plan.
One of those skill development efforts is to go through AVP training as a complement to SCRUM training. (http://www.avpusa.org/) I just now responded to a somewhat cryptic message about "What dates would work for YOU?" on a mailing list. It seems like there may be basic training available in the San Francisco area in September. AVP may offer a framework comparable to the programming patterns and anti-patterns that make good coding practice, but applicable to community and social change.
Right now i wonder if i could find work as a manager or director of a social change organization that would pay half of what i'm paid now, but right now that's not the right question. Partly because i'm pretty sure i'm depressed, and partly because i want to trust an unfolding that might happen with some growth and change over five years. I have such an odd bucket of skills: nuclear physics, system administration and data center operation, bibliographic data management, copyright analysis, spatial data analysis, software development management.... I frustrate myself believing that the jobs i'd want would go to impressive PhD types.
But whatever. Trust. Inch along the plan. Unfold.
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I've learned many good things in depression, and i think it's helped me become wiser, but i also know there's a sort of flailing i do. The burn-out, anger, exhaustion is real. The flailing is paralyzing for me. (That's a mixed metaphor! Flailing paralysis!)
Vacation soon.